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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH night out

39 replies

Fall78 · 27/08/2014 22:50

I started back to work this week after maternity leave (baby is only 15weeks old but couldn't afford not to go back). OH works shifts so a lot of the time he isn't here for evening routine ie getting baby ready for bed. This week I have found it tough juggling work and baby in the evenings I do the washing tidy the house up get baby ready for bed and get him settled it's about 10pm before I actually sit down and relax a bit. Now because of OH work he isnt here to help much. Today and tomorrow are his days off this week he had baby today for four hours got on like he should be made a saint (my mum took him in the afternoon). So this evening I came home he's cooked dinner (fab) then he told me he's going out tomorrow for dinner and cinema with two single guys from his work. I am so pissed off he doesn't hve many evenings off where he can help me and when he does he plans to go out with the people he'll spend all weekend with. I told him he isn't single with no responsibilities like the other two and he needs to help me more. But he is saying I'm being unreasonable and he deserves an evening free

OP posts:
MamaPain · 27/08/2014 22:55

Can you alternate, so next week on one of his nights off you go out and he does it all on his own?

Also things have changed and this is just the beginning. Now you are back at work you need to come up with an agreement regarding household jobs that works for both of you and doesn't mean one person is doing lots more than another, including childcare.

Original poster
Fall78 · 27/08/2014 22:58

Tbh I'm not even wanting a night out if I wanted to go to the cinema with a girlfriend tomorrow I could my mum is very helpful. I'm pissed off that he just thinks it's acceptable to make plans and not think how I could like the extra help and the company tomorrow evening

OP posts:
Charitybelle · 27/08/2014 23:02

YANBU, however just having an argument with him doesn't sound like it will work, and he might just dig his heels in. I would agree with him that a night off every now and again is justified, but explain (calmly) how hard you've found it juggling everything since going back to work and so you obviously need time off too. Then make sure that every time he books a night off, you do too. Go out on your own if you have to, just ensure he is left with baby and no support from dm/mil. Maybe he will start to get it! It's a bit like cutting your nose off to spite your face, as means that you will prob miss out on time at home as a couple/family whenever he is off, but at least you will get a well deserved break and he might appreciate what you do more if he has to do it occasionally?Good luck, the period of adjusting responsibilities after a new baby can be really hard, especially when it feels like your life is complete altered and your partners is barely any different!

Charitybelle · 27/08/2014 23:05

The point is not that you get to go out whenever you need, it's that he has to stay in and do child are/housework. He won't 'get it' if he is never made to do what you have to every day. Agree with pp about division of chores, it needs to be more equal, so a sit down discussion needs to be had. If not, you will start to resent it more and more until it causes arguments.

MamaPain · 27/08/2014 23:06

Fair enough, but I think realistically you can't expect him to know how you feel in advance, you need to discuss it with him. It sounds like you have done a lot, which will mean he hasn't experienced that relentless baby caring phase. So discuss how much you are doing and how you feel.

You have to push for what you want and to make sure he does his fair share, but also recognise that maybe he isn't doing as much as you, but he also isn't doing nothing so is justified and normal in wanting some time away. Make sure you get time away too, even if it is just to watch tv at your mums or have a bath while he does the putting to bed.

furcoatbigknickers · 27/08/2014 23:07

It must be really hard with such a young baby and work. I'd be the same. But at some point a social life is nice.

MrsWinnibago · 27/08/2014 23:08

I think yabu. You could get a sitter...if you want to spend time with him, you have to tell him and plan.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/08/2014 23:10

But the thing is, you could want a night out. Just because you dont doesnt mean he shouldnt.

What would his reaction be if you said "dh, as you are off friday night ive made plans to go out"?

Also, if you work and he works shifts, thereare times he is with the baby while you are at work?

Viviennemary · 27/08/2014 23:16

I think he is entitled to a night out sometimes but so are you. It is difficult to get it right and make sure you both get a fair deal. And if it's your first week back at work you are bound to be a bit stressed and tired out.

grocklebox · 27/08/2014 23:17

yabu. You have a baby,it doesn't mean everyones' life has to stop dead. Seeing friends, having a social life,its still important.just because you dont want to go out doesn't mean he isn't allowed.

Original poster
Fall78 · 27/08/2014 23:18

He was out two weeks ago with them said he'd be home at 9 landed in drunk at 1am. He also plays football once a week if his shifts allow so I don't feel like I am a nagging wife. I think tomorrow is unreasonable aS it's my first week back to work and I'm knackered and a little help in the evening would of been nice.

