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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give money away someone else gave you?

67 replies

shockinglybadteacher · 29/07/2014 19:56

This isn't an urgent problem, but a confusing one :)

It's my birthday. (Well, not today, but it will be in a week or so). My relatives will probably give me money as a present, because I am not a kid any more.

I'm not talking loads of cash, just a nice sort of remembrance, which I really appreciate and like. Some people give me gift cards which I love and always use. Some, however, give me actual money.

This year, if it happens (tbh I am happy with birthday card without present! If I get a nice card I am delighted.) there is one person who I think might give me money. If they do I've been thinking about donating that money to a cause. The person who might give me money would not approve of the cause, to say the least.

What is the right thing to do here? Not use the money in that way thinking of the giver's views? Or use it as it is a present?

OP posts:

wowfudge · 29/07/2014 19:58

If it is a gift it is totally up to you what you do with it. No one should give a gift with conditions.

startwig1982 · 29/07/2014 19:59

I think you can do what you like with it! If they haven't stipulated that you use it for something then why not?

Original poster

shockinglybadteacher · 29/07/2014 20:03

The person will expect an email telling them what I did with it

If I say "I donated it to X campaign" which is what I would like to do, that person is going to be upset/angry/offended. I could lie I suppose but it does feel a bit wrong.

It's like this but in reverse - if you gave someone money and they said "Thanks for that, I donated it all to the BNP".

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 29/07/2014 20:06

Keep the money they gave you, and spend it on some clothes next time you need/want some. Only buy what you normally would out of your normal budgeting.

Donate a similar amount of money yourself to the good cause.

humding · 29/07/2014 20:08

Presumably at some stage in the near future you will need holiday spending money or an item of clothing or make up, or be going out for a meal or event. Say it is for that. Them giving you the money means the money you had allocated for that can be given to your cause.

awsomer · 29/07/2014 20:10

I see what you mean...

Although, some donations are quite like presents aren't they - like you could sponsor a tiger/donkey/dog and you end up with a big bumf of things in return (certificate, key ring, etc.)

I think it's your money so it's absolutely fine for you to spend the money however you please, but would a 'sponsor a...' donation be a happy compromise for you. Or did you have a specific cause in mind?

StandsOnGoldenSands · 29/07/2014 20:12

If you don't want to offend them then use their money to buy something you would have got anyway and treat the donation as coming out of your own purse.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 29/07/2014 20:14

Is it going to the bnp? totally misses point of the thread

Thumbwitch · 29/07/2014 20:18

Unless you specifically want to piss the present-giver off, I would redirect your funds. Use the present money for something else you want to buy yourself (book, clothes, chocolate, sport/hobby, whatever) and donate to the cause they would hate separately.

BackforGood · 29/07/2014 20:23

Agree with the others who say, thank them for the gift, and say you will put it towards {insert something you were going to treat yourself to anyway - be it a thing or a meal out or towards a theatre trip or whatever}, then, in your own mind, use the money you now no longer have to spend on your 'luxury' to donate to whatever cause it is you want to donate to.
It seems a bit perverse to say you are specifically giving the money they gave you, to a cause that they wouldn't approve of.
This way, everyone's happy.

mewkins · 29/07/2014 20:25

If you tell them what you have donated to you can be assured that there will be no future cheques!

daisychain01 · 29/07/2014 20:26

If I were you, I would get round the problem by saying you are tucking the money away for the time being, and once you have got round to buying something with the money, you will let them know.

Presumably they are not going to give you a time limit on you spending the money....

Eventually you will buy something or other, and you can say that was their present money. Meanwhile donate their actual money, whats the difference?

ShatnersBassoon · 29/07/2014 20:26

I agree about simply using it for something you were going to buy anyway, even if it's something mundane, then using whatever you'd have spent on that item to donate to the campaign. Everyone's a winner.

Viviennemary · 29/07/2014 20:27

I don't think it would be quite right to donate the money to a cause your friend or relation might not approve of. Just spend it on yourself even if it's something you would have bought anyway. And then give a donation to the charity as a separate thing.

ICanSeeTheSun · 29/07/2014 20:31

What ever you get with the gift cards tell them that.

greeneggsandjam · 29/07/2014 20:33

If someone is kind enough to give you some money then don't spend it on something that would annoy them.

I am more interested to know what the cause is though!

daisychain01 · 29/07/2014 21:24

It seems a bit perverse to say you are specifically giving the money they gave you, to a cause that they wouldn't approve of

Backforgoodyou put it perfectly! I think, why does shockingly have to link those two events together when she doesn't have to. Just separate them, problem solved.

Maybe Im slow or something but it wouldn't even occur to me to say "Im going to take Auntie Mabel's £20 and donate it to a cause I know she doesn't agree with". A rather odd thought process.

Original poster

shockinglybadteacher · 29/07/2014 21:35

It's cause I am usually completely broke! So if I get an extra £50 usually I would buy myself something nice with it and tell my relative "Thank you so much for the pressie, I have bought a lovely couple of tops" etc. They do always want to know what I got with it.

I get gift cards from other family members and I always buy something with the card. For example I get gift cards for shops or online which are great and I always find something as a treat :)

However for me to donate £50 in one go would be near impossible, I am not very well off. This year I have felt strongly that £50 if it goes to me as a present would be better spent elsewhere. I'm worried though that a. that is a bit arsey when that is not the intention of the gift and b. the fact the relation I got the money from would not approve of what I am doing with it and I'd have to lie.

OP posts:

DizzyKipper · 29/07/2014 21:52

Whilst I do normally think once given the money is your's to do with as you wish, I do think it's a bit off using the money for something you know would really upset/annoy them (unless their feelings are completely OTT/unreasonable). Do you think the relative is unreasonable in how strong their reaction is?
You don't need to donate the £50 in one go either, why not keep a mental tally and do it in increments until the whole £50 has been donated?

yellowdinosauragain · 29/07/2014 21:54

Am I the only person who wants to know what the op is going to donate to? :o

ShatnersBassoon · 29/07/2014 22:00

I guess animal rights.

daisychain01 · 29/07/2014 22:04

Me too, yellow.

shockingly if you're broke, why arent you going to spend the money on a nice treat for yourself. Surely your need is greater at this time? Why are you making yourself have to go without, esp. if its your birthday. If its £50, you could buy a little something and still give some money away?

greenfolder · 29/07/2014 22:05

It doesn't sit well to donate if they were against eg auntie x is gay and I'm giving it to the catholic church. However, if you are intending to give it to starving people in the third world and they think that charity starts at home, then crack on. Do not lie to them

addictedtosugar · 29/07/2014 22:07

Can you "double account" for some of the spending - so if Great Aunt Maude gives you some cash, and MiL gives you a Greggs gift card, can you tell them both you had a lovely picnic of fruit shoots and sausage rolls? And then give the money to the BNP?

Flipflops7 · 29/07/2014 22:08

Money is money. Donate your own money to the cause and spend the gift on something for yourself. Upsetting the giver is just making a point. Charity begins at home.

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