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AIBU?

To want to see my nephew?

211 replies

StuntNun · 01/09/2014 16:00

My DB had a baby last November, my first 'blood' nephew although I already have a niece and a nephew on my DH's side. It was a complicated and traumatic delivery so when DB and DSIL didn't want visitors right away I understood. However, since then any tentative suggestions that I could visit have been politely but firmly rebuffed. I texted my DB last weekend to say that I could get cheap flights to come over for a weekend this month and I would stay overnight at the hotel near them. He replied that it wasn't convenient until December at the earliest! I have the strong suspicion that in December it will be 'too close to Christmas' and I will be fobbed off yet again. At this point I just think I may as well call the whole thing off and stop asking whether I can visit.

AIBU to want to visit my DB and DSIL and meet my nephew?

OP posts:

Report

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/09/2014 11:43

I've just had a quick look at Easy Jet on a weekday during term time you can fly out to Belfast from Gatwick at 8.20am and return on the 19.20 the same day and it would cost you about £55 all in. I really think this might be the least pressure solution for you all.

HouseAtreides · 02/09/2014 11:44

Why not just ask him outright? In an email if necessary, so you can think it all through and say exactly what your concerns are.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/09/2014 11:51

As Nine says - it's odd that you haven't asked your brother already if you "have a close relationship" with him. Mainly to ask if everything is alright and if visiting is hard for them how can you help support them. May be you have had these sorts of conversations and been fobbed off by him. But you don't really sound that close when you have so little detail and he got married without telling you to a woman you've never met. Is it possible that you have a very superficial relationship with him? Always seem to get on but mainly because you never talk about anything of substance? This isn't a bad thing, I think it happens in lots of families. But it's easy for a sibling to seem close when actually their whole life is entirely different from the life their family thinks they live and they see their family as being quite remote.

StuntNun · 02/09/2014 11:56

Until this weekend when I was told that I couldn't visit before mid-December, I thought everything was okay. I have spoken to my DB on the phone a few times lately to ask how DNephew was doing after his op and catching up on family news. I saw DB at a family funeral a few weeks back and there was no sign of anything being amiss. He said he wouldn't want tell me what the operation was for because they respected the baby's privacy.

My DS2 has strabismus and amblyopia and narrowly avoided two operations himself so I provided info to my DB and DSIL so they could get DNephew checked out since it is a hereditary condition that runs in our family.

I started this thread to try and get some perspective on the situation as I was quite upset at the weekend and the not knowing what is going on is eating away at my mum as well. She was diagnosed with angina last week and hasn't reacted well to the news (her mum died of complications during heart surgery). Now she's being somewhat melodramatic and saying she wants to see her youngest grandson again in case anything happens to her.

OP posts:

StuntNun · 02/09/2014 11:58

Thanks Ghoul that's really useful information.

OP posts:

MollyHooper · 02/09/2014 12:00

He said he wouldn't want tell me what the operation was for because they respected the baby's privacy.

That is certainly very odd.

How was he otherwise, did he talk to everyone normally? Was there any tension?

steff13 · 02/09/2014 12:01

He said he wouldn't want tell me what the operation was for because they respected the baby's privacy.

That strikes me as odd.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/09/2014 12:04

I really hope you get to see him soon. I was pretty overwhelmed meeting my little niece. She's such a little character. It's not quite like your own kids but definitely the next best thing :)

AlpacaMyBags · 02/09/2014 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

momnipotent · 02/09/2014 12:05

I wonder if your family are like my DH's family. MIL goes on and fucking on about how close DH and his sister are, they're such a close family, blah blah blah. They're not. Perhaps when they were younger they were, but not anymore. SIL isn't part of our lives at all, has no idea what happens in our family as we have no idea what happens in hers. DH talks to her usually once a year at Christmas, when DH always calls her (she makes no effort to stay in touch with him), and then the conversation is quite superficial and DH can't wait to get off the phone. Not close at all!

I have had children have operations, including for strabismus ironically! We just hunker down as a family, the last thing on Earth we want is having to deal with someone else in the house, no matter how well-meaning they are.

RiverTam · 02/09/2014 12:08

sounds like something very odd is going on. I think all you can do is ring your brother and ask him outright. I don't think your expectations are U at all - what's the matter with Aunty popping in to say 'hi' - it could just be for half an hour. And not meeting your DSIL at all is odd, and Belfast to London isn't that far, I have a pal who goes back to NI several times a year to see family.

The worst case scenario is that your DSIL is making your DB keep his family away.

