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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH's weekends away while DC are small should be limited?

30 replies

PicnicGatecrasher · 27/07/2014 16:52

Just that really. Been away twice so far this summer with another planned. It's sport (viewing, ie getting trashed in the process) cricket etc. DC's are 3 and 1, and not the tamest of children. No family nearby. I find it tough.

Can't decide of I'm being a killjoy or if he's getting away with murder.

His defense is that it's never a full weekend, but he's useless when he comes back, and can't understand that I'm annoyed.

OP posts:
burgatroyd · 27/07/2014 16:54

He is taking advantage.

burgatroyd · 27/07/2014 16:55

Do you go away for weekends too? If not, why?

CarmineRose1978 · 27/07/2014 16:55

Do you ever get to go away and leave him to cope with the kids alone for a weekend? If not, you need to point out how unfair that is to him.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to object to weekend three. It would be bad enough if he was going away for work at the weekends, but just to get wasted?

amyhamster · 27/07/2014 16:55

Ah I'm well versed in this

Dh gets 3 or 4 lads weekends away a year
This includes any lads/ stags/ family golfing weekends

And I get 3 or 4 girls weekends away
Which can be hen do's, spa weekend with my mum , one time I just booked into a premier inn (29 quid) just to sleep

It's tit for tat
Only way it works tbh

Hobby2014 · 27/07/2014 16:56

I don't think it's right.
Do you get time to do similar ? Ie bugger off for a weekend and leave him with the kids or is it only him?
Even if it was even/fair, I think I'd be wanting us to spend weekends doing family things together instead of separately and knowing the other one is struggling.

fairylightsintheloft · 27/07/2014 16:57

ok well standard answer is that its fine so long as you get some time off in return. DH and I both go away for 1/2 nights fairly frequently and the other holds the fort. It is tiring but it works out roughly equal. DH was away all of yesterday and the night. When he got back this morning at ten, I was banished upstairs with the paper and tea until the F1 was on, at which point I took over. We also build in a certain amount of "hangover allowance" but only a couple of hours, not a whole day Smile

Original poster
PicnicGatecrasher · 27/07/2014 17:00

Yeah Hobby thats how I feel. I kinda
Think if he knows it's not working for me thane he shouldn't book them.

I can/ have been away but there's two issues. 1) he goes to his mums who now thinks I'm a right flake for getting weekend away, and also my friends aren't as flush as his, so I'm faced with either going away on my own. I'd rather an easy weekend at home where he takes them out, cooks, cleans, does bed and bath but it doesn't work like that does it!
I think I need I get better at booking my time.

OP posts:
Bambamb · 27/07/2014 17:07

He goes to his Mum's

This is my DH too! The one time I went away and he took the kids to his Brothers for the whole weekend. Fair enough but I have no family of my own nearby (New Zealand & France!) so when he's away I'm on my own. Thankfully it's very rare that he goes away but it does make me laugh that if I'm ever even out for the day (was shopping kid free on Saturday for the first time in about a year) he goes seeking support. On Sat he managed to get SIL to take DS for the day so he only had DD to worry about.......

Original poster
PicnicGatecrasher · 27/07/2014 17:14

I just want him to FEEL THE PAIN!

He is SO good at offering advice as well, on how to deal with tantrums etc. No idea how to put these into practice when the baby's there too..

Sigh.

Time to flex my booking fingers. Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
Mordirig · 27/07/2014 17:17

His mum thinks you're a flake for having a weekend off?
But her son who can't seem to manage his own children for a weekend by himself and has to palm them off on his mother?!
Some twisted logic there.
For what it's worth me and DH have 2 or 3 weekends away seperatley I get a few more evenings out as I am away from my home town and don't have friends/ family here and get low if I don't have time alone.
DH also takes our two to see his family when I'm away but helps put a lot on weekends we are together so I'm not that fussed what he chooses to do when I'm not around.

