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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and upset at dh.

30 replies

Imsuchamess · 17/06/2014 12:19

I have always been a size 8 (baring pg) but since I started anti psychs I have gone up to a 12-14.

I was very nervous about starting them because of weight gain and my dh promised and reassured me it didn't matter.

I am in recovery from a psychotic episode and focusing my energy on getting the house up to scratch and getting my mental health in a stronger place.

Dh keeps on suggesting I go on a diet and start my x trainer again. Or making comments about my weight. I find this upsetting as right now I am feeling down about my weight but I have more important things to worry about right now.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 17/06/2014 12:26

I think it depends on the spirit in which they were made (which may be difficult for you to judge right now).

If he knows you are unhappy about your weight, he could be saying them in what is intended to be a supportive manner? I'd suggest that being happy about your self IS your most important thing to worry about right now.

AnyFucker · 17/06/2014 12:26

So your husband is actively trying to sabotage your recovery. Why would he do that ? As well as that, is he helping you "get the house up to scratch" or is he setting you up to fail in that too ?

BolshierAyraStark · 17/06/2014 12:34

How very supportive of him...Hmm

Me? I'd tell him to stfu.

redskyatnight · 17/06/2014 12:39

There is a difference between

OP - Urgh, I'm feeling really down about my weight atm.
DH - why don't you set aside some regular time on your x-trainer -you always used to enjoy that, it might help you tone up and feel better about yourself.

and

OP - Urgh, I'm feeling down about my weight atm
DH - yes, you're right, you are turning into an ugly blob

Obviously the 2nd is plain nasty, but I'm not sure a person recovering form a psychotic episode can necessarily judge the supportiveness or otherwise of a more subtle remark.

(my experience with a bi-polar friend is that she had periods of construing the most innocent remark as "having a go at her". )

Tiptops · 17/06/2014 12:45

How patronising to suggest the OP can't judge the tone in which these comments were made Hmm

OP of course YANBU to be hurt and upset by his comments. There is no excuse for this, he is knocking your confidence and self-esteem at a time when you most need to be supported. Please make it clear to him in no uncertain manner that you do not expect to hear a single remark about your weight from him ever again unless it is a conversation you choose to open.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 17/06/2014 13:04

He is helping out with the house.

A example of a comment is I was looking in the mirror before going out I was dressed up nicely had made a effort. I looked in the mirror and said "even though I have gained weight I don't look bad" he replied with "you looked a lot healthier and better before"

I was sat in the room the other day hadn't mentioned weight when he said "it would be a good idea to start up the x trainer again soon"

He said the other day that " as my medication can cause diabetes I should focus on getting my weight under control"

I once wanted a second bar of chocolate and he physically stood in the way of the kitchen door refusing to let me past. Saying " I thought you wanted to lose weight, you have the control of a child"

OP posts:
rinabean · 17/06/2014 13:14

I looked in the mirror and said "even though I have gained weight I don't look bad" he replied with "you looked a lot healthier and better before"

Omg! That's disgusting. And physically preventing you from eating your own food? Oh my god. This is abuse.

APlaceInTheSummer · 17/06/2014 13:14

Until your last post, I was thinking he was trying to be supportive by encouraging you to do something you previously enjoyed (exercising) and by helping you to address the concerns about weight gain that you had prior to starting the medication.

However, that all changed when he said you had the control of a child.

If you feel up to it then tell him that his comments are upsetting and you'd rather he didn't comment on your weight. If you feel unable to do that then perhaps ask a friend or relative to talk to him about it.

rinabean · 17/06/2014 13:24

For the record I'm also on meds that can cause diabetes. I am a hell of a lot bigger than you too. Guess what, my doctors don't care. And my husband is actually supportive, as in supporting me in what I want to do for my health and never deliberately upsetting me and apologising if he accidentally upsets me. The last time he physically restrained me from anything was the last time I tried to kill myself.

Your husband's concern is not about your health. You have a serious mental illness and he knows damn well the difference between killing yourself and "eating a 2nd chocolate bar, which might cause weight gain, which might with the meds increase chance of diabetes, which might make you die sooner than you would have". He cares about your weight because of your appearance. That's why he said what he did when you said you looked okay. He is controlling and spiteful and would be more okay with a miserable wife, or a dead wife, than a size 14 wife. He is not being supportive and you are not misinterpreting what is going on here.

