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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should support me in toddlers routine?

27 replies

Dizzywizz · 28/07/2014 20:45

Ok, so I think this is hitting hard to dh as it is to do with ILs and so he is taking it personally.

Basically ds has a routine where his nap finishes no later than 3 and he goes to bed at 7. Last 2 weeks ILs have had him one day a week and he keeps having late naps till 4 so he will not go to bed until really late.

This week they didn't even get him home until 8.30pm when it should be 5.30pm! I can't speak to them as don't speak the language, asked dh to make sure he has early nap but dh says it doesn't matter if he goes off routine once in a while - but it's not him putting him to bed! Am I being over the top, or is dh bu?

OP posts:
CrohnicallyDepressed · 28/07/2014 20:47

It depends.

What happens when toddler goes to bed late? If it affects his sleep or he is grumpy the next day, then YANBU.

If toddler takes it in his stride and couldn't care less that he's gone to bed late then YABU.

notagainffffffffs · 28/07/2014 20:48

Tbh I think if you let inlaws etc take care of your dc you have to give over control a bit. So in your position I would either .. learn how to ask them to fo what you'd like or use professionals to babysit etc

Galvanized · 28/07/2014 20:48

He should put him to bed on the "late" nights, that's a fair compromise and less stressful all round.

Only1scoop · 28/07/2014 20:51

If they are doing it for childcare rather than fun ....it's awkward surely if you don't personally communicate with them....

Let your Dh deal with the grumpiness etc and bedtimes after visits he will soon be asking them to follow routine....

Shakey1500 · 28/07/2014 20:54

You are being a little over the top (unless as previously mentioned, it's affecting him the next day). It can be helpful to waiver the "routine" regularly in preparation for when, inevitably, things happen and an upset to routine is unavoidable.

YANBU to want DH to share in the task of putting to bed. I also agree that if other people are helping/offering with childcare some things you'd rather have done can go out the window.

Sirzy · 28/07/2014 20:55

are they providing childcare?

Original poster
Dizzywizz · 28/07/2014 20:56

Dh can't help with bedtime as he works 9am-11pm-midnight ish, runs own business. I guess it probably doesn't affect ds next day but it affects me - I go to bed at 9 as I have an illness plus am preg and ds often wakes 5-6am, most days alarm for nursery and work goes off at 6 anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzywizz · 28/07/2014 20:57

Yes it is for childcare but ultimately my parents could have him or he could have an extra day at nursery. And I want him to see them to help with his language development in their language.

OP posts:
Happy36 · 28/07/2014 21:00

Is there anyway you can try to communicate with the in laws yourself? It may be that there was confusion for them over his routine times initially and they don't realise they are making thongs difficult for you?

You could bring it up when you, they and your husband are all together then they will ask him to translate...

BlackeyedSusan · 28/07/2014 21:01

make it affect dh. you are too tired to do something becasue ds did not go to bed. make sure the something you are too tired for impacts on h be it washing, making food, running errands...

Original poster
Dizzywizz · 28/07/2014 21:15

Can't communicate with ILs, it is worth trying to get dh to translate but not sure when we will all be together, I see them on my own normally when they drop dh off. And sadly I don't think I can make it affect dh, he just doesn't seem to care if I can't do things cos I'm ill/tired and I can't live with mess if I don't clean up, do washing etc...

OP posts:
Marmiteandjamislush · 28/07/2014 21:20

How old is the toddler in question?

Original poster
Dizzywizz · 28/07/2014 21:23

Nearly 2

OP posts:
Marmiteandjamislush · 28/07/2014 21:38

Then, you are not being unreasonable, he needs his nap to be that not a sleep. I think actually, that your partner and in laws are being very disrespectful towards you. I am assuming that they are happy to do childcare and spend time with their grandchild, so to me this doesn't give them the right to ride roughshod over your routine and beggar the consequences! They should think of the impact on you later and surely your partner should appreciate the strain on you. They may be his parents, but his is a parent and husband himself now (ie a grown up) and he should support you as such. Could you not ring at the time his nap should finish so that they can't say oh we forgot to wake him

Happy36 · 28/07/2014 21:43

Ringing at wake-up time is a great idea from MarmiteandJam.

Or is there a Mumsnet member who can translate for you so you can conmunicate with your in laws directly about this? If you wish you could tell us the language...

Happy36 · 28/07/2014 21:44

Whatever you decide, I hope it is successful for all of you, and quickly. Good luck.

Original poster
Dizzywizz · 28/07/2014 22:05

Well tonight at least he is asleep now. The language is Cantonese but apparently my pronunciation is off so I am just rubbish at it. Not really the thing I can learn over a forum I don't think. I think i will get dh to speak to them about it next wk at drop off and see how next week goes. A few weeks and I am on maternity so if it's just not working I'll just keep him at home with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzywizz · 28/07/2014 22:05

Marmiteandjamislush has summed up exactly how I feel, that it's disrespectful.

OP posts:
Marmiteandjamislush · 28/07/2014 22:14

How long have you been together OP? Are you in the UK?

Happy36 · 29/07/2014 00:30

Ok, good luck with it all, Dizzy.

Original poster
Dizzywizz · 29/07/2014 06:19

We've been together 16 years, married for 5 and yes are in the uk

Thanks happy.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 29/07/2014 06:27

Dizzy: Can you have a good nap on the days your ILs have your DS, then you won't need to go to bed so early?

You may be very grateful for them having your DS when you have your baby as it will be easier to rest in the day.

rosemarytwinkle · 29/07/2014 07:15

Can you write it down and get dh to translate it and ask that he gives it to his parents in case they 'forget'. Put down everything, the whole routine, eating, sleeping. Maybe pretend you are having problems with bedtime and his routine in general and that you need to really crack down on it before the new baby comes, mention it affecting your health now during the pregnancy... Do they really not have enough English for you to give them it written down?

caeleth84 · 29/07/2014 07:56

YANBU. I'm assuming the routine is there for a reason, and it's really important that kids get enough sleep at that age (well, any age really). Especially since you're the one who has to deal with the fall out.

Regardless of whether its childcare or "fun", they still need to recognize that keeping the routine is in the child's best interest, and that trumps the inconvenience (i'm assuming) of having to do certain things at certain times.

sandberry · 29/07/2014 07:57

Do you think you may just be dealing with a cultural clash? perhaps your in laws just cannot imagine any child going to bed at 7pm, this would be exceptionally early in many places.

Do they come from a background where grandparents are revered and respected, our assumption that the mother is the one who is central in decision making about the child is very specific to our culture. In many cultures the grandparents would be the leaders of the family and it would be totally inappropriate for an adult child to 'speak' to them about an issue.

I wouldn't assume disrepect, it may just be a culture clash and it would be sad to hurt relationships long term over a few tired days especially when they are the link to your child's other language