MintyChops · 02/09/2014 12:10

It all sounds really weird. I think you need to ask your DB straight out if there is something wrong. By the way, YANBU at all in wanting/ expecting to meet your nephew.

olgaga · 02/09/2014 12:11

I can understand why you'd like to see your new nephew but I can't understand why you'd be "upset".

It also doesn't sound like your relationship with your DB is as close as you imagine.

I had a tiny high-need baby who had to have a hernia op at 3 months, when she was just 7.5lbs. I was exhausted and depressed before, but that just about tipped me into an abyss. Tbh I don't know how I coped, looking back, with all the joyful and "helpful" family visits. I wish I'd been more focussed on my needs rather than accommodating everyone else's celebratory expectations.

Just send them a nice gift with a card saying something along the lines of "hoping to see you all whenever you're ready".

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/09/2014 12:18

He wouldn't tell you what was wrong because they "respect the baby's privacy"?. That is downright odd.

Has anyone from your family seen the baby?

StuntNun · 02/09/2014 12:25

My mum went to visit at the end of last year and the three of then came to stay with her for a weekend so they could see my dad who is in a nursing home and can't travel at all.

Actually I feel worse after starting this thread. I will phone my DB for another chat soon but it's up to him what he chooses to tell me. From his responses there does seem to be an element of 'My DW doesn't want me to say' rather than it's a mutual decision they have reached together. I know she has a very poor relationship with her own mother so I have always been understanding that she doesn't want to open up to people in my family.

OP posts:

momnipotent · 02/09/2014 12:25

Given that description I would suspect that whatever is wrong with the baby is something they feel some kind of shame over and therefore don't want anyone else to know. I think you have to respect their desire for privacy.

bearhug · 02/09/2014 12:34

Is DSIL religious at all? One of my cousins married someone from a certain Christian group, and was discouraged from keeping in contact with his not particularly religious parents. Once the first child was born, my aunt was not allowed to hold her grandchild, and soon all contact was cut off as they didn't want the grandparents' "heathen" views to influence their children. It was all very sad.

hedwig2001 · 02/09/2014 12:48

The privacy comment would make me wonder if DN has a disorder like ambiguous genitalia or something which might embarrass him in later life.

Mutley77 · 02/09/2014 12:48

Sorry totally off the wall, but what if the baby is a hermaphrodite or something? Surely that would be really hard for the parents to manage and something they may consider not appropriate to discuss outside their immediate family. I don't know anything about the condition so apologies if I'm off the mark - but would they have surgery ??

Also, I echo the others, my DS had a tearduct op and it didn't feel that minor to me!! He was fine and could have been back at nursery the next day if he went but the stress was significant.

Also, I did struggle a lot with my DC3 and really debated with DH about family viists when she was 3.5 months old - I kind of really felt stressed about dealing with people in my home (even if they weren't staying) and knew they would think it was strange they couldn't just come and do what they liked but I couldn't help myself feeling so stressed and anxious. Not helped by no sleep

Hope you get to meet him soon.

NineOhThirty · 02/09/2014 13:37

Your post mentioning they wouldn't tell you to respect the baby's privacy made me think hermaphrodite or something like that too. A good friends sister had a hermaphrodite baby many years ago and they were very very private about it for obvious reasons.

StuntNun · 02/09/2014 13:41

But not knowing what the operation was for doesn't prevent me from seeing him. I haven't pried beyond asking whether it was related to the first operation. One of my DSs had to have a tear duct cleared as well, and while it also didn't feel minor at the time, it certainly wasn't as serious as bowel surgery or a heart operation.

Afaik DB and DSIL are both atheists so no religious complications.

My mum has changed DNephew's nappy and scoffed when I suggested it was something potentially embarrassing like hermaphroditism.

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/09/2014 14:01

I entirely agree with you. Your DN is 9 months now you've been patient enough. You're only asking for a short visit to meet him. That isn't too much to ask. Especially if you do it during a fairly short visit. I think at the very least your DB owes you an explanation of why they keep putting you off.

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mrstowers · 02/09/2014 14:08

Are you seen as interfering? (I'm not suggesting that you are in any way). Sometimes when people offer support, advice, information etc other people can see it as interfering.

HavanaSlife · 02/09/2014 14:16

It all seems very odd, maybe give it a month or two then see if you can pin them down with a date for december

HaroldLloyd · 02/09/2014 14:22

I can't see where you are being unsympathetic at all OP and I think that is a very unfair thing to say.

Your obviously just thinking about possible reasons ifs and buts mind it's very hard not knowing anything.

This is coming up to a year. It's very odd.

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