JJXM · 17/06/2014 14:00

I've been on anti-psychotics for ten years and they have changed my life for the better. Before I was on them, I was a size 6 and at my heaviest a size 18 - I almost doubled in weight. But my DH doesn't care about my weight because it's much more important to him that I'm not in hospital or unable to look after our children or so anxious I can't leave the house. Your DH is either being a nob or very clumsy.

As I've become used to the meds (and ate less) my weight has come off and I'm now a size 12 and keeping going. If you are on the AP beginning with O then it is notorious for weight gain and you might want to change on to something else.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2014 14:24

Yanbu at all, he knows you are sensitive about your weight so should not mention it at all! Actually He sounds really awful, reading your other posts, he should have told you how lovely you looked.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 17/06/2014 14:24

Jjxm I am having to change back to olanzapine (changed off for weight gain) as my current medication is not working. I have decided my mental health is more important than my weight and I am optionally changing back to olanzapine ( which is the med bad for diabetes) on the 1st July.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2014 14:25

Is this someone you want to be with, he sounds emotionally abusive, he knows your vulnerable, he is being bloody nasty.

mawbroon · 17/06/2014 14:37

Sympathies. I changed anti psychotic meds after a second episode last year and although the meds work well, the sugar cravings were so powerful. I put on over 3 stones in 4 months.

You will be able to deal with it when you feel mentally strong enough but like you said in your OP, you have far more important things to worry about at the moment.

How were things with your DH before you became ill? Was he generally supportive or has he always put you down like this?

Making the effort to look nice is a big achievement on it's own when you are unwell. I suffered post psychotic depression after each episode and could barely get out of my PJs.

So, as well as telling yourself you "don't look bad" , tell yourself how well you are doing making progress in the house and keeping yourself well.

KoalaFace · 17/06/2014 14:40

YANBU Sad

I'm sorry you've got this to cope with on top of your recovery.

How is your relationship generally? Is this unusual behaviour from him? Do you feel confident enough to tell him to pack it in and explain how much he is hurting your feelings?

KoalaFace · 17/06/2014 14:42

X-Post with Mawbroon who covered my questions!

TickleMePurple · 17/06/2014 14:43

You sound so strong OP. You're right that your mental health is more important than your weight gain, and your husband is being not only unsupportive but downright nasty. Have it out with him (or ltb!). All the best with your recovery.

PrincessBabyCat · 17/06/2014 14:54

He sounds lovely. I'd be shoving that candy bar right up his ass.

I gained weight with AD's, and that was the last thing my DH cared about. Until I told him I wanted to eat healthy, and then he stopped bring home cookies and icecream all the time to cheer me up.

Yes, how was he before this? Are you ever critical of anything he does?

Either way, I'd tell him how it is and how he's going to stop treating you like a child.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 17/06/2014 14:56

Yeah I am no victim. I am a very strong lady I feel quite confidant having this out with him. He is not like this in any other way. Our relationship is damn near perfect otherwise.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2014 15:03

Good on you imsuch, you certainly are Flowers. You said your relationship is near perfect, however him being nasty to you is a big red flag. The constant grounding down would be very hard on someone without the struggles you face let alone someone with MH problems. It may even impede your recovery. I would tell him how this makes you feel, and tell him to stop, if it carries on I would seriously think of a life without him in it!

YouTheCat · 17/06/2014 15:13

So, how's his weight? Is he some kind of Adonis?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/06/2014 15:18

It's really sad that he's not supporting you. I think it's worth telling him that you're finding his approach upsetting, unhelpful and counter productive. That ought to be obvious but maybe give him the benefit of the doubt (in case he's being thick).

OxfordBags · 17/06/2014 15:20

There is no such thing as 'near-perfect' if there is a big but, or otherwise anywhere. The concept of what a victim is is bullshit - the majority of abuse victims are actually very strong-willed and feisty, that's what gives abusers such a kick out of breaking them.

Now, I'm not saying he is an abuser, but he is certainly an arsehole. That your weight and appearance matter so much to him is really annoying. You don't exist as some sort of shiny toy for him to enjoy looking at, or having sex with. That he seems to be conditional in not just his attraction to you, but his basic acceptance of your appearance is really shitty and NOT the attitude of a 'near-perfect' man, but an immature, thoughtless, self-centred sexist. He seems more concerned about the labels in your clothes than the pain within your very self. That's a long way from perfect, my dear.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2014 15:26

I agree oxford

Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2014 15:29

It seems as though he is using your vulnerability to be nasty and to knock you down. Tge horrid thing is, he knows you have been ill and yet he says those nasty things to you. You do need to tell him that his behaviour is nasty and unacceptable and see how it goes.

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