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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling a bit hurt by my mum?

27 replies

Knackeredmum13 · 07/07/2014 16:36

I probably am so best I vent on here than at her.

When I got married my mums side of the family did not come to my wedding. One family group told me that they would be there but never showed up. We wasted money on food for them etc. I've never had an explanation or apology from any of them. They have just carried on as though nothing happened. I've not seen them since either as the family only gets together rarely.

One of these non attendees is getting married and has sent out invitations. I have no intention of going. My mum has just told me that she is thinking of attending. I'm feeling really hurt and let down by it. She knows how upset I was at my wedding when it dawned on me that people were not going to turn up. It feels disloyal of her to tell the truth.

I've supported her through a tough time the past year, none of these family members have bothered with her. She doesn't see or hear from most if her family for years at a time. So I'm not really sure why she is considering going really.

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 07/07/2014 16:39

Have you been invited to the wedding?

Greyhound · 07/07/2014 16:40

I think you should let it go. Be the bigger person. By all means, boycott the wedding (I don't blame you and had similar annoyances at my own wedding) but let your mum go. Don't use the wedding as an opportunity to air your grievances about the rude people who didn't show up at your wedding.

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 07/07/2014 16:44

Yes I've been invited but I won't be going.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 07/07/2014 16:46

Are you going to accept and then not turn up? Wink

I'm sure it's tempting, although a simple decline would give you the moral high ground. Grin

Hurr1cane · 07/07/2014 16:47

You are being unreasonable. You probably know you are being, but I know how you feel going through something similar in the past (mums side were horrible about my DS because of his disabilities)

So... How dare she. No one should turn up to their wedding Wink

I would try to let it go though.

Do you think there was a reason they didn't come or were they just being thoughtless?

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 07/07/2014 16:49

No I'm just going to ignore it. Bad manners I know but I can't be bothered with them. I had to chase them to respond to my invitation and then they just didn't show up. Despite me having told them that I needed to know who was coming for catering.

Yes I'm still bitter ;)

OP posts:
summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 07/07/2014 16:51

By all means don't accept your invitation - I certainly wouldn't.

But let you mum go if she wants. There may be other family members there she wants to see, and maybe she wants some answers. It must have been very hard on her.

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 07/07/2014 16:52

I've no idea why they didn't come. Not one of them had the decency to even send an email to explain. They just didn't show up.

I was and am angry about it. But on the day itself I was upset.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 07/07/2014 16:53

I would be hurt too op.

Yanbu but it's up to your mum and she may have her own motivations.

I'd be ignoring the invite completely as well.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/07/2014 16:53

Though part of me would want to turn up and make them all feel really awkward Grin

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 07/07/2014 16:54

Oh and my mum won't be asking them why they didn't show up at my wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 07/07/2014 16:57

I don't think they'd feel awkward, I don't think it would bother them. I'm actually surprised they've had the gall to invite me.

Though part of me is hoping that my cousin realises how crap it was now that she is getting married herself. From Facebook you'd think she was the first person to ever get married and we have constant updates on every detail. So maybe now she may feel bad. But if she does it's not been communicated.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 07/07/2014 17:03

Why are you still Facebook friends with these people?

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/07/2014 17:05

Oh in that case definitely ignore it!

NewtRipley · 07/07/2014 17:13

It was your wedding, not your mum's and your mum must be allowed ot have her own relationships with these people and negotiate how she feels about them. Doing a tit for tat, on your behalf would be childish, though I completely undertsand why you don't want to go yourself.

NewtRipley · 07/07/2014 17:17

I wonder if your mum is not as assertive as you are. Judging by what you say in your later post, Maybe she is still wanting to please people who have hurt her. They are presumably her borthers and sisters? Closer relations to her than they are to you? So maybe harder for her to let go of them.

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2014 17:26

I totally understand were your coming from, I've fallen out with my Aunt.

If she married again (wouldn't happen) and my Mum was going to attend, I would disown her and tell her to get my Aunt to take her out in her Wheelchair. The argument was bigger than a non attendance of a wedding (as bad as that was), though.

As irrational as I know that is, even as an adult you want that loyalty from your Mum, especially as you have supported her, when they haven't.

I speak also as a Mum of adult children, who would side with them, in a situation such as this.

YANBU to feel really hurt.

JustSpeakSense · 07/07/2014 17:36

For your own sake try to let it go, this really sounds like it's eating you up inside.

These people are rude and have no etiquette - it is not about you, they probably piss people off ALL the time with their bad manners and uncaring ways.

I would reply to the invite as it's the correct thing to do (don't sink to their level)

Try to forgive your mum for going, I know it feels disloyal, but again, it's not about you!

Pumpkinpositive · 07/07/2014 18:09

Maybe your mum intends to accept invite and then accidently-on-purpose "forget" to show up on the Anointed One's big day? Wink

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/07/2014 18:11

Thats a really shitty thing they did Sad

DenyDenyDeny · 07/07/2014 18:16

Have you ever said to your mum

"why didnt you come to my wedding?"

If so, what did she say?

And if not, why havent you asked?

DenyDenyDeny · 07/07/2014 18:17

(YANBU by the way, Id be beyond gutted too)

DurhamDurham · 07/07/2014 18:18

I think if I was in your shoes I wouldn't go either. However I think it's entirely up to your mum if she goes. She might benefit from a day and evening out at someone else's expense!
Not doing yourself is fine, however canvassing other people not to go is a tad mean.

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 07/07/2014 18:20

Deny- my mum did come to my wedding, you've got the wrong end if the stick. It was members of her side of the family that didn't. Quite a few.

I spoke to her and it hadn't even crossed her mind to not go out of loyalty to me, or to not turn up etc. she was only worried about something concerning her.

I think the reason that this has annoyed me is because it has dredged up lots of stuff from the past where my mum has been disloyal to me.

OP posts:
RedRoom · 07/07/2014 18:25

Is there not even the smallest chance that they wrote a note that got lost in the post? If no one has ever raised their absence with them and properly established that they really did just not bother to turn up, then you can't be 100% certain that this js what happened!

A couple came to my wedding and emailed me after asking for my address, telling me that they were posting a gift. It never came. I've never mentioned it in case it seemed grabby, but I always wonder if they are thinking that I rudely never said thank you. I'd encourage you to not do what I did, and double check! Can a relative mention it casually in passing?

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