To want to see my nephew?

[StuntNun]

My DB had a baby last November, my first 'blood' nephew although I already have a niece and a nephew on my DH's side. It was a complicated and traumatic delivery so when DB and DSIL didn't want visitors right away I understood. However, since then any tentative suggestions that I could visit have been politely but firmly rebuffed. I texted my DB last weekend to say that I could get cheap flights to come over for a weekend this month and I would stay overnight at the hotel near them. He replied that it wasn't convenient until December at the earliest! I have the strong suspicion that in December it will be 'too close to Christmas' and I will be fobbed off yet again. At this point I just think I may as well call the whole thing off and stop asking whether I can visit.

AIBU to want to visit my DB and DSIL and meet my nephew?

[slithytove]

I wouldn't underestimate the emotional turmoil of a baby (he is still not yet 1?) going into hospital for any operation. Let alone several. And I don't want to be mean, but for some people, that certainly would mean that any visits were not on the agenda. As pp have said, you have never met his mother.

I think if it is bothering you this much (understandably so) you need to come right out with it and ask your brother. And perhaps have the tiniest bit more sympathy for their baby hvaing operations then you have shown here.

You say you are close knit but you also way thwt due to distance you would only have seen DBro once a year anyway, so is this that unusual? It does sound as though they are struggling as a family unit and it's not about you.

[TalcumPowder]

They must be desperately worried about their baby. Even if you are saddened at what feels like being kept at arm's length, surely you can understand that visitors may well be the last thing they feel up to, especially as you are a total stranger to your SIL?

[StuntNun]

But they haven't come right out and said that they don't feel up to having visitors. It's just been months of 'it isn't a good time right now'. And as for the operations I have no idea whether they are for something serious like a heart problem or something minor like a blocked year duct. It's frustrating to be left guessing. For all I know my DB has been forbidden from seeing his family. I don't understand the need for all the secrecy to be honest. My mum is on the verge of just turning up on their doorstep and I have to keep persuading her not to.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Having the gift delivered is a nice idea op.

They must be going through a difficult time but I do find it unusual that they are excluding all family as a result. So I understand why you do too.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I am probably reading too much into what you're writing/picking up on the subtext but I get the impression that your sil is the driving force and your brother is going along with it.

Granted it may well be for a very good reason.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Having had a very sick baby don't underestimate how serious a surgery it could be and back at nursery. DD had a very serious emergency surgery at 5 months she was back at nursery on the 6th day after surgery, another baby in her group had open heart surgery and was back at nursery in 2 weeks. Nursery we really supportive giving the multitude of meds both these babies needed and realised that both myself and the other mum had to save all the annual leave we could for hospital appointments.
It strikes me that if there have been several operations they could be caught in a relentless round of hospital appointments etc. and at weekends just want to do nothing and be together. I certainly felt like this and barely saw anyone or went anywhere for about 5 to 6 months after DD was so ill.

[slithytove]

I'm finding it frustrating thwt you are minimising any operation on a baby as 'minor'.

Believe me, it's not minor to the parents. Especially when there are several. And actually, 2 weeks off nursery sounds like a long time to me.

If you come across this unsympathetic to your brother maybe that is why they are isolating themselves?

[slithytove]

I would let your mum do as she pleases.

[NineOhThirty]

You say you are close knit and speak to your brother regularly via skype, email etc, yet he didn't tell you when they were getting married and after nearly a year hasn't told you what is wrong with their baby and why he is having operations That doesn't sound close to me.

I think you are being very unsympathetic towards your brother and SIL and from the things you have said I can understand why they are saying no. Any operation for a baby is difficult for the parents never mind several.

I think you need to back off and give them space and time. Pushing it will not endear you to them.

[elliejjtiny]

My 14 month old has had several operations, 2 of them major. It's extremely stressful. I think your DB and SIL need to be able to do whatever they need to do to get through it and if that involves no visitors it's up to them.

[StuntNun]

I'm not minimising the operation as minor, I'm saying that I have no idea what it was for. I am very sympathetic towards them and I don't want to intrude. I have three children with various health issues myself so I know just how much stress that puts on everyone.

All I did was send a message saying I could get cheap flights and would it be convenient for me to visit them for a couple of days this month and that I would stay in the hotel near them as I know they don't have space. This is only the second time since DNephew was born that I have asked and I have not been pushy at all. They haven't given me any information. I don't understand why they can't explicitly state what they expect rather than vaguely fobbing me off. If they said e.g. 'DSIL isn't feeling up to guests' then that would be fine and I would be able to ask them to invite me when they felt able to.

[NineOhThirty]

Why don't you just email and say that you would like to visit and to please let you know when they feel able?

You seem to be pointing a lot of blame in your SIL's direction but as you don't know it could just as well be your brother that is saying no.

You could just skype and have a proper chat with your brother and ask him what is going on with his son, what the operations are for and if there is anything you can do to make life easier for them.

[HappyAgainOneDay]

What about saying how much you'd like to go to see them and actually ask when would be a convenient time.

Have you received any photographs of the baby yet? Red flags if you haven't.

[fluffyraggies]

We keep in touch by phone, text, Facebook, email and Skype.

So what does your DB say when you ask/have asked about the baby?!

Looking at this situation from the outside it's just as odd that you say you're close with your DB but don't know anything about the baby's operations and didn't know anything about the wedding, as it is of them to be shunning visitors.

