To want to see my nephew?

[StuntNun]

My DB had a baby last November, my first 'blood' nephew although I already have a niece and a nephew on my DH's side. It was a complicated and traumatic delivery so when DB and DSIL didn't want visitors right away I understood. However, since then any tentative suggestions that I could visit have been politely but firmly rebuffed. I texted my DB last weekend to say that I could get cheap flights to come over for a weekend this month and I would stay overnight at the hotel near them. He replied that it wasn't convenient until December at the earliest! I have the strong suspicion that in December it will be 'too close to Christmas' and I will be fobbed off yet again. At this point I just think I may as well call the whole thing off and stop asking whether I can visit.

AIBU to want to visit my DB and DSIL and meet my nephew?

I don't think so MrsTowers. I did say to them about getting DNephew's eyes checked. But I wasn't pushy, and DSIL had lots of questions so I think they took it as it was intended, simply informing them that there was a possibility of an eye problem that could be prevented through early diagnosis.

I think there is every chance that there is something wrong with your nephew or with your sil. I think your db comment about respecting the baby's privacy is odd. I would not push anymore for now because there is probably a pretty serious issue that will come out eventually. All you can do is send gift and make contact from time to time.

In fact now that your dn is coming up to a year, is there any chance there are developmental problems that they are just not ready to discuss yet. I know that when I realised all was not well with my dc, I avoided family as I just wasn't ready to share it with them. It was too raw.

It is a strange situation. I wonder why he can't confide in his family. Has he always been secretive? Do they have many friends?

DB was never one to share a lot Shatner but this extreme secrecy only dates back to the start of his relationship with DSIL

Cansu I'm sure there is something going on that will come out in it's own time. I would have thought that if DB were having problems I would be an ideal confident for him because I have the physical distance that I'm not going to run into any of their casual acquaintances, and I have been through the mill with my kids in terms of disorders and other issues.

I really would ring him at a time when he is likely to be on his own and ask him directly but gently if you have said or done anything wrong and whether you could please come and visit. I'd make it clear you are ready to support him whatever is going on and that you don't want to lose contact.

N.b. the usual term for people with hermaphrodism is now intersex.

How long have your BB and DSIL been together, StuntNun?

YANBU. It is strange.

There could be some issues with DN, but based on the whole picture (including secret wedding) my guess is that the real issues are with SIL.

I really feel for you stunt nun. It's difficult in a situation like this because you can start to think 'is it them or is it me being odd?' I think that (while you massively have to respect their right to privacy etc, and obviously can't push yourself on them) it is only natural that you would want to meet your DN!

Also, you don't say if you are going from Belfast to London, but if that is the case, then there is perhaps a cultural issue at play. Lots of families in my part of Northern Ireland live in each other's pockets from one generation to the next, it would be completely inconceivable not to meet a DN. But London for many people can be a more detached, transient place (obv not if you're from there and all your family are there) and some people get very used to that and mightn't be able to handle the thought of extended family 'intruding'.

Lots of commenters make good points about possible reasons for privacy. But whatever the reason, I completely understand you wanting to have a relationship with your DN and you have my full sympathy.

It sounds to me as if your db is in an abusive relationship and your sil has successfully managed to isolate him from his family and possibly even his friends.

This hasn’t just started since the birth of the baby, they got married in secret and never told anyone, and the op has never even met her sil. That’s not normal. Even if there had been some issues with the baby which the family didn’t yet want to discuss, they could have suggested that because of the baby’s condition they were all going through a difficult time and they didn’t feel strong enough to talk about it. But the baby is a red herring here IMO – this all started before the sil even got pregnant so it’s obvious there is much more to this.

The op said she has seen the baby over skype so some major developmental issue would have been apparent then surely?

If the op was saying this was her sister and that she had met a man, married and got pregnant very quickly and now the family had been excluded from their lives people would be very quick to suggest that the new partner sounded extremely controlling at best and probably abusive maybe even violent at worst.

Op – I would try to have a chat with your db in private. Not via text or email because if sil is as controlling as she seems then this may make things worse for him. But perhaps give him a call at a time when you know sil will not be around and talk honestly with him, and ask him if everything is ok because it appears that sil has isolated him from his family and you are worried he could be in an abusive relationship. Stress to him that you are there for him should he need to talk at any time, and that there is no shame in admitting that things are difficult.

My guess is that sil was the full-on type, with instant declarations of love and quick marriage and that she probably got pregnant quickly to ensure that he stayed with her. And of course she couldn’t have predicted that there would have been complications – but these have been used to strengthen her hold over your db and to ensure that his family are kept away.

Maybe the op was for hypospadias. My d's had this - it is where the hole at the end if the penis is in the wrong place and can require more than one op depending on severity. It is relatively coming. I did tell people about it but not many and it did feel a bit odd for some reason, a bit like a lack of respect for his privacy, daft though that sounds for a one year old.

Oh and ds's was not immediately obvious on a nappy change if you weren't looking for it.

Bloody hell Jaffa that's a pretty big leap to conclusions.

I think you're being treated really shoddily OP by your DB and some posters on here.

If I were you I would just ask your DB straight out when you can visit and if not, why not.

yanbu really odd

I agree patience.