OP posts:
MamaPain · 27/08/2014 23:26

Yes I imagine you're probably exhausted, but don't let that make you unreasonable. Have some sleep tonight and see how you feel tomorrow. If you really want him home, talk to him and say how much it would mean to you and explain your feelings. I do think that if you really explain it to him then he should probably choose to stay home.

I've been married a long time and have quite a few children, learning that my DH had a completely different perspective and opinion on how I would want something to happen was a revelation for me and only something I became aware of by talking it through with him.

I can't see your point about coming home at 1am rather than 9 as he's an adult and with a young baby there isn't much difference between 9 and 1, I'd have thought you would be asleep at both times.

grocklebox · 27/08/2014 23:26

would have.
Well,try talking to him instead of MN then.

Original poster
Fall78 · 27/08/2014 23:33

Coming home at 1am didn't make a difference as we were sleeping I was just meaning I'm not some demanding wife that thinks his life should stop I haven't put a stop to his social life at all. It's just tomorrow pissed me off maybe I'm over tired and over dramatising it

OP posts:
Original poster
Fall78 · 27/08/2014 23:35

Sorry for the grammar mistake grocklebox I have spoken to him it was just curious for an outsider opinion to see if I was BU. thought that was the whole point of this section silly me Hmm

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/08/2014 00:10

So, your baby isn't 4 months old yet.

Does anyone on here remember what that was like, even without going back to work being in the mix?

When will men realise that becoming a parent means that your life will change? It doesn't mean that it will end, but you have different responsibilities and should have different priorities.

Yes he can go out with his friends from time-to-time, but the first week his wife is back at work is not the best time.
And whilst I appreciate that couples shouldn't live in each others' pockets, it's bloomin' early days to be leaving your (shattered) wife on her own.

Also, if he comes in drunk, she is working all day, all evening and through the night if the baby wakes up. And no doubt he'll be too hungover to do anything much the next day.

YANBU and you need a proper talk about all this.

PhaedraIsMyName · 28/08/2014 00:22

I don't think you are being unreasonable and generally I'm usually quite unsympathetic to posters complaining about their partners going out.

SuchSweetSorrow · 28/08/2014 07:41

No, YANBU

You have a young baby and have just gone back to work- you must be exhausted. He should be putting your family's needs above going out on a jolly, and wanting to be with you both during this time, actually.

Well done OP anyway, it sounds like you're doing a great job

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2014 09:08

You have to tell him how you are feeling your baby is so young you have adjusted life to your baby and work and everything else your husband hasn't tell him how you feel he might be a selfish twat who does not care but he might just think nothing has changed he is not a mind reader

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2014 09:10

Oh yanbu though would piss me off infact dh was a bit the same when d1 was born

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2014 09:12

The way I am read ing the op isnt being stroppy demanding he stay home she feels unsupported by him,

themummyonthebus · 28/08/2014 09:22

I'm amazed at some of these responses. Bedtime routine with a baby is horrible, especially if you have one like my first who just never wanted to sleep. I also went back to work when my children were so young, needs must, but I would have gone mad if DH hadn't been there to pull his weight. I understand your DH works shifts so sometimes you'll inevitably be doing it by yourself, but the nights he's not working he should be pulling his weight, not swanning off out.

I do agree you need to sit down and have a discussion about division of labour including how you both spend any free time. This will also change over time as the baby becomes less demanding but once you find what works for you both it will take the pressure off you both and you can adapt it as the baby grows or you change jobs or have a second child

So no, YANBU.

rainbowinmyroom · 28/08/2014 09:29

YANBU. It's early days with a new baby and you are both working. There needs be some serious discussion about fair and proportional division of labour in relation to both your workloads.

When you have a young baby and work, social life really does take a backseat. It's not forever, they grow up, but it's a reality and part of having kids.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2014 13:30

I'm always curious as to why the usual MN response is Tit-for-Tat.

He's going on a stag weekend? Book a spa day

He's out with his mates every Friday night - make sure you're out with yours on Saturdays.

No taking into account finances, tiredness, chores, care for children or the fact that maybe you should both want to spend time together with your family.

Don't get it.

rainbowinmyroom · 28/08/2014 13:34

Exactly, Nanny. 'Get a sitter.' What if you don't have the money? Or are knackered from working + young baby.

Reality is that your social life takes a backseat for a while when babies are young. Things get better, it's temporary, but mature adults can easily discern this and discuss how to support each other and the family.

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