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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

planning for future awkward politics WWYD

31 replies

ithoughtofitfirst · 22/07/2014 22:24

OK bit of back story for anyone who doesn't recognise my cheeky annoying yoda face Grin

'orrible MIL
Gone NC
Husband still takes toddler to see her weekly
Bun in the oven

Ok so all going really well. No contact working out fabulous for me and my mending self esteem. In about 12 weeks though... a baby will be here.

I am thinking of (not just because of the current situation but) having a strictly no visitors in hospital apart from ds and dh for however long I'm in for then letting my family come visit me at home once I've settled back in and then letting dh take the baby to MILs for say... an hour. More or less the same day if we can wangle it.

It's a horrible situation to be in but I don't want her to feel like the last person to see her new grandchild because I've decided I can't stand being around her anymore.

Does that sound like a plan? WWYD?

I want to be fair but I definitely can't go there.

OP posts:
bellarations · 22/07/2014 22:27

Let your husband sort it, you are nc??

Original poster
ithoughtofitfirst · 22/07/2014 22:32

Yes....NC means no contact right?!

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 22/07/2014 23:09

Could he drop u home and take baby straight round to see mil when u leave hospital.. You can have a rest, she gets to see the baby first, problem solved. Rest of tje family can arrive the next day.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/07/2014 23:15

I wouldn't give it a moments worry. When everyone is comfortable and happy, he can take the baby then. No need to think about whose first or last.

She can hardly complain if he brings the baby around.

HauntedNoddyCar · 22/07/2014 23:23

Sounds fine.

If you really want to rule out any fuss then on the day your parents are due to arrive, DH takes baby round for brief visit but then has to come home ON TIME for their arrival.

That way she gets short first visit and would be churlish to moan. And your DH has 'but you were first' when she does moan.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 23/07/2014 02:58

Wow I think you're being either incredibly nice or incredibly crazy, or both!

Are you really going to be ok with your new born baby being taken away to someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart... An hours old new born?!

Is she rally going to behave well about this? Or are you letting her get into a massive position of power to upset you. By stalling returning the baby to you she could cause you intense pain - remember how raw that feeling of connection is? It's a real instinctive and visceral connection, and I'd not be letting someone get in the way of me bonding with my own baby, or impeding start of breast feeding etc.

I have no idea what your mil is like, or what your dh is like in terms of the complex family dynamics at work... So maybe I'm scaremongering.

But if she's anything like the stories I've read on here that lead people to go nc, I'd be careful to protect yourself & your immediate family first.

FrankSaysNo · 23/07/2014 05:27

The baby will be with its father. Don't be so melodramatic Miscellaneous

Wishfulmakeupping · 23/07/2014 05:39

I agree with some of what Miscellaneous said.
Would you feel ok about your dh taking baby to visit her on the first day? How far away does she live?
Would her coming to your house but you being 'busy' resting/having a bath etc be an option?

Original poster
ithoughtofitfirst · 23/07/2014 07:52

She lives about 10 mins away and about 2 mins from the hospital.

How much do people do people really expect a newborn visit to last? An hour tops?

I'm not that happy about it but what can you do.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 23/07/2014 07:59

No visitors in the hospital is fine. Normal stuff.

For the MILs first meeting with the baby i'd be led by DH. How desperate is he to rush round there? What is the rush anyway? My DM and PIL didn't see DD till apx day 4. That was soon enough!

I wouldn't make any firm plans yet tbh. You may feel entirely different on day 1 out of the hospital than you expect to/did last time.

Familyguyfan · 23/07/2014 08:00

I have to be honest, and will be shot down for this I'm sure, but my family comes as a unit. You take all of us or none of us!

I don't say this out of ignorance. My grandmother is the devil and my parents have been nc for years. When my mother was drinking and my father was a nightmare I finally reached the end of my tether and cut contact for months. Luckily things improved but I have been there so to speak.

If either my mil or my mum had a problem with myself or my husband (and we weren't being arses!) then I'm afraid my children would not be visiting. As the grandchild of a narcissistic grandparent it served no purpose when my father desperately tried to build a relationship between me (as a small child) and a woman who didn't care about him and hated my mother.

As I say, I might well be shot down, but my children wouldn't be visiting. Permanently.

fluffyraggies · 23/07/2014 08:01

If you're trying to establish BFing an hour is a long time for a day old baby and mum.

tobeabat · 23/07/2014 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/07/2014 08:07

I don't see the hurry frankly- she will have to wait until everyone is settled- that might be day one, it might be day 6.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/07/2014 08:09

If you work from the assumption that in her eyes everything you do is wrong then you will realise that bending over backwards for her is pointless.

Original poster
ithoughtofitfirst · 23/07/2014 08:12

I'm glad no visitors in hospital is normal. Last time my db and his partner swanned in only moments after I'd delivered the placenta. I just want to chill with my husband with no make up on and watch crap on tv cuddling my ds and the baby.

I've thought about stopping her from seeing ds so many times but they have a lovely relationship and plus my fil is so lovely with him and they still have a son at home. It's awkward to say the least.

OP posts:
tobeabat · 23/07/2014 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ithoughtofitfirst · 23/07/2014 08:15

It is true... whatever I do will be wrong!

So true about breastfeeding. My boobs will explode if the baby is away too long

OP posts:
Original poster
ithoughtofitfirst · 23/07/2014 08:18

He has said that he won't let me get stressed out and will 'take care of it'... i will stress whatever I do though

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 23/07/2014 08:20

Can I be nosey what are the issues between you both has she treated you badly or do you just not mesh well?

Ronmione · 23/07/2014 08:22

I think it sound very nice, and what you have planned initially works well.

Wishfulmakeupping · 23/07/2014 08:22

Re- read your first post and I take it she's been quite nasty to you over the years. Has this ever been tackled by DH? Would she ever criticise you to your DCs?
Agree with the posters about her waiting a few days

fluffyraggies · 23/07/2014 08:25

There's a good chance that for that first week you'll be so tired/happy/sore/disorganised/busy/high on adrenaline that you wont give a fuck be thinking too much about the ongoing situation with MIL. Things will hopefully follow a natural path, DH will nip round with baby for a few moments one day and that will be that for a few days more.

You'll have a brand new little person in your arms to love and worry about instead GrinFlowers

Original poster
ithoughtofitfirst · 23/07/2014 08:30

wishful just the usual nonsense ie constant criticism, snidey remarks, guilt trips when things don't go her way, tells me what to do and undermines my parenting. And then the downright nasty shit commenting on my weight, how I'm not making any effort to be glamorous/attractive. Last time I was admitted to a mother and baby unit cause I had puerperal psychosis and she just laughed in my face and said 'oh dear, being a mother isn't what you thought it would be is it, ithought ?'

I could go on.

OP posts:
Lala83 · 23/07/2014 08:32

I would let Dh take baby, on the proviso they are back in say 40 mins or if baby starts rooting (sp?) for milk and have him promise to answer phone if you feel it needs to be sooner. It's going to be a bit stressy though so wait until you're ready and not promise anything to dh yet until the day arrives.