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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more than this from a friend?

31 replies

CeliaFate · 26/06/2014 21:21

Last year my friend's husband had an affair - brief, but devastating. She offloaded onto me, naturally. I listened, gave advice when asked, was there for her when she needed me.
Tonight I've sent her a message about an issue that's really worrying me. She replied "oh dear, hugs."
I know she may be busy, couldn't reply straightaway etc. but this was an hour ago and she's been active on Facebook since.
AIBU to expect more than that?

OP posts:
Laquitar · 26/06/2014 21:27

No you are not :-(

I was thinking that maybe it was bad time for her but she was on facebook hmm

I am sorry, this sucks. (flowers)

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/06/2014 21:29

Was she flaky and 'me, me, me' before the affair and her need to use you as her crutch, how close are you?

It's upsetting when the goodwill and sympathy isnt reciprocated, I'd feel upset snd annoyed.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 26/06/2014 21:43

She is flaky, I suppose I've never called on her for emotional support before. We're very close, which is why it's so hurtful. I seem to always be the shoulder for everyone else to cry on!

OP posts:
BeCool · 26/06/2014 21:47

If you want to talk about something important, why not call her?

I think it's weird to send a message like that when you want to talk. You want to talk, but expect her to read your mind And respond with a call.

She might be knackered and not feel like calling any one. Doesn't mean she wouldn't take your call and support you.

Call her instead of analysing how she is and what she is or isn't doing and feeling via her online behaviour.

BeCool · 26/06/2014 21:49

You are taking a very passive approach and getting upset when your needs aren't met.

Try being a little more direct?

DoJo · 26/06/2014 21:49

I suppose it does depend somewhat on the issue - if it's something that wouldn't bother her, or conversely something that has hit a nerve with her, then I can understand her feeling as though she isn't best-placed to offer more than a brief response.

Also, when you say she's been 'active' on FB, do you mean that she's actually posting stuff, or just that she's logged on?

Original poster
CeliaFate · 26/06/2014 21:51

She's posting stuff. I deliberately didn't call in case I bothered her and she didn't have time to talk, as she gets in about 6.
It's just the sort of generic "there, there" type of response that upset me.
If that was me, I'd have replied, "You sound upset, let's meet on x for lunch. Can't talk now, sorry, but thinking of you." Her response was something I'd reply online to someone I didn't know well.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 26/06/2014 21:54

One thing I've learnt is that friends are so used to me being strong and solid for them that they feel I'm more than capable of looking after myself and don't feel able to support me better than they perceive I can do for myself.

I've learnt to be forthright, I NEED to offload, I NEED to talk, I NEED YOU!

Hissy · 26/06/2014 21:59

Is it possible that your worry is merely that, andd nothing like the devastation she has been through therefore she can't see why you're upset/concerned about it?

The more we endure, the more we can endure. Perhaps she can't identify with your issues because she's been through a lot worse?

I do understand what you feel, it's crap. I've been disappointed myself with friends not even bothering to ask if i'm ok about xy or z, when it would have cost nothing to take the time to ask if I needed help.

DottyDooRidesAgain · 26/06/2014 22:15

I've learnt to be forthright, I NEED to offload, I NEED to talk, I NEED YOU!

^This

You are in tune with people and the first to offer support. This doesn't mean everyone else is.
I am like you always there for my friends and rarely called on them for support as I didn't want to bother them. However I used to get really upset when they never offered or seemed disinterested.

I broke down in front of my closest friend one day and it all came out. She basically said that they all see me a strong and capable. I rarely seem to have shit going on in my life and never appear like I'm not coping. Unlike me they are not mind readers and if I need support then I need to tell them so.

Since then (a few years ago) my friends have been great. I had a crap work situation last year and I told them I needed help. They took me away for the weekend, telephoned me everyday after work and sent funny/supportive texts during the day to keep me going.
Speak up OP. Smile

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/06/2014 22:24

Just because someone is posting on facebook does not mean they are near to a phone!

