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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonably sensitive about this parent reading assistant

42 replies

Itsjustmeagain · 30/05/2014 03:51

I am willing to be told I'm being sensitive and paranoid!

My son is 7 and has struggled with his reading so a helper reads with him at school. Just before half term I was in the park with my children chatting to another mum and the helper came up to us, introduced herself and started chatting about how wonderful my son was BUT how she can see why I never have time to read with him since I have so many children (we have 5) and I'm apparently always at work. It's hard to put a tone into this post but the tone was really critical and she detailed a lot of his problems in front of the other mum.

To clarify I do read with him.

Then just before they broke up he was running ahead on the way home and I saw her stop to talk to him and apparently asking him which house he lived at etc.

I know this sounds petty and silly written down and I'm not really the type to be upset by this sort of thing easily but there's something I just feel really uncomfortable about!. On the one hand I am really grateful she gives her time to the school on the other I just feel like she is overstepping a mark!

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
Amy106 · 30/05/2014 04:29

Although it is good of her to volunteer her time at the school, your privacy and that of your child needs to be assured. If I were you I would let the school know what has happened and what was said. YANBU

SavoyCabbage · 30/05/2014 04:47

Perfect answer Amy. That's it in a nutshell.

Lepaskilf · 30/05/2014 05:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

partialderivative · 30/05/2014 05:23

You are coming across as being a little over defensive.

I would not contact the school at all, your son seems happy with his helper, and she seems to like him. That is all that is really important.

annebullin · 30/05/2014 05:26

I also think that you should contact the school.

Emptyfridgeofdoom · 30/05/2014 05:34

Don't think you are over reacting at all. Your confidentiality was breached. This needs to be addressed by the school. It's their responsibility to train the helper so that she knows where the boundaries are.

myitchybeaver · 30/05/2014 05:38

I think that's quite disgusting and the school must be informed. This is the downside of volunteers in all sectors but cannot be tolerated.

You and your child have a right to privacy. I would hate that.

Jenny70 · 30/05/2014 05:47

Chatting to you in front of others is not on. In fact chatting at all, other than "I read with your boy today, he is so lovely" is unneccessary. But I would probably shrug it off as a bad moment and not complain. But if you're feeling upset, tell the teacher to speak to her about it, next time it might be a another mother, another issue and another "foot in mouth" moment.

THe house thing seems OK to me, I'd do that if a knew a child and was making conversation etc.

MrsWombat · 30/05/2014 06:26

Yes, it is very inappropriate, and you need to contact the school, explain what happened and suggest they retrain all their helpers with child protection and confidentiality. I'm pretty sure thinks she is being "friendly and helpful" at best, and a nosy interfering parker at worst.

I'm a parent reading helper and would never do this. But all we were told is to keep things confidential. From other training in my day job I know that it's inappropriate to ask kids where they live and anything that might identify them out of school, and was surprised I didn't get told this when I started.

The most I will interact with the kids in my class out of school is smile if they notice me and wave back. If the parents look confused, I will say "I'm the reading partner for x class. They are such an awesome bunch of kids, aren't they?" and move on.

Phoenix2014 · 30/05/2014 07:04

Definitely contact the school. They should have trained their volunteers. If they haven't, then it will make them do it, and if they have, it will be a reminder.
The volunteer works with your child for a small amount of time each week. How many siblings he has and where he lives are no business of hers. She certainly shouldn't be talking to you in front of other parents.
Speak to the class teacher and the head. They need to know.

AElfgifu · 30/05/2014 07:10

I think it was unprofessional of her. She sounds quite ignorant, and in need of guidance. If you don't let the school know, she will not be getting the guidance she needs.

GoblinLittleOwl · 30/05/2014 07:13

She has no authority to discuss a pupil's progress with you, and certainly not in public. Contact your child's teacher, who is responsible for your child's progress, and inform her about this; make it clear that any discussion about your child takes place between you and the teaching staff only. This woman has probably acted on her own initiative, but she she should understand about confidentiality.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 30/05/2014 07:17

It was completely inappropriate and you should contact the school.