Mordirig · 27/07/2014 17:18

Try and book a weekend away when you know he hasn't got any other options but to entertain them
Himself,, he is being arrogant and selfish.

fairylightsintheloft · 27/07/2014 17:23

Erm, I usually take mine to my parents or have them visit when dh is away - why not? Why do people have to 'suffer' in equal measure? OP if you want time alone in the house as your return 'me time' then tell him and make it happen. Stuff your MIL. I have a friend who I know is Hmm about me rarely having the dcs on my own but I ignore her. .it suits me to parent this way. Dont be a martyr about it, just be clear about what you want.

Fairylea · 27/07/2014 17:25

Go away with his mum for a weekend?

Bambamb · 27/07/2014 17:28

Fairy you are right there's nothing wrong with doing this, but it's rotten for OP if she doesn't have family near to do the same when he's having more time away than she is. OP just needs to balance it out and book some time away for herself I reckon.

Bambamb · 27/07/2014 17:28

Go away with his mum for a weekend?

LOVE IT! Take her away for a spa weekend, haha!

OneDreamOnly · 27/07/2014 17:34

fairy nothing wrong with on paper.
Very wrong if it's then used as a 'I had them all on my own too so I know how hard it can be. And I don't think it's that hard'

And yes about feeling the pain. It's not about a tit for tat thing. More of a 'you need to feel how hard day to day slog with a 1&3yo is' before 1- offering advice that you've never tried yourself and 2- because some people need to first feel how hard it is before being able to put themselves on someone else shoes. And the op's DH seems to fall into that last category.

hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 17:36

Yes book a weekend away when you definitely know MIL will be away on holiday Grin

Original poster
PicnicGatecrasher · 27/07/2014 18:44

Well I'd rather chew my own arm off than go away with his mum. And yes, it's more about him knowing what it's like and the effort involved in what's supposed to be my weekend as well.
My family aren't near, if their help was available then I'd take it. I don't like imposing on other peoples weekends, I know how precious they are.
Everyone is right, if I'm feeling aggrieved than its a problem, and as such I need to have equal time away to balance it out. Nothing worse than sitting at home feeling resentful, it doesn't do me, the DC's, or our relationship any favours. I just don't know anyone else who books weekends away without even consulting so didn't have anyone in RL how they felt about it.

OP posts:
Finney2 · 27/07/2014 18:48

Personally, I would be pissed off if my husband went away for three weekends within a few months and I also have a 1 y-o and a 3-y-o who aren't the easiest of children.

I wouldn't bother getting involved in tit for tat if youre not all that bothered about going away yourself. I'd just tell him that it's not acceptable to you and things have to change. I hope he's willing to listen to you.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/07/2014 18:56

I don't understand men going away at weekend, maybe its a modern thing. My dh used to work all hours but would never have suggested a weekend to himself/hobby when dc were little. We did things as a family, not individually, I find it extremely sad.
People are so selfish now and not very family orientated, it can't be good for the dc and they can't have a bond with the missing parent Sad

Delphiniumsblue · 27/07/2014 19:02

Go away with MIL is the answer and can't be argued with! Great idea.

Viviennemary · 27/07/2014 19:11

I think one a year is quite enough usually and none at all when the DC's are so tiny. Unless mega important. I agree with OP that this is just cheeky.

3littlefrogs · 27/07/2014 19:14

That's fine as long as you get the same number of weekends away on your own too.
Otherwise it is totally unacceptable.

wobblyweebles · 27/07/2014 19:18

You need a week away really...

Frontier · 27/07/2014 19:22

I don't think this is about "free" weekends being shared fairly TBH. The time while Dc are small is so short he should want to spend most of his weekends with them. There's something wrong if he prefers to spend lots of weekends away from his family.

A couple (even a handful) of weekends (each) per year, great, a change is as good as a rest and all that but a decent family man should be choosing to spend the vast majority of his leisure time with his family IMO.