My DB had a baby last November, my first 'blood' nephew although I already have a niece and a nephew on my DH's side. It was a complicated and traumatic delivery so when DB and DSIL didn't want visitors right away I understood. However, since then any tentative suggestions that I could visit have been politely but firmly rebuffed. I texted my DB last weekend to say that I could get cheap flights to come over for a weekend this month and I would stay overnight at the hotel near them. He replied that it wasn't convenient until December at the earliest! I have the strong suspicion that in December it will be 'too close to Christmas' and I will be fobbed off yet again. At this point I just think I may as well call the whole thing off and stop asking whether I can visit.
AIBU to want to visit my DB and DSIL and meet my nephew?
AIBU?
To want to see my nephew?
StuntNun · 01/09/2014 16:00
Momnipotent I had a trip planned to London a few months ago, that unfortunately got cancelled, and my DB suggested at the time that he could bring DNephew to meet me while I was there. So I don't have any reason to think that he doesn't want to see me. The limited information I do have points to DSIL not wanting to receive visitors, i.e. my mum and myself.
Slithy I don't expect any particular response from them, I just want to know what their desires are. Yes I want to visit them, of course I do, but I do realise that I don't know the ins and outs of their situation, whether that be DNephew's health or the reason DSIL doesn't want visitors.
Loon I was actually thinking of copying Waiting's example of the chocolates, as I know both DB and DSIL are chocoholics and like the good stuff. I was just speculating that if I arranged delivery for a Saturday then DB would be home so the issue of DSIL answering the door wouldn't occur. I had already sent gifts when DNephew was born, it's just that I had picked out something for DNephew that DSIL will particularly appreciate and I thought I could post it seeing as I can't go and visit.
Cinnabar that sounds like quite the ordeal for you, whether your mum is trying to protect you or herself. I think the way you feel is the way my mum feels about my DB, DSIL and DNephew and it's eating away at her. I'm not happy about the way things are going but that's more born of my frustration because I don't know what my best approach should be. There have been lots of thoughtful comments and advice on this thread so I will be well prepared to speak to my DB at the weekend.
Slithy it was someone else on the thread that suggested an abusive relationship. I thought I had posted that I didn't have any evidence to suggest that. As for blaming it on DSIL, I do get a lot of comments from DB in the nature of 'DW doesn't want me to talk about that', 'DW says that's a bad time for a visit and it will have to be after mid-December'. I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, I'm not hassling them and asking lots of questions. I sent one text asking whether it would be possible for me to visit and after that had been rebuffed, a second text asking whether I could send a little present for DNephew. I couldn't get through to DB on the phone at the weekend, turns out he was on the phone to my mum, so I'll speak to him next weekend as he prefers to have phone calls on Sunday mornings.
Thank you for the advice Waiting, I'm going to have to take notes. 
While I want to go and visit them, it certainly isn't a selfish thing. It means using up an awful lot of my DH's airmiles to get the airfare and hotel paid and my DH being available to look after our three children while I'm away which isn't always easy because he has to travel for work a lot. And my youngest has bad separation anxiety at the moment so leaving him is even more fraught than it usually is with small children. And don't even get me started on how much I hate flying!
I think between the two of you you have both made some great insightful points and have hopefully given OP a few ideas on how to move forwards.
Fx that the situation for OP's Dn is not as serious as what both of you have had to deal with.
Landrover, that is the one pharse that relably worked for us. It's not something we'd have ever throught to say but worked well for poor dh who didn't know what to say to ils when they asked about dd without telling them everything. I think it's very clinical but cut and dry because people feel rude pressing for more after that. For us it would have meant telling people how little we actually knew and all the scarry possablities that could have been. We were just managing expectations for ourselves and didn't want to be responsable for anyone elses.
To add a little more about our situation. Dd potetially had heart problems, before six months we'd rushed into hospital twice due to consultant calling and saying get there. I delayed returning to work until we knew what we were dealing with. We got the all clear when she was almost ten months old as she grew out of it. At six monts much more concern was rased about her joints which had been being monitored from birth, but no diagnosis was made until she was 18 1/2 months old. She was put in for an intensive course of phsyo which meant 12 appointments a week for six weeks. Then she was put forward for a clinical practises trail continuing phsyo. I took more maternity leave than planed and eventually didn't return to work as although my manager had been supportive and helped to organise extra parental leave that I'd have needed to take it would have meant spending all our free days in hospital, traveling or in clinics. Dh was very lucky to be offered an extra contract by his employers that meant we could manage without me working. It's only now we see phsyo every 12 weeks and the consultant every 12 months that we have the time and resources for visitors.
If someone had come to us and said they felt left out, were worried and throught it was time to see dd we'd have invited them to visit and fit them into the hetic shedual between appointments. But we would have felt resentful and manipulated and it would have negitavly effected our relationship with them. It certainly wouldn't have been enjoyable for them and dd would not have been at her best. Luckily mast people respected our keep away vibes and didn't press the issue of visiting more than asking occationally are you up for it and were happy to hear about the positives that we were celebrating dd acheiving.
Lots of my relitives would have wanted to support us and have the knowledge to do so. My aunties are nurses, one cousin is a med student, two more are training as nurses and one is a children's nurse. But we had a naturally occuring support group in the health care proffessionals and other parents we were incourntering day to day and one woman online who I've never met. Had they known more they'd have worried when we didn't fully involve them and I'm sure they felt very pushed out.
We cancled dd's baptisum twice. I missed my cousin's hen party without giving her prior notice and could only tell her 10 days before that we weren't coming to her wedding. I dropped of the radar for 6 months with most of my friends and rarely saw the family that live close by for more than a few moments at a time. But we've come through it in the end!
CinnabarRed, I am so sorry about the situation with your mum. I can't begin to comprehend how hard it is for you. My dad was very closed off about his treatment for bowle cancer and it's not nice to not know what's going on. We didn't know he was that ill until much later and he'd finally recovered for his op. But we knew more was going on than he was telling us when he was in icu/hdu for a month and in hospital for almost three months when his recovery time should have been eight to ten days. But as a previous poster said the worry and upset we felt then was a drop in the ocean conpared to not knowing being responsable for making the decisions with dd. But it's the most natural thing to want to know what's going on with your family and must feel almost impossable to support them when they don't want to be open with you.
StuntNun, please tread carefully with your db. If it helps, heres what I could have coped with when we were just coping with everyday life.
Rather than asking what he needs from you, because I could never have articulated that. Try saying what you've noticed, that visiting seems to be something they aren't ready for. That he doesn't want to discuss dn's medical situation. Let him know you respect that but if it's not the case you don't want to cause offence. Then say you and your mum are there to support them and listen to them if that's what they need.
Patience has paid off for my family. One of my aunts and my nan have just spent the week with us. My godmother is visiting this weekend. My cousin and her new husband the week after that. And others at varrious points between now and christmas. We're going up to them for a big family party too in december. It' so nice to be able to enjoy their company when the only thing I have to worry about is how many days dd can cope without a nap!
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Cinnabar - for your very difficult situation.
Can you see the difference in that you have not blamed it all on your step dad or implied it's an abusive relationship? And you have set aside your own feelings to respect your mothers choices?
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