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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this annoy you?

31 replies

Beaverfeaver2 · 13/06/2014 23:39

It's silly really but a member of the family is very wealthy, and hides it exceptionally well. Lives very frugally and comes across as quite tight for cash in the way they portray themselves.

My parents do not know just how wealthy they are and believe that they are struggling and give extra money/stuff and support to them.

It shouldn't upset me as it's up to my parents what to do with their money and who they choose to support.
But it has upset me recently when me and DH are putting off starting a family as we are struggling financially. I don't nessecarily want help and support, it just seems wrong for this other family member to be accepting of such stuff when they don't need it.

I know I'm being silly, it's just been playing on my mind and needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
choirmumoftwo · 13/06/2014 23:42

You could perhaps tell your parents that their financial help is misplaced, but you still shouldn't expect them to help you instead. That's up to them.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 23:43

The inequity of it would annoy for sure,but as you say up to parents
I suppose the question is,if parents knew they were prosperous would they still give
Sorry you're struggling it's hard when you have money worries

AgentZigzag · 13/06/2014 23:45

YANBU if you think your parents genuinely don't know how much cash this person has (are you sure they don't know? how do you know and they don't? why haven't you told them before now?) and you think they're being taken advantage of.

But YABU to link it to why you've decided to put off starting a family.

Aren't you more concerned about them being 'ripped off'?

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 13/06/2014 23:51

I don't think they are nessecarily being ripped off as such.

I think the way this family member is makes my parents think they are struggling and helps out accordingly to how they want to.
They can help and like to so that's fine.

I would be more upset if they were helping out where they couldn't afford to.

I though my parents knew how wealthy this person is, but found out today that they have no idea from something that they said to me which I know to be incorrect.

Maybe it's just jealousy on my part, which is horrible of me as i never thought I'd be like this.
Feeling ashamed about that.

It's not nessecarily the monetary help that I get upset about.
Today I saw my parents and one of their old prices of furniture that they have had for 20+ years was out and I commented how nice it looked.
They said that they had just got it restored and are giving it to this family member to help them as they wouldn't be able to afford to buy one themselves!
That was annoying.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 13/06/2014 23:53

But here the rub,you just have to get on with your thing.irrespective of what your folks do
Irrespective of how prosperous the family member Is

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2014 23:55

If they hide it well, how do you know this family member is wealthy?

Luggagecarousel · 13/06/2014 23:55

No, it wouldn't annoy me. it wouldn't be any of my business.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 13/06/2014 23:57

I never knew they were wealthy just like my parents didn't.
They happened to mention it to me very matter of factly last time I saw them.
It was strange as it's very unlike them to reveal financial info

OP posts:
wouldbemedic · 13/06/2014 23:57

Very annoying that would be! I have parents like this too. They get a kick out of being kind and generous. Nothing wrong with that of course.

I am obviously not as good a person as you, because I would have put your DM straight on the relative's financial situation. While recognising DPs still had every right to go ahead and give it anyway, I probably would have at least let it be known that I liked the piece and valued it. And no more.

wouldbemedic · 13/06/2014 23:58

That post was in reference to OP's post about the restored piece of furniture.

AgentZigzag · 13/06/2014 23:59

They are being ripped off if this person is portraying themselves as skint but then indicating to your parents somehow (hinting/asking outright?) that they need whatever it is they want the money for, when they know full well that they can afford it.

It's very underhand.

Loads of people play down how much money they've got, it's OK to complain about the price of eggs in a general conversation when you've got 10k in the bank, it's what the Brits people do.

But this person is regularly taking money from someone when they don't need to.

What is it that stopped you putting your parents right when they said something you knew to be wrong today?

EleanorHandbasket · 13/06/2014 23:59

That sounds very odd

Are you sure it's not a lie or a fantasy?

Is this an elderly relative or a sibling?

AgentZigzag · 14/06/2014 00:02

'They happened to mention it to me very matter of factly last time I saw them. It was strange as it's very unlike them to reveal financial info'

Maybe that was the flannel bit? They were telling you they've got loadsamoney when actually they're skint?

AgentZigzag · 14/06/2014 00:03

'Is this an elderly relative or a sibling?'

Those were the two I had in my head too.

From my experience of MN threads I've plumped for it being a sister Grin

WorraLiberty · 14/06/2014 00:04

What did they actually say?

I'm just wondering if you might have taken what they said the wrong way perhaps?

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 14/06/2014 00:04

Its a sibling

I didn't want to tell my parents as that seems like I am getting involved in business that's nothing to do with me.

Plus, as someone said further up friend, even if they knew, it may make no difference anyway as they like giving.

I have always been fine with it in the past as I was under the same impressions as my parents are.

I am a bit stubborn and proud myself and don't want to rely on parents when I am a grown woman in my 30's, so it makes no difference to me really.

I just got to get over myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 14/06/2014 00:05

Problem is, if this sibling is lying, it's a pretty big one as it turns out to be £££'s!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/06/2014 00:16

You're sending out mixed messages here.

On the one hand you're saying it makes no difference because you're a grown woman who is proud and don't want to rely on your parents

On the other hand you're saying you and your DH are putting off starting a family because you're struggling financially.

What were the actual words your sibling said, regarding their wealth?

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 14/06/2014 00:20

That's not mixed messages, it's exactly what I mean.

I want a family, but don't want to start until we are stable financially, and as a grown woman I don't want parental help to do so.

OP posts:
Fideliney · 14/06/2014 00:20

On the one hand you're saying it makes no difference because you're a grown woman who is proud and don't want to rely on your parents

On the other hand you're saying you and your DH are putting off starting a family because you're struggling financially.

Those two things don't contradict each other.

CorusKate · 14/06/2014 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 14/06/2014 00:21

'I didn't want to tell my parents as that seems like I am getting involved in business that's nothing to do with me.'

But you've lost the chance to do it today without looking as though you were getting involved when they said about the incorrect info. You could have asked them about it as though you may have misunderstood what you were told. That would look more legit than shit stirring to me.

Is it that you're upset with them being 'ripped off' (or whatever) or is it more to do with it seeming to be unfair because they don't volunteer to help you (even though you've said you'd prefer to stand on your own two feet)?

Are they supportive of you to compensate in other ways or is there an imbalance in how they treat you both as siblings? (and always has been?)

Fideliney · 14/06/2014 00:23

X post.

It is almost fraudulent for your sibling to accept money and valuable items under such false pretences.

BUT I think anything you might do or say will appear to be sour grapes so best to just keep quiet and get on with things really.

AgentZigzag · 14/06/2014 00:23

'"That's funny. They told me they were rolling in it."'

That would have been out of my mouth before my brain got into gear Grin

Not always a positive trait though.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 14/06/2014 00:23

coruskate in hindsight maybe I should have. But at the time I felt it was none of my business to divulge my siblings financial information to my parents.
If my sibling wants my parents to know they will tell them.
As someone said up thread, they might have not been telling the truth, so I would feel quite stupid if I told my parents they had £££'s when in actual fact they didn't

OP posts:
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