When i read threads by posters who have distanced themselves from family and tried to go 'NC' for one reason or another i often think that a thread by one of the shunned family members would make an odd read. This thread is how i imagine it would go.

[Passmethecrisps]

I can completely understand why you would be worried and upset at the lack of contact. The whole thing does sound strange - I am not from a close family but the idea of a sibling getting married without me knowing seems very strange.

It may be a number of things which makes a visit impossible for them to comprehend so I suggest you try building a relationship with them from a distance through letters and Skype if you can.

It could be that your sil is depressed and/or traumatised and needs to see you as family first.

Gentle steps I think.

[Elizadoesdolittle]

It seems very odd to me. I would be jumping at the chance for visitors, especially as you have offered to stay in a hotel. There is definitely something amiss. Perhaps they are not coping well and find it hard to admit. Maybe your Dsil is suffering from pnd.

It's hard to access the situation over email/skype and you can't very well just turn up. You've let them know you are there for them, are more than willing to come and visit. There isn't much more you can do I'm afraid. Just wait until they are ready.

[StuntNun]

But Fluffy how can my DSIL go no contact with me when we've never even met in the first place? I have spoken to her on Skype. She very kindly sent me some 'free from' food for my DS3 when he was in the middle of getting diagnosed with multiple food intolerances. I have received multiple photos of DNephew and seen him on Skype as well. The secret wedding was odd but no worse than a couple eloping to get married. DSIL doesn't have many relatives so I reckon they didn't want to have a wedding with loads of my family there and none of hers. Although that doesn't explain why they didn't tell anyone until afterwards.

[Wandathewindfairy]

I think if your mum is struggling too then it is a bit strange. eliza is right maybe they are finding things harder than they care to admit.

At the end of the day he is your brother and you are there for, just don't give up, send a gift, send a card with a letter. Send a letter with photos of the kids just keep sending them lots of love and keep trying to arrange a visit.

I can understand you feel hurt at the mo but keep it going at some point they will probably decide they need the family support or your brother will walk through your open door. Xxx

[gobbynorthernbird]

I don't think that fluffy was suggesting your SIL was the one going NC.

[StuntNun]

Maybe I need to rephrase the question of my post. Obviously I am not being unreasonable to want to meet my nephew, that is a normal response to a sibling having a child. Maybe I should ask: AIBU to expect to meet my nephew? It is obvious that there is something else going on that makes it difficult for them to receive guests but what do they do about their friends? Have they given up seeing anyone else except each other and work colleagues?

[slithytove]

Not Aibu to expect to either.

You are bu the way you talk about his operations and your SIL though.

And a bit u in the way you seem to be handling it

If you are that close, why not just have the conversation with your brother?

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Why don't you suggest a day trip? London to Belfast is fine for this. You could meet your DN and catch up with your brother and SIL but it won't put too much pressure on them.

I do think it's odd. My sister came to see my babies when they were 1 day old and I went to see my niece at 5 days old despite living about 300 miles away and having 2 young DCs.

[fluffyraggies]

I meant your DB going NC stunt.

Look, it sounds like you've done nothing wrong at all. I'm not saying you have. I was simply speculating that you read many threads here on MN about people wanting to distance themselves from their family and this is the kind of confusion that that would cause. Is there a possibility that he is distancing himself from one or more particular members of the family and the rest of you are just getting shut out 'by association'?

Is the SIL really so controlling that she could make your DB not see his family in all this time? That would be unusual.

You have explained a possible reason for the secret wedding. My oldest friend did the same thing for the same reason a couple of years ago.

I would say you need to have a chat with your DB on the phone and say you feel a bit bad because you seem to have missed the info. on what's wrong with the baby and that you'd like to do something nice like send a gift. Does your DB sound normal and happy? If none of the family are being allowed to visit then you know it's not you personally that it is the problem at least.

[DeWee]

You do sound very dismissive of the operations even if you don't mean to.
If it was a hernia, then it's obviously only part of the issue if there have been mulitple operations. And babies do bounce back quite quickly. I remember a friend's baby at 7 months going in for brain surgery-a week later he was crawling round at speed. So a week or two could just as easily be something pretty big.

Just a thought, what if they're waiting for a transplant? So basically that means they're on call 24/7 waiting to hear that an organ has become available. You do end up feeling like you can't arrange anything, settle to anything, it's just a long wait. Life is really on hold for that time.
Or same goes if they're in the situation where they know there will have to be other operations which will come up with little notice. They may not want the possibility of having visitors-are you planning on going with all your dc too?-when an urgent operation is rushed through.
There's also the risk of infection, if they know that more operations are coming, the thought of visitors that could bring a cold that postpones an operation may be very off putting.

Also, have you sent a present yet? It sounds from your earlier post that you've been waiting until you go. Do you think that might come across as "dsis hasn't even bothered sending a present, she doesn't care."? Particularly as every operation does have risk even if it's low.

I think if I had a sick baby who was having mulitple operations then visitors would be the last thing I would want, even my own family, let alone an unknown IL.

[NineOhThirty]

You're just going to have to ask your brother. I can't work out why you haven't already tbh.

Maybe they are seeing friends, that would make sense if they have close friends who are supporting them.

As far as you know is it just you and your mother they are keeping at a distance? If so then that speaks volumes.