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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like I am. Feel really guilty

31 replies

Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 12:46

So DS had a TA last year who was amazing, properly properly amazing. He was a changed child.

So he is moving schools this year and I decided to keep her on as her PA because she has been so good for him, but I don't get direct payments for him but I worked out that we could JUST afford 2 hours a week at £10 an hour if we were really frugal.

Anyway usually she takes him out swimming and to mcdonalds, for 2 hours, I pay her for her time and give her extra money for the price of swimming and a happy meal.

But this week she wanted to take him out today instead of yesterday so she could have an extra day on her holiday, fine, until we realised that all the pools here are closed for bank holiday Hmm

So she offered to take him to the beach instead. The beach is an hour away, so I said no, we could only afford 2 hours so she could take him to the park near us if she wanted. She then said she doesn't care about the extra money and she would take her dogs as well as long as I didn't mind DS being late back and take them all to the beach killing 2 birds with one stone and just accept 2 hours pay even though it's clearly going to be longer than that, they've been gone 3 hours already.

I have managed to blitz the house and tidy all the toys out of the garden and now I'm sitting down having 5 minutes feeling terrible that she's going to be working for basically free for an hour or two. But I really really can't afford anymore.

I feel so bad.

DS hasn't slept for about a week either so I'm also ridiculously grateful for the chance to catch up with the housework.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 25/08/2014 12:48

Love, I've done over 1500 volunteer hours in the last 2 years just to get a garden into shape that isn't even mine; stop stressing.

Floccinaucinihilipilificate · 25/08/2014 12:49

YA totally NBU. Don't feel guilty. It sounds like it was what she wanted to do - she got to take her dogs, she swapped to have a longer holiday. She volunteered the extra time. Everything has worked out brilliantly.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 12:49

I know people volunteer. I volunteer my time running a support group for parents with children like DS and I don't mind at all.

But taking help is something I don't seem to manage well.

OP posts:
TheOriginalWinkly · 25/08/2014 12:50

Don't feel guilty. You didn't ask, she offered. She's happy, your DS is happy, the dogs are happy, your house is clean. Pat yourself on the back for keeping such a positive influence in your son's life. Nothing to feel guilty about, you're not taking the piss in any way.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 12:50

Thanks. I hoped it was ok. I just can't get over that little niggle that feels like I'm taking advantage

OP posts:
TheOriginalWinkly · 25/08/2014 12:52

Besides, maybe she felt guilty for changing the day so you're actually helping her out. This is a win-win-win scenario :)

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 25/08/2014 12:53

Don't be daft.

She changed the day to suit her, she clearly cares about DS and doesn't see him as 'a job' - they're probably having a ball, it's something different for them and you are getting a much needed break... win/win/win so stop fretting and enjoy!

AlpacaPicnic · 25/08/2014 12:53

You'd be taking advantage if you asked her to do it 4 times a week for no extra pay.
But you didn't, did you?
She offered. She is lovely. I hope your ds has had a lovely time.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 12:53

She shouldn't feel guilty for anything, she gave me my little boy back. Turned him from a terribly anxious little thing who hated school and clung to me to a confident, happy little boy who'd quite happily trade me in for her for a few hours. Smile

OP posts:
Nomama · 25/08/2014 12:54

You are taking advantage. Most definitely!

You are taking full advantage of an opportunity a woman who knows you and your son has offered you.

Enjoy your day, just as she, her dogs and your DS are doing Smile

Boysclothes · 25/08/2014 12:55

Get into bed for a nap!!

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 12:55

I don't think she does see him as a job you're right. He loves her completely Smilethanks everyone. I'll chill out now haha

OP posts:
araiba · 25/08/2014 12:55

she offered

be grateful and accept kind offers

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 12:57

I wish I could take a nap. I don't think I would ever wake up again!

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 25/08/2014 12:58

Please please don't feel bad, she offered. She sounds lovely, as do yiu. Enjoy your 5minutes and embrace the boy that he's become.

LokiBear · 25/08/2014 12:59

You should feel very proud of your son. He has made such an impact on his TA that spending time with him is more important than money. I am a teacher. Some kids change your life and touch your heart in ways that I can't even describe. You always want to go the extra mile for them. Enjoy the rest x

Coughle · 25/08/2014 12:59

You've given her the opportunity to perform a kind act for people she cares about. That's a priceless gift.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 13:00

Thank you Loki Smile he is a bit gorgeous

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 25/08/2014 13:01

You are not taking advantage. She offered. It works for her too.

When you have a few pounds spare maybe buy her some flowers or bake her a cake or even simply give her a card saying thank you and how much you appreciate her. That would probably mean more to her.

Not sure if possible with DS but could he help make her some biscuits or a card to say thanks for a lovely day?

MrsWinnibago · 25/08/2014 13:02

She obviously likes your son enough that the extra pay means nothing. She's happy, he's happy and you're happy. Win, win, win. Flowers

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 13:04

That would be a lovely idea if my muffins didn't turn out looking really gross Grin

I'll definitely do her another card again soon though.

I just gave her one in July when he left, wrote it after a glass of wine and went on and on about how much she's helped us and how grateful we all are.

I probably best not do it again so soon or she might think I'm a bit of a creepy weirdo

OP posts:
TwiggyHeart · 25/08/2014 14:07

How lovely! She wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to and I bet DS is having a blast, don't stress!

x2boys · 25/08/2014 14:13

I bet your son a her are having a great time she/wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to ,I have a four year old with ASD and learning difficulties so I know how challenging children with additional needs can be and how much of a relief a break can be enjoy it .

TheHorseHasBolted · 25/08/2014 16:11

I feel a bit silly since I work in special needs myself but what does PA stand for? I can only think of personal assistant and it doesn't seem quite right.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 25/08/2014 16:56

PA is personal assistant. It's a bit like a one to one TA but at home

OP posts:
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