planning for future awkward politics WWYD

[ithoughtofitfirst]

OK bit of back story for anyone who doesn't recognise my cheeky annoying yoda face

'orrible MIL
Gone NC
Husband still takes toddler to see her weekly
Bun in the oven

Ok so all going really well. No contact working out fabulous for me and my mending self esteem. In about 12 weeks though... a baby will be here.

I am thinking of (not just because of the current situation but) having a strictly no visitors in hospital apart from ds and dh for however long I'm in for then letting my family come visit me at home once I've settled back in and then letting dh take the baby to MILs for say... an hour. More or less the same day if we can wangle it.

It's a horrible situation to be in but I don't want her to feel like the last person to see her new grandchild because I've decided I can't stand being around her anymore.

Does that sound like a plan? WWYD?

I want to be fair but I definitely can't go there.

As I said I don't know your situation, but i frequently read situations where the dh does not adequately protect his wife/ partner, and that's when a plan like this can go horribly wrong.

I wouldn't want the OP to walk into a situation where the only person suffering will be her. If her dh is nice but falls in with whatever damaging family dynamic he grew up with, leaving the wife to deal with an awful situation.

I remember how fragile I was in the days after ds birth, and how I started to panic if someone wouldn't give ds back to me when he needed me. And i didnt feel like that about people who were just normal visitors, I'm thinking particularly of my unpleasant mother who has a history of being very cruel to me. I felt powerless and really freaked out when my breasts hurt and my body yearned to hold ds when he cried and I knew he needed feeding, not someone walking off and refusing to give him back. (weirdly she then would throw hysterics as she decided Ds didn't like her, and that was all my fault, as he wouldnt be soothed until he was given back to me in disgust).

OP, it really depends on what situation you're in. Make sure that whatever you do you are protecting yourself.

Thanks miscellaneous I will be very careful. Luckily I've got a couple of months to come up with the best plan. I think that no visitors in hospital is probably best and then start scheduling people in to come visit us at home in order of how closely related they are is the best way.

Last time I let people knacker me out and really didn't like the amount of people who rocked up to see the baby in visiting hours. I found it really annoying to be honest.

If your DH is saying he wants to make sure you aren't stressed out I would take him at his word. See how you feel after the birth and when you are ready for him to take the baby out for 40 minutes or so, let him do it (with caveats about the length of time/contact by phone). Don't promise or guarantee anything now. If there is a cafe or something close to your home, she could come there, perhaps.

"It's a horrible situation to be in but I don't want her to feel like the last person to see her new grandchild because I've decided I can't stand being around her anymore."

If she is the last person to see her grandchild it isn't because you have randomly decided to deny her access. It is because of her own past behaviour to you, the mother of her grandchildren, including during a time of serious stress post-partum. She chose to value being horrible and unpleasant over having a relationship with you and this is the consequence. It isn't your problem and you are doing the absolute right thing in valuing your own well-being over hers, for your kids' sake as well as your own.

Thanks ribbity you're right. I shouldn't really give a rat's arse how she feels considering what a horrible person she's been to me.

When I first posted about her someone pointed out about being in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) with toxic people. I definitely feel all three of those things most of the time. I really wish I knew how to break free from it.

I can't imagine anything worse for mother or baby to be apart from one another for so long. And for what? Stand up for yourself and your baby. If you've been treated badly enough to be NC, they can't see baby until they behave better.

I know it does seem a bit sad :( I am gutted it's come to that. It's the last thing I want really.