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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About nudity in front of sons?

44 replies

extremepie · 04/05/2014 00:05

I am very relaxed about being naked in front of ds's, they are 7 and 6 and ds2 has autism. ExH also was. Neither of them have ever expressed being uncomfortable about me being naked in front of them but recently bf has made some comments about needing to cover up in front of them.

Is he right? I don't parade around naked in front of them but if I'm walking from my bedroom to the shower or the other way around I don't bother covering myself up and often I sleep naked or in just a t shirt so when I get up in the morning they'll see me.

If they were older or seemed uncomfortable about it then I would but I honestly don't see the problem! Aibu?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/05/2014 00:14

It's right to think about whether they might be bothered by it, but you should go on what your DSs say (even if it's not outright and just their reaction to you).

If they're not bothered and nor are you, why do you think it bothers your bf?

Because it seems to be you saying he has a problem with it, is he thinking about the comfort of your DSs or about how he thinks things should be/what other people would think?

How long have you been together?

Does he live with you?

MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 00:25

Why has he got any right to tell you that? how long have you been with this man? Does he live with you?

WilsonFrickett · 04/05/2014 00:30

I think when you have a child with autism you can't always be led by the child - your job is to model appropriate behaviour rather than letting them set the boundaries. Although if your older child is nt, chances are you are probably doing it all right.

But that said, it is absolutely not up to your bf to set boundaries for you or your children. Is he used to being around DCs? It could be simply inexperience...

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 04/05/2014 00:30

Does he have children?

I think he's projecting. he a can't separate sexuality from nudity.

Also think he's being quite cheeky expressing that, none of his business how you and your children behave with each other if you're all happy with it.

Bit of a red flag TBH.

MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 00:39

I also think it's a red flag...

MagicMojito · 04/05/2014 01:36

Yanbu, so long as they are clearly comfortable with it I'd keep it as the norm. It's healthy that they grow up with a realistic view of what women's bodies actually look like.

MistressDeeCee · 04/05/2014 01:40

If its not an issue with you and DCs I can't see why he's making it one. He doesn't have control tendencies, does he...?

Salazar · 04/05/2014 02:57

I think it's completely fine. There are naked families, that see each other no bother, and clothes families. You get to set the precedent.

I am a member of a naked family. I was growing up. Neither naked parent every got weird for me, saw my parents naked until the day I left home. Tbh, if I went home now I'm sure they'd be as naked as ever.

It. Is. Fine.
Red flag.

catsofa · 04/05/2014 03:35

I'm also from a naked family. It wouldn't worry me that you wander round naked sometimes, would worry me a bit that your bf has a problem with it.

But he's probably just not from a naked family himself and so feels uncomfortable and imagines that the kids feel uncomfortable too. Just needs a chat to help him separate nudity from sexuality and his own feelings from those of the kids.

Be gentle though, people often carry loads of shame and guilt about this stuff and you might tap into insecurities.

sykadelic · 04/05/2014 06:12

YANBU... BUT neither is he.

I think it's totally weird to wander around naked in front of kids old enough to wipe their own butts (as an age gauge), and I don't plan to do it (I say plan because anything is possible at some time or other)... so I see where he is coming from. This is just something he feels strongly about.

It's likely he feels more strongly about you wearing clothes around the kids than you do about not wearing them. It's also unlikely that he'll just get over it and it will cause issues in your relationship if you continue to do it (he may pretend to be okay with it but it will probably continue to bother him).

So you need to ask yourself whether this is something you want to argue about. Either put on clothes or don't but realise that by not doing it, you may be putting a nail in the coffin of your relationship. The idea that this is a red flag though is ridiculous.

LettertoHerms · 04/05/2014 06:26

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I don't think it's a red flag your bf has mentioned it. Like others said, you're from a naked family or you're not, and if you grew up in a family that never saw each other naked, it seems odd to see other families being naked. Imo, it's no bigger issue than the 'do you wash your towels after every use?' debate.

Some families never stop being naked around each other. Others go by the child, many children start to be embarrassed about nudity as they get older - I would say your boys are right under this age, you may get cues from them DS1 in a year or two that he'd rather be more private about bodies. Whatever works for your family is fine. I would explain to your bf your own attitude about it, without minimizing his feelings or rejecting his concerns. He may feel more strongly about not being naked than you do about being naked. What you want to do from there is up to you.

middleagedspread · 04/05/2014 07:06

We're a naked family too, well DH & I are. The teen DCs are keen to cover up more now.
I want my DS's to see that a normal woman has wobbly bits, hairy bits & the odd stretch mark. Normal is not the images the undoubtably see on screen.

DH tells me he never saw his parents naked growing up.

saintlyjimjams · 04/05/2014 07:15

I grew up in a clothes family but a severely autistic eldest son means there are no locks on bathrooms & eldest is a teen now. I though ds2 might start to get embarrassed by now (he's at secondary school) but he's shown no signs of embarrassment & likes to chat in the bath (me or him in there - not together!!!). So unless ds3 gets embarrassed later on we'll probably remain a naked family.