Children are not possessions, I think in the absence of a Damn Good Reason it's selfish and shitty to cut family members out like this, she only wants to visit not take him to McDonald's.

Maybe they do have one, but it's her BROTHER, so you would think he would inform her.

OP, why don't you take a trip home to see all your family and then arrange just to meet your DB for coffee somewhere, then you two can have a chat alone and maybe you'll get to the bottom of what the problem is?

I do think it sounds odd.

You say you have other friends and family there you could stay with, OP. Could you arrange to go for a weekend with them in December and drop your brother a line with 'I'm going to be visiting X on Y dates. It would be great to see you for an hour if you're available at all. If not, don't worry, I'll pop your presents through the door.'

This seems very weird. Sorry if I've missed it, but what has your other sibling said?

You say you have other friends and family there you could stay with, OP. Could you arrange to go for a weekend with them in December and drop your brother a line with 'I'm going to be visiting X on Y dates. It would be great to see you for an hour if you're available at all. If not, don't worry, I'll pop your presents through the door.

This is a good idea, it takes the pressure off them because it's not just a trip to see them.

I have to agree with other posters that you don't sound as close to your DB as perhaps you think. I love my DBs to bits but I wouldn't say we're close as friends are - and I can well imagine him turning to local friends before me (and telling one member of the family is always tantamount to telling them all). Accept that he hasn't confided in you and don't expect more than he's willing to give. You have no evidence that his partner is behind that decision, other than knowing that she has a poor relationship with her mum which could be for any number of excellent reasons. Your present resentment is understandable but don't stack all the evidence up so it amounts to an injustice against you and your DB - he doesn't need protecting and obviously does need space.

I really wouldn't read too much into the eloping thing. It's hard on your side of the family but you can't have one side without the other. The photographs, skyping and 'free from' food show that she would obviously like to be friendly. As many have said, she could well have any number of problems that could make all this a bigger deal than you can imagine, especially if her own mum has been a source of stress.

It's potentially quite damaging to speculate that your DB has been forbidden from seeing his family. You simply don't know that anything close to this has happened and it does seem divisive to suggest it, given what they're going through and the effort SIL has managed to make. If you hear that being speculated by other family members, I would knock it on the head sharpish or you will lose end up losing them. Incidentally, I'm in NI with brothers in England...in your circumstances I would have been on the next plane over to meet their wives. Maybe she feels you weren't there at the beginning of her trauma and now she just wants people she knows.

If you're close to your brother, why haven't you asked him directly what's wrong with the baby instead of festering about it?

I was seriously ill for over a year post having my DD. It was bedlam. If someone said they were coming for a weekend, even staying elsewhere, we couldn't have coped. The pressure to entertain them, not just for a couple of hours but for days, would have been impossible. That's not personal, we wouldn't have felt able to see anyone and we wouldn't have been in a position to give a damn about their expectations. Here's how you do it. You say that you'll be in the city for a weekend doing something else but could easily find half an hour if they fancied saying hello. Maximum availability, minimum effort for them.

Please update us OP, once you have spoken to your brother.. this is too wierd. Can I just ask, how come you didn't meet SIL in the either before she was pg or in the 9 months it took to hatch your DN ? When you speak to your DB on Skype/phone, is he ever alone..? I am with the camp that thinks your DB is being isolated, the 'preserving the baby's privacy' from own family is just plain nutsville !. If this thread were reversed and DSil was DS there would be a thousand posts on how her DH was trying to isolate and manipulate her away from family and about 5.posts on how she couldn't possibly cope with an hour's visit because the baby had had some kind of operation...it's simply not right and you are right to be concerned.

It's potentially quite damaging to speculate that your DB has been forbidden from seeing his family. You simply don't know that anything close to this has happened and it does seem divisive to suggest it, given what they're going through and the effort SIL has managed to make.

I agree with this completely. You're certainly not being U to want to see your nephew, OP, or to have asked in the way that you have, or to think this is all pretty weird. But please resist the temptation to assume that your SIL is to blame. You just don't know enough about what's going on to justify that kind of assumption. It's easy to scapegoat ILs - but rarely helpful.

I haven't spoken to him yet. Tbh I'm a little bit scared to. I hadn't thought that he might be trying to go no contact as someone upthread suggested but the secrecy certainly does suggest that might be the case. I texted him to ask whether I could send a present for the baby but he hasn't replied. I'm going to speak to my mum and other brother before I phone him again (he can't take personal calls at work) to see whether they have heard from him. My two brothers aren't close at all though, there is a very big age gap between them.

Sassy I was pregnant before my DB and DSIL got married (they got married the month after my DS3 was born) and suffering badly with SPD so I couldn't travel much. Then after that DSIL was pregnant and she had had a scare with the pregnancy early on so she didn't want to travel. My DS3 was a very difficult baby due to health problems (silent reflux and undiagnosed food allergies/intolerances) so I still wasn't in a position to travel. It really was just coincidence that we could t get together but we have been in contact, my DB is very keen on Skype so we can all 'see' each other.

I have been warned not to send a present. I strongly suspect DB is walking on eggshells at the moment. Whatever the reason, I don't want to rock the boat by making trouble for him.