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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DH to attend?

40 replies

caeleth84 · 17/06/2014 09:49

We're invited to the christening/naming ceremony of our friends' son on a Sunday in July.

Not sure quite what the equivalent is in the UK, but probably godparents? As in picked by us and affirmed in church to especially follow up DS throughout his upbringing..

So she's his godparent (or whatever), my best friend, and a single parent. DH knows her well and they get along. She doesn't have a lot of support, or money, and this is a big deal for her. We didn't have any plans for that weekend and have accepted the invitation.

Yesterday he got an invitation to go to his friends' annual tennis tournament and party in Denmark the same weekend. They'll play tennis on Saturday and party all night. He obviously wants to go to the weekend, which is understandable as he doesn't see his Danish friends very often.

However, it's a really important event for DS' godparent, and I feel like it's our duty to be there for her since she's obviously committed to being there for DS for the next 18 years or so...

So I've suggested a compromise. He goes to Denmark, but leaves early on Sunday so he'll make it home in time. He can take a day off work and go on Thursday if he wants to, to make up for the few lost hours on Sunday. The big difference will be that he can't get as plastered on Saturday as he probably would otherwise, and he'd obviously be tired on Sunday from travelling early. It's not ideal, but it is a way for him to make it to both events.

He doesn't want to, because he doesn't want to go to the christening. The weekend in Denmark is more fun and he wants to do that. If he can't do the full weekend he doesn't want to go to either event, so he'll just stay home and sulk.

AIBU to think the compromise is a good (but not ideal) solution so that he can do the fun stuff but still join the christening? Sometimes doing what's right for the family trumps doing what's fun, surely?

OP posts:
WaitMonkey · 17/06/2014 09:57

He is being selfish. He needs to to the naming thing as he accepted that first.

PurplePunkPrincess · 17/06/2014 09:57

If I was your dh I would hate to have to do both, but equally I wouldn't complain and just accept that I would have to miss the fun weekend or see if his friends could change the weekend, or plan another one a few weeks later even if he had to miss the tennis.

He should go to the christening, and you should try and be sympathetic. Do you get fun weekends off as well? If not, you should be too!

StanleyLambchop · 17/06/2014 09:59

Personally I think if he has already committed to the Christening, it would be very rude to back out because he has a better offer. Therefore he either has to miss his weekend in Denmark, or compromise as you suggest. Sulking is not really an appropriate response once you are over 6!

FreeSpirit89 · 17/06/2014 09:59

He is BU and a twat.

Part of being an adult is compromising, yes it's not ideal but it's what part of life.

Also if he can't go to the Whole weekend he's not going to either is childish and pathetic.

Eatriskier · 17/06/2014 09:59

I think yabvr. You seem to have come to a very good compromise that means you both get your way and he's just sulking. If my dh pulled that crap I'd say fine, don't come to the christening but you ain't going to Denmark either if you can't act like a reasonable adult Wink

Though we have a family rule of whatever has been agreed to first sticks unless it's something majorly important and a compromise like this cannot be reached.

CoffeeTea103 · 17/06/2014 10:03

I think you have a good solution but not sure how pleasant it will be for your DH to pitch up with a face on.
It's great that you want to support your friend.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 17/06/2014 10:03

It's your friend not his. It's only important because you say so. Hardly best for the family then? Just best for you.

Yabu. He should go to Denmark.

Ginocchio · 17/06/2014 10:04

He'll stay at home & sulk? Really? He needs to grow up. If it's an annual event, he'll be able to go next year - whereas the naming ceremony is a one-off.

noneofyours · 17/06/2014 10:06

Your compromise is good, OP. He's being selfish, not honouring prior commitments and not thinking that this could upset you friend. He'd be choosing a party (which sounds awesome) over a privilege he was happy to accept before said party came along. He's also not thinking how embarrassed you would be to try and make excuses and how it could case tension between your friend and yourself.

He should go with your compromise, it's not great but he gets to do it all this way.

PestoSurfissimos · 17/06/2014 10:06

I can't believe that he thinks he can not go the christening now that a 'better' offer has come up.

Your solution sounds doable & if he's not happy with that then he ought to suggest that the Danish weekend is either changed or repeated at a later date so that he can participate fully.

Hope he sees sense soon!

OddFodd · 17/06/2014 10:07

But you were both invited and accepted the invitation and your DH is now saying that if he can't ditch the naming ceremony and accept the second, better offer, he won't go to either?

Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Crinkle77 · 17/06/2014 10:08

I am with Minnie on this.

Ginocchio · 17/06/2014 10:09

Minnie she's also his son's godparent, not just a friend of the OP.

Even though - frankly - there should have been no need to do so, OP's offered a perfectly reasonable compromise, which only requires not getting too wasted on the Saturday. He really is being a child if he can't accept that.

bleedingheart · 17/06/2014 10:09

If the friend is also the godparent of his son then its more than just the OP's friend isn't it?

He's being a dick. Sulking is one of the least attractive personality traits a grown man can have.

bleedingheart · 17/06/2014 10:10

X-post with Ginocchio.

Ginocchio · 17/06/2014 10:11

OP if he doesn't go to the ceremony, make sure that he's the one to phone your friend to explain why. There's no reason why you should have to make excuses for his infantile behaviour.

StanleyLambchop · 17/06/2014 10:12

It's your friend not his. It's only important because you say so. Hardly best for the family then? Just best for you.

But he clearly felt he was a friend when he accepted the invitation in the first place. If he does not go he will leave the OP to explain his absence, for something which is only best for him. If he chops and changes his mind about accepting invites if he gets a better offer, then people will stop inviting him anywhere as he is unreliable. The crux of the matter is that the first invitation is already accepted. Very rude to back out now.

ilovesooty · 17/06/2014 10:14

Your compromise is reasonable but in any case he should honour the prior commitment. You accepted the christening invitation first and he should attend.

Original poster
caeleth84 · 17/06/2014 10:14

Thanks for the replies, I'm glad to see I'm not being completely unreasonable at least.

That really is the crux of the argument Ginocchio. He says that since it's MY friend, then he should be able to go and have fun with HIS friends. Whereas I think that since we BOTH chose the godparents for DS it is a FAMILY event and quite frankly our duty to go since we've already accepted the invitation.

He's tried to worm his way out of that too, but he was asked and accepted in person, so it's a little hard to claim he didn't know about it.

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 17/06/2014 10:15

So? I'm god parent too. My relationship to that child has feck all to do with dh. My choice to do. My enjoyment. Not really his responsibility.

Also, why because he misses this does it automatically means he hates the child/family/dw? The kid will have what? 35 Years and more hopefully of celebrations he can join in with and love it for. Missing this for the dh is irrelevant IMO.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 17/06/2014 10:19

He has aleady accepted a formal invitation.

Yes it is a family event.

He needs to remember his manners.

StanleyLambchop · 17/06/2014 10:22

The kid will have what? 35 Years and more hopefully of celebrations he can join in with and love it for.

And the DH will presumably have another opportunity to attend this ANNUAL tennis piss-up next year too.

Original poster
caeleth84 · 17/06/2014 10:24

Minnie, I'm not the godparent of her child. She's the godparent of ours. So imo he has some responsibility towards us/DS having a good relationship with her.

OP posts:
Callani · 17/06/2014 10:24

The relationships involved are neither here nor there - it's just incredibly rude to accept an invitation and then later change your mind because something better comes up.

bleedingheart · 17/06/2014 10:27

If he accepted that the friend be godparent to his DS then he can show up at her DC's naming ceremony. It is a family event.

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