Horses for courses - tell him not to be so silly.

Original poster
extremepie · 04/05/2014 09:22

I think that's it really, I grew up seeing both my parents naked all the time so it's totally normal for me, I'm not ashamed of my body and don't mind if my boys see what a 'real' woman looks like!

I think bf is the opposite, his mum didn't do it with him and his ex doesn't do it with their son so I think he sees it as a bit 'weird'. He's not controlling at all I think he just feels it's not the done thing to be naked around your kids! If his son is round my place I do make sure I cover up (he's 5) because I don't want to make him feel awkward :)

We've been together 8 months ish and he doesn't live with us but is round a lot :)

Not sure why people think it's a red flag? Why would it be?

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 09:29

Well I suppose it could be seen as a red flag because it's a very personal area isn't it....and a boyfriend doesn't really have the position to tell you how to parent your children...especially regarding something like this.

If it were a case of him saying "I'm not sure it's a good idea to allow a three year old to use the oven" then that would be different....this is a highly personal thing.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 04/05/2014 09:41

Ive never been bothered about nudity in front of my kids, I've always dressed and undressed in front of them without a second thought. A couple of years ago my mother commented about it as my son (then 7) is getting older etc etc and will start to notice things.....
I just said he will let me know when he finds it a problem. Sure enough about a year ago he was in the room and I started getting dressed, and he said could I tell him when I'm about to strip off next time so he can go out of the room! Fair enough, I guess that means he's old enough to be bothered by it now!

erin99 · 04/05/2014 09:45

When my DC were babies I remember thinking that I'd get my privacy back by the time they were at school. It hasn't happened, my eldest is 7 and we still don't cover up for her. So YANBU, I do as you do, but I can see why your bf might think differently if he hasn't known your DSs from babies. Stick to your guns though, you know your DC best.

Having children does change your view. I remember a friend's abject shock when someone BF a one year old in front of her. She thought it was really grim. Fast forward 3 years and she was BF a one year old herself.

indigo18 · 04/05/2014 09:47

Not a red flag at all imo. Skyadelic has it spot on; it's what you are used to that counts. I never saw either parent naked, and my DC never saw us naked after age of about 5. Also your BF may be thinking that he is expected to do the same, and could be worried about issues concerning being naked around young DC, who are not his own.

meditrina · 04/05/2014 09:48

Some families wander round naked, some don't. Neither is right or wrong.

I'd say it's not a red flag, but is an indicator of an area of incompatibility. And I wouldn't like being told what to do in my own home by a visitor, but as we don't know exactly how he put it or meant it to come across I'll reserve opinion of that bit.

indigo18 · 04/05/2014 09:51

Also I don't think that not going naked in front of DC means one is ashamed of one's body. I am not ashamed. I do not go naked. My choice.

Purplepoodle · 04/05/2014 09:58

When I'm in the shower I often have an audience of my ds. My nearly 6 year old sits on the toilet and chats to me (or has a poo, sigh) and his 3 yr old and 1 yr old brother are sitting on the floor. They often follow me to the toilet too. When the day comes and they tell me to cover up then I will (perhaps they might stop following me to the bathroom too or bursting in for a poo!!).

I would run around upstairs when I stay in my parents in my underwear as usually I'm getting ready and one of the dc need me

NewNameForSpring · 04/05/2014 09:58

I think it all our duties, as real women to be seen like this at appropriate times, for as long as possible with our sons.

The screen must not win!

As a PP said, women have wobbly bits and shock horror, hair and all sorts. So long as the child isn't uncomfortable I honestly think we are doing a great job showing our sons real women.

Spottybra · 04/05/2014 10:07

My dc see me nude. Ds is currently playing naked although his clothes are next to him on the rug. Dd and I got dressed together.

But I do think its different having a baby and watching growing up around you than being introduced to children. You've given them cuddles, wiped their bums, cleaned up sick, washed them down and changed their beds whilst he is just seeing children and all the issues of protecting them from sexuality.

Original poster
extremepie · 04/05/2014 10:13

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that non nudity = shame just that I'm not so I don't feel the need to cover up :D

I wouldn't expect bf to go naked in front of my ds' as I think both them and he would feel uncomfortable with that, plus he doesn't do it with his own son so I wouldn't expect him to :)

For him I think it was more a suggestion than a command IYSWIM

OP posts:
BoobsRUs · 04/05/2014 10:25

There is nothing wrong with your children seeing you naked, I think it is important that they see nudity in the sense of it being natural and not purely sexual. And also if they don't see you naked the first nudity they will be exposed to is from porn. I don't want my children (girls or boys) thinking that porn stars who have likely had labiaplasty or breast augmentation and god knows what else are examples of the female form in it's most natural state.

Almost a quarter of young people were 12 years old or younger when they first saw porn online (24.6 per cent ) and 7.3 per cent were under 10, with the majority of young people (60 per cent) 14 years old or younger when they first saw porn online.