SuburbanRhonda · 30/05/2014 08:41

We have a written policy for volunteer helpers, just a folded page of A4, outlining their responsibilities with regard to confidentiality. I think your school should have one, and I think you should raise your concerns with the class teacher.

There is a time and place for discussing children's progress - at parents evening with the class teacher.

IMO, unless a parent specifically asks the volunteer for feedback, rather than asking the class teacher, even "I read with your boy today, he is so lovely" is not appropriate either.

CeliaFate · 30/05/2014 08:44

Some parents volunteer because they are nosey and want to know the ins and outs of the children's (and parents') lives. She sounds like this.

Any volunteer worth their salt would not have approached you and spoken to you like this.

We had a T.A. who used to probe the children when they said something about home, it was inappropriate and none of her business.

Tell the headteacher your concerns.

Mrsjayy · 30/05/2014 08:45

That is terrible I know she vokunterr but your sons privwcy is paramount how dare they,I used to do a litttle reading group with struggiling chikdren when dd2 was in primary I wouldnt dream of doing that, tbh I would report it to your sons teacher

Marylou62 · 30/05/2014 08:46

I am so pleased that as I have no children at school anymore....NO MORE READING RECORDS!!!! I read to all my 3 every night (Almost) But often forgot to write it down. A mother helper who incidently I never liked much, often wrote....'Please read to your child every night'!! I thought who the is she to write this! A teacher, I could understand. I went weekly on my day off to hear children read but would NEVER have written this. I went to a teacher and complained...I don't think you are being sensitive..I would complain. She has no right to say anything.

Mrsjayy · 30/05/2014 08:47

Excuse typos , yy to what a pp said some parents do it to be nosey it makes them feel important

sunshinecity17 · 30/05/2014 08:50

She should definitely not have spoken to you about his reading, that was overstepping the mark.I think the 'which house' thing was just a way of making conversationt 'hello Op 's DS, you are a long way away from your mum, maybe you should wait' 'It's ok this is our street, we are nearly home now' 'oh is it which is your house then?'

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/05/2014 09:01

She should have raised her concerns over home practice with the teacher not you. It's very easy to see from reading records and speaking a child to see if they are daily practicing at home. Teacher pops a note in the reading diary if it's not signed for a couple of days asking parents to sign if they have read. That way if short on volunteers/staff they can concentrate on those that don't get much or any practice at home.

The house comment sounds like normal conversation with a child and is fine.

Scrounger · 30/05/2014 09:30

I am a parent helper, I sometimes read with the children and this is a breach of confidentiality. I would never discuss a child's reading with their parent, that is the teacher's responsibility and it is a breach of confidentiality compounded by doing it in front of another parent. I also think she was out of order with her comments about not having time to read with him. I would definitely talk to the teacher or Head.

Is your child supposed to be getting support with reading above what other children are getting? If so, a parent volunteer reading with a child doesn't provide that and someone trained to support children with their reading should be doing it.

JasonOgg · 30/05/2014 09:30

This is exactly why I am very choosy about which mums I accept offers of reading help from!

Joysmum · 30/05/2014 09:34

I was a parent helper too. That was completely inappropriate and something that should be raised with the school.

Littlefish · 30/05/2014 09:34

I'm a teacher and I would want to know if the confidentiality of a child's progress or family circumstances had been broken. She definitely should not have been discussing it with you at all, let alone in front of other parents.

Although I'm a teacher, I also read one day a week at my dd's school. The most I have ever said is "I had a lovely time reading with your dc today" if a parent asks me whether I have read with their child.

Itsfab · 30/05/2014 09:38

There is no need for her to know where you live and for her to pass judgement on your parenting is out of order.

I would tell the school exactly what she has said and done and it is for them to decide if she has behaved appropriately or not. I would also be thinking very carefully if I wanted her to carry on assisting my son or not. I wouldn't.

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