To give money away someone else gave you?

[shockinglybadteacher]

This isn't an urgent problem, but a confusing one :)

It's my birthday. (Well, not today, but it will be in a week or so). My relatives will probably give me money as a present, because I am not a kid any more.

I'm not talking loads of cash, just a nice sort of remembrance, which I really appreciate and like. Some people give me gift cards which I love and always use. Some, however, give me actual money.

This year, if it happens (tbh I am happy with birthday card without present! If I get a nice card I am delighted.) there is one person who I think might give me money. If they do I've been thinking about donating that money to a cause. The person who might give me money would not approve of the cause, to say the least.

What is the right thing to do here? Not use the money in that way thinking of the giver's views? Or use it as it is a present?

VRTA that is a fucking fantastic idea. There are quite a few Palestinian shops or shops which sell Palestinian goods where I live and they collect for Palestine too. I can do that and everyone's happy. (What I might donate to in my spare time is up to me ;))

Ah! I knew I could trust MN :)

Spiders I started a thread about this not really to emphasise the cause (there are also a fair few MN threads about it) but to ask about if I was doing something dodgy. I would not have mentioned the cause if not asked! (I doubt MN AIBU threads are the best places to do that anyway).

The cause isn't really the question (although luckily I did get a helpful answer which sorted the problem for me). Like I said it could have been cats, it could have been supporting Israel, it could have been making horses wear nappies in public, or anything really. It was just "X will probably give me money, I would like to spend money in Y place, X does not like Y, is this wrong".

I think if you are untroubled by the idea of picking a cause that would upset the person giving you the money, it is incredibly perverse to be troubled by the idea of lying to them.

It just seems very odd to get so het up about it - if you know you would be deliberately hurting someone, either don't do it or lie. To consider it 'dodgy' just seems very teenage as others have pointed out. You're a grown up, this isn't a big thing, which is why it seems attention-seeking (again, as others have pointed out).

Pagwatch I think this was what I was confused about. I wouldn't deliberately pick a cause to piss off X, that would be very childish behaviour. I also never have before wanted to do this, but I would actually feel weirder about doing it then lying than doing it and then telling the truth. No idea why!

Spiders do you mean attention seeking from X? Or?

Perhaps work that through?

Because if you are more uncomfortable about lying than you are about doing something that would bother them, that may mean you think your feelings are far more important than theirs. Which might mean you should actually reconsider accepting the money at all.

You could tell them and ask if they would object or if they would prefer you return the money. That would respect their views but allow you to maintain your integrity about your choice.

On the day I received the money or the day before I would donate £50 of my own money directly from my bank account, I would then pay in the £50 birthday gift.

That way you aren't lying, you donated your own money, not their gift.

I would then tell them the money will go towards whatever you have planned in the next month, days out with the kids, a night out, anything you plan to buy.
The money is in the family pot so it will go towards whatever you are planning so you aren't lying.

Changed my mind now I know the cause! Spend away on Palestinian goods!!!

In our family grandparents were very generous with monetary gifts. One cousin. Always have most offers to charity. She started receiving less money because my grandparents weren't trying to help the world, just family (they had their own favourite charities).

Don't tell the person what you used it on. Or, use your own money in same amount for charity donation then use theirs on food and bills.

Why are some of you being unpleasant to the OP, just because she is asking a question about principles?

OP, I would agree with a lot of other posters and think you should buy something nice for yourself that you'd usually buy with the money you're given, and give the same amount from your own money to help Palestinians.

ShockinglyBad, buy this: www.peaceoil.org/

I agree with the telling the relative you're buying clothing with it or putting it towards a holiday and donating other money to the cause mentally. If I gave money to someone and they told me they'd given it away, even to a cause I approved of I'd feel they didn't need the money and would buy a present/ give a gift voucher next time, but would feel they were fairly well off if they want to give their presents away.
I think it's rude to tell someone you are giving their present away whether the present is money or a thing.

Goodness that Peace Oil is expensive!

www.theguardian.com/uk/2007/dec/07/israel

Interesting article regarding the Peace Oil. I did have my reservations about it. I think I would stick to Zaytoun products myself.

I did receive the gift and thanks for you all for giving me help about it!

What I've decided to do is not tell the giver I am going to give it away because you are all right, it might make me feel better (because I am being honest) but would make the giver feel like crap (which is being very immature, as pointed out). It isn't the right thing to do.

It might have seemed strange to ask but I honestly am a bit crap at morality, or at least how things might seem to other people. So I was grateful for your advice.

I have spotted some nice items I would really like in a shop run to help Palestinians. I will get those then add my own donation on top of it. That way everyone is happy. I will be able to tell the giver of the nice items, they have been bought and a donation has been made. I have nice items which I like. No one is offended but it may have been helpful.

Greeneggsandjam thank you as well for your suggestion!

YABVU to make horses wear nappies in public. Unless they are Palestinian nappies ;)

LOL, with a flag on? That'd look lush

I heard, and it may be an urban legend, that one US town tried to pass an ordinance to make horses wear nappies. I can't understand how this would work - how would you get them on in the first place?