FloozeyLoozey · 26/06/2014 22:27

What's the issue op? It's hard to judge which of you are being unreasonable without knowing.

Joysmum · 26/06/2014 23:34

Just because someone is posting on facebook does not mean they are near to a phone!

I'd make sure I was, if I had time to Facebook then I sure as hell have time to call someone.

NoodleOodle · 27/06/2014 01:50

Some friends seem to be emotional vampires.

SquigglySquid · 27/06/2014 05:27

Well, if someone sent me a text, I'm not sure I'd be able to really figure out how upset they truly were. Texts are for casual nonchalant communicating, not serious discussions. But it depends on what you were talking about.

Yes, if my friends told me what they needed when they were upset I'd do it for them. But for the most part I go the distraction route and take them out to get their mind off it. I'm not really a glass of wine until 2:00am talking and dissecting a situation kind of person. So unless someone tells me otherwise I default to that.

ViviPru · 27/06/2014 07:15

friends are so used to me being strong and solid for them that they feel I'm more than capable of looking after myself and don't feel able to support me better than they perceive I can do for myself.

Bloody hell, ditto. I'm grateful for a supportive DH, as my friends, while lovely, are generally pretty useless if I ever need a shoulder.

Helpys · 27/06/2014 07:20

What did your original text say?

Original poster
CeliaFate · 27/06/2014 07:32

It was about an issue I'm having with ds (I've got a thread in chat about it). I wrote a fairly long message, saying how worried I am, how it's upsetting me and I can't sleep. She has children, so it's not like she couldn't empathise.
Oh well, you live and learn I guess and find out who your friends are when you need them.

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 27/06/2014 07:35

I know this situation.

Last year I needed someone to come help me look after my (then) one year old because I was very unwell. ALL of my close friends said no for various reasons. I never ask for help anymore no matter how desperate I am. I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of saying no to me.

people are incredibly selfish.

SelectASweetBreadTwist · 27/06/2014 07:40

I've learned that a tactic that works is sending a message along the lines of "can we meet for lunch (coffee, tomorrow evening, whatever) - I've got some crap going on that I'd value your perspective on and it's not really stuff for text/FB".

If she says "sorry, busy" then you know she's take and no give. If she can't but offers to rearrange ASAP, or can't but rings you instead, then so much the better.

You're being quite quick to write her off on the back of a reply to one text, OP (and at least she did reply / acknowledge, even if it wasn't the indepth response you hoped for) so I'd give her one more chance at responding to a more direct appeal.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 27/06/2014 07:43

That's a good idea SelectASweetBreadTwist I'll try that.

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 27/06/2014 07:45

You need to be more direct.

Depending on how you worded your first message it's possible that the issue wasn't taken as seriously as you intended it to be.

Next time, just pick up the phone and call her.

daisychain01 · 27/06/2014 07:49

celia I'd say 80% of the time I take efforts to move into my friends' emotional space, understand their way of thinking when they have worries or concerns and rarely do they reciprocate.

I have given up expecting it, not because they aren't good friends but I rarely ever lean on friends for emotional support mainly because I have been disappointed in the past. Sad, but that's how I cope! I have some lovely friends but I expect a limited amount of real emotional support. I am lucky to have a supportive DM - she's the same with her friends!

I'll toddle off to Chat and have a read of your other post Smile

Original poster
CeliaFate · 27/06/2014 08:06

Thanks, it's here if you can't find it.

OP posts:
casparthecat · 27/06/2014 08:20

I totally understand!

I always seem to be there for everyone. When I have tried to share my problems friends either take a step back or minimise the issue ("Yes, but you've only had your foot amputated. It's hardly life threatening, is it?"). I think most people see me as support but not someone to support. Thankfully I have a lovely DH.

She could have just been having a bad day but relationships are two way things so if you're not getting what you want then I'd withdraw a bit. I think people can and do take other people for granted.