To want to see my nephew?

[StuntNun]

My DB had a baby last November, my first 'blood' nephew although I already have a niece and a nephew on my DH's side. It was a complicated and traumatic delivery so when DB and DSIL didn't want visitors right away I understood. However, since then any tentative suggestions that I could visit have been politely but firmly rebuffed. I texted my DB last weekend to say that I could get cheap flights to come over for a weekend this month and I would stay overnight at the hotel near them. He replied that it wasn't convenient until December at the earliest! I have the strong suspicion that in December it will be 'too close to Christmas' and I will be fobbed off yet again. At this point I just think I may as well call the whole thing off and stop asking whether I can visit.

AIBU to want to visit my DB and DSIL and meet my nephew?

[Gruntfuttock]

Oh dear. It must be awful not knowing what's going on. Your imagination must be working overtime.

[InsertPgUp]

Who told you not to send a present?

[Elizadoesdolittle]

Can't you just send a present anyway? Sometimes people say not to send a present but actually if it's just sent anyway it's a lovely thing to receive.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

You can't send a present?

That's a whole new level of odd.

[slithytove]

warned not to as opposed to told not to?

What was the warning for?

[sykadelic]

I wonder if the baby is a lot sicker than you know and they're so caught up trying to keep themselves and their emotions in check they don't want to deal with others?

Or maybe SIL is dealing with some serious PND and they don't want to try and play happy families whens he's struggling to cope?

All the secrecy... you can't help but wonder what the hell is going on. It's not helping the situation (keeping the baby's privacy), it's making it worse because people just speculate.

I'd probably send DB a message or call like the following: "I'm beginning to get really concerned that something is really wrong with you, SIL or DN. Please tell me, is everything okay?"

[Strokethefurrywall]

I'm with quietlysuggests - this is such a bizarre scenario.

I hope the baby is doing ok.

[lunar1]

I hope your brother is ok, I just can't imagine what could lead them to become so secretive.

[wafflyversatile]

Did I miss how long they had been together before marrying?

I wouldn't describe myself as close to my brothers but I'd find this very odd.

I'm inclined to think it is your sil. There are several red flags that people would be shouting about if I it was your sister and bil.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I hope it's something other than some kind of abusive or unusual relationship.

But, in case it is, would it be possible to send a message spelling out 'DB, I am really worried about you - this isn't normal.' Because I think people in abusive relationships really need to hear that things aren't normal.

If it's not that, I can't honestly see how saying this would make things worse, as you've tried so hard and been rebuffed. But if it is, it could make a big difference for him to have the reminder it isn't normal.

[Whereisegg]

warned?!

[olgaga]

I think you are right not to "rock the boat".

It sounds like you have little faith in your brother's freedom to make his own choices, but it's possible he just doesn't want contact at the moment.

Whether that's through his own choice, or for the sake of his family, is irrelevant really. He clearly doesn't want to share with you or your DM any more than he already has.

Wait to hear from him. Send the gift anyway if it's something which will soon be grown out of, with a nice card saying something like "Do let us know when you're ready for a visit".

[olgaga]

I definitely wouldn't be telling him that this situation isn't "normal"!

He might have simply decided its easier not to have visitors at the moment. Teling him its not "normal" is rather judgey and he might think it's pretty rude and demanding.

[HaroldLloyd]

It will be a year. It's not like she was clamouring to get in the delivery suite.

It is not normal, I would be concerned.

[HaroldLloyd]

If they don't want people asking questions the sensible thing to do would be to say why they are not keen on visitors, surely.

[whois]

It's been a bloody year. It is so not normal.

If SIL has pnd or something she could go hide in her room and the brother could say she has a migrane or something for the duration of a shirt visit.

I think it's sounds quite strange and I'd be worried about my sibling if I was in your place.

[noclevername]

I think you need to respect their wish for privacy.

Maybe they are just trying to get through a tough situation the best they can, without having to expend energy with others getting involved. Even Skype might feel intrusive.

As others have said, you could speculate in private that it might be that the baby is receiving treatment for an ongoing condition that is distressing them, and there could be elements of post-natal depression. Speculation with other family members behind their back seems disrespectful somehow.

Its tough - I've been on both sides of this equation. Its hard not to take it personally but it sounds like everyone is being asked to keep a distance.

[lunar1]

I can't help thinking if this situation was reversed you would get completely different answers. If the op was posting about her sister having a secret wedding to someone the family hadn't met and then not being allowed to visit for even an hour when the baby is a year old the thread would be full of red flags.

Is your brother behaving normally for him? Has he always been secretive about aspects of his life? I think this situation is very odd and I would be desperately worried if this was my family. I probably shouldn't say this but I'd even be wondering if something had happened to the baby with the extent that you are being kept away. You really can't even send a gift?

[FlipItDigger]

Didn't the OP say upthread that her mother had been to visit and also her brother, SIL and nephew had been and stayed with her mother for a few days? So family members have seen them and the baby, it's just the OP who hasn't.

OP why didn't you see them when they went and stayed at your mothers?

I don't understand why you haven't just sent the gift, surely you know their address so just post it.

It could easily be PND or just bloody hard dealing with a new baby that has had had multiple operations and wanting to be left alone to deal with it the best they can.

I don't understand the need for the hysteria when actually you have said nothing of fact to support it. All you have actually said is that they don't want you to visit and they don't want to tell you what their sons operations are for.

The person that said upthread about putting allegations of abuse into the mix not being helpful is absolutely right.

I feel for you OP and understand you want to see them but you need to give them space. Have a conversation with your brother if you are that worried. You say you are close so just speak to him.

[wafflyversatile]

Whether that's through his own choice, or for the sake of his family

Is this a euphemism?

If the OP's sister got married to someone you've never met in secret and had a baby nearly a year ago and was making excuses for you not to come visit would people be saying it must be either 'through her own choice or for the sake of her family'?

[olgaga]

It may not be normal for some - but that's irrelevant surely.

Plenty of family members see very little of each other once they are mature adults. They are happier concentrating on their own family. That's their normal.

OP hasn't said she has safeguarding concerns about her brother. In those circumstances I would allow him the privacy to which we are all entitled, and not keep pushing for explanations.

[olgaga]

waffly they have been visited, and have visited, other family members. They have been seen alive and well. Just not as often as DM would like, but that's hardly unusual on MN!

They've simply rebuffed the OP's suggestion for a visit in September because they don't want any visits before Christmas.

I don't see any great mystery.

[wafflyversatile]

Maybe I should wait a month or two then start a thread with the same OP except about my sister and see what response I get!


It would be quite an interesting experiment for a few threads.

[HereBeHubbubs]

I have to say, given it's such a surreal scenario, I would just turn up on their doorstep one day. You've given them more than enough privacy respect by now.

I mean, forgive me for this, but has anyone actually seen the baby on Skype recently?...