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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not just want a hand shoved down my pants?!

52 replies

nannynoss · 03/05/2014 04:37

Argh!

Okay, so I'd been with DP for about a year. We split for a while because I moved away, but we are very much back together now (quite recent).
And don't get me wrong, he's really lovely, but I'm getting a tiiiiiiny bit frustrated in the bedroom.

When we first got back together, due to not seeing each other often and not being 'together' for a while, the lead up to sex was quite rushed (which was fine at the time!)

But I fear I may have convinced him this is what I always like, when actually, I don't Blush

As soon as we get into bed now, we will kiss for all of 5 seconds and then BAM! His hand is in my knickers. Sometimes I knock his hand back and say 'not yet' but he just laughs and moves my hand out of the way and carries on ?!

He was never like this before! It's fine when we get going, but I fancy a bit more of a build up I guess.
As you can see by the time, I've been simmering about this for hours! AIBU to not be instantly turned on?!

He's insecure and I hate confrontation, so if we have to have a talk about it it's going to be mortifying Blush

OP posts:
MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 03/05/2014 04:56

When he goes for the end zone, could you stop and redirect him to another area?
Or make it a game - he can touch you everywhere but there (and same you for him) and see if you can make him realise that you need a bit more foreplay. But I think you have to be consistent.
Or better yet, just tell him!

JapaneseMargaret · 03/05/2014 05:10

So when he laughs, moves your hand out of the way and carries on (Christ, what an utter turn-off Hmm), why don't you laugh, move his hand again, and carry on?

And keep doing it, and keep doing it until either the message sinks in, or you have to actually verbalise it, and spell it out for him...

He knows you don't want him to do it (hence the laughing, and carrying on + unless he's actually stupid, he can pick up on he cue), and does it anyway. You don't like it. You're entitled to not accept this.

Anomaly · 03/05/2014 05:19

If you're old enough to be having sex then you should be able to talk about it. No one is a mind reader so talk to your DP about what you do and don't like. You could always ask him what he likes first if that would make it easier. It doesn't have to be a confrontation.

PrincessBabyCat · 03/05/2014 05:40

If you're old enough to be having sex then you should be able to talk about it.

Yes. How embarrassing can it be to talk about, you've already seen each other naked and exchanged bodily fluids. Hmm

It's ok to be a little bossy in the bedroom and tell your partner how it's done. I have yet to meet a man that would not like his girl to take charge in the bedroom. If he's insecure, he'll feel more secure knowing he's good in bed and you can help him by telling him how to be.

(obviously I don't mean do something he doesn't like against his wishes, consent is a two way street)

Original poster
nannynoss · 03/05/2014 07:58

MoreSky that's a good idea re the game. I think I'll try that.
I suppose it's not so much embarrassing, I just don't want him to get in a strop and not go near me at all!

He used to be the same about oral sex. I don't really like it but he was convinced he could change my mind. Every bloody time I'd have to say 'seriously, NO' and move away because he was carrying on regardless. He's stopped that now though.

(I am aware I sound like a spoilt brat, sorry!!)

OP posts:
Hassled · 03/05/2014 08:02

You don't sound like a spoilt brat at all - he's the one who's not coming across well. He's doing stuff you don't like, and you've made it clear you don't like it, and he's doing it regardless because of course he knows best - and you can't challenge him because he's "insecure" and might strop.

You need to sit him down and spell it out in words of one syllable. He needs to take you seriously. And if he does strop because of this well then really - is he worth it?

Original poster
nannynoss · 03/05/2014 08:18

I suppose my main thought is, if he likes it to go fast, and I like to take it slow, why should he have to do what I want? He's entitled to enjoy it just as much as me.
I know, I know, we won't find a compromise if I don't talk to him. I'll give it a go...

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 03/05/2014 08:27

Was the sex good before you split up? If so, can you say something along the lines of "Sex was really good before we broke up, but since we've got back together it's been too rushed since then. Can we go back to how it was before?"

Seriously, you sound far from a spoilt brat. And a couple should always go at the pace of the 'slowest' one. Slowing down a bit is hardly going to ruin the experience for him, is it? I'd be really pissed off with him if I was you. You trying to stop him from doing something but him laughing and carrying on regardless is more than a turn off.

Original poster
nannynoss · 03/05/2014 08:34

MsV yeah it was always good. And don't get me wrong, I'd still say it was good now once we've got past the first hurdle. Which is why I think I'm being a bit U moaning about not liking the beginning.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 03/05/2014 08:42

I suppose my main thought is, if he likes it to go fast, and I like to take it slow, why should he have to do what I want? He's entitled to enjoy it just as much as me.

But at the moment you're doing it the way he wants all the time. Why should you have to do what he wants? You're entitled to enjoy it just as much as him....

MsVestibule · 03/05/2014 08:43

YADNBU. He's doing something sexually that you don't particularly enjoy and doesn't stop even when you ask him to. I don