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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ooooh a wedding related one!

33 replies

HollyGuacamolly · 18/08/2014 16:28

My friend is getting married (I was supposed to be BM but can't due to pregnancy) and she really wants the bridesmaids to wear a certain colour wedding dress (purple), the actual dresses haven't been chosen yet just the colour, the bride is paying for the dresses.

Two of the bridesmaids are saying they don't want to wear

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 18/08/2014 16:29

Woops posted to soon.

Well they are saying they don't want to wear purple and would rather wear blue (not aggressively but moaning about it and saying it's not nice). Is friend being unreasonable to insist they wear purple?

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 18/08/2014 16:30

If the bride is paying then the bride gets to choose!

AlpacaYourThings · 18/08/2014 16:31

No, SNBU as its probably part of her (and her soon to be DH's) colour scheme.

ICanSeeTheSun · 18/08/2014 16:32

The bride is paying for the dresses, if they don't want to wear the dress then simple don't be a BM.

I hope the bride didn't make the decision to exclude you as BM due to pregnancy.

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 18/08/2014 16:32

That's what I thought. Her flowers are purple, centre pieces etc.

Also, whilst the MN jury is here, is she unreasonable to ask the BMs to wear their hair down (she's wearing hers up). Again she is paying for the hairdresser.

OP posts:
parakeet · 18/08/2014 16:33

If I had had adult bridesmaids I wouldn't have just laid down the law about what colour their dresses were, I would have consulted with them and tried to find something we all were happy with - even if I was shelling out.

(However I do find the concept of adult bridesmaids a bit self-indulgent.)

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 18/08/2014 16:34

ican no I opted out as the wedding is close to my due date.

OP posts:
PrincessOfChina · 18/08/2014 16:35

I would have consulted with them before now, but as a BM would just suck it up.

EmmanuelWoganberry · 18/08/2014 16:36

Arguing about colour is pointless, they are BU to want blue if the bride wants purple. I do think they should have some sa in the style though

indigo18 · 18/08/2014 16:37

ICanSee why should the bride not make a decision based on a pregnancy?
I would want to choose my bridesmaids according my own criteria; if that meant I would not ask someone who was heavily pregnant (at time of wedding), or tattooed, or obese, then so be it!

CombineBananaFister · 18/08/2014 16:37

SNBU - if they don't like the colour, don't be a bridesmaid. Could sort of understand if the style of the dress is hard to wear for some and they had a little moan about that (am thinking figure hugging or ridiculously short) but even then it's sort off tough, but colour? No.

GemmaWella81 · 18/08/2014 16:37

Her money and it's not unreasonable...

If she'd said dysentery beige on the other hand, they'd have a point..

If they don't like it, don't be a BM

/thread

AlpacaYourThings · 18/08/2014 16:38

Also, whilst the MN jury is here, is she unreasonable to ask the BMs to wear their hair down (she's wearing hers up). Again she is paying for the hairdresser.

Nope, my bridesmaids had their hair up as mine was down.

Lucked · 18/08/2014 16:39

I think the bride picking the colour of the dresses is usually a given, to not do so is unusual. I would also say that the bride asking for hair down is fine whether paying for hairdresser or not. To ask for hair up without paying for a hair dresser would be a bit cheeky as some bms might not be able to do it themselves.

The bms need to get over themselves. If they are really upset about their hair they could ask for a compromise on half up.

CombineBananaFister · 18/08/2014 16:40

Think dictating hairstyles for a grown woman is a step too far though, even if it is to fit in with a theme - it's just too controlling IMHO.

Ragwort · 18/08/2014 16:40

I think the whole concept of adult bridesmaid is prissy, princessy and as parkeet says, totally self-indulgent. But then perhaps the adult BMs shouldn't have agreed to be BMs without a sensible discussion first about what they are expected to wear, how their hair is to be, shoes, what colour knickers etc etc Grin.

Why do people make such a fuss over weddings, just go to the register office, sign the paperwork and have a meal. Job done. Grin.

slithytove · 18/08/2014 16:43

Friend inbu, totally normal imo

Leeds2 · 18/08/2014 16:43

If the bride is paying for it, then I think the bride gets to choose the colour, although I think that, if I were the bride, I would've sounded the bridesmaids out first. I think they should have a say on style though, as some styles just do not suit some people. I do know of one wedding where a bridesmaid quit because she refused to wear a sleeveless dress, and the bride wouldn't compromise.

I don't think it is unreasonable for the bride to ask the bridesmaids to have their hair down, especially as she is paying for the hairdresser.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 18/08/2014 16:45

I thought the Bride choosing the colour of the bridesmaid dresses was pretty normal. Why would the bride want blue if her wedding colour is purple? I think the friends are being U.

browneyedgirl86 · 18/08/2014 16:51

I don't think the bride is being unreasonable at choosing the colour of the dresses.

As for hair seeing as the bride is paying for it I don't think she is being that unreasonable but I must admit a tiny part of me thinks it's a little bit controlling. I wouldn't entertain her if I was one of her bridesmaids and I had to wear it in a certain way if she wasn't paying for it but that's only because I'm not that good with different hairstyles and as my hair is short there's not much that can be done!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 18/08/2014 16:51

If she wants her BMs in purple then she wants her BMs in purple. If they want Navy then they can (1) decline or (2) have navy for their own BMs.

Thumbwitch · 18/08/2014 16:55

I don't think that it is completely unreasonable of the bride to want her BMs to look the way she wants them to - and if that means her choosing the colour of their dresses and the way their hair is styled, then if she's paying for it, so be it.

However, if the colour purple is hideously unattractive and will make them all look like Violet Beauregarde after she chewed the gum, then I think the BMs should be allowed some input into the concept. Ditto if their hair is completely unsuited to being left down.

I did, however, refuse to be a BM to my sister if she insisted on dressing us in pale gold. Luckily her DH was also refusing to wear pale gold waistcoat/cravat etc. so between us we got the colour scheme changed - she didn't mind, her second choice was far better and made everyone (including her!) happy. Grin

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 18/08/2014 17:00

I actually think purple suits blond, dark, red hair and fair or darker skin.

Thumbwitch · 18/08/2014 17:02

Depends on the purple - whether it's a soft squashy sort of purple or an in-yer-face Cadbury's foil sort of purple. Grin
I have red/blonde hair and can do the squashy/ dark wine sort of purple, but not the brasher Cadbury's version.

ICanSeeTheSun · 18/08/2014 17:02

The hair is a little diffrent if it needs to be cut. A dress comes off and styles can be washed out but hair needs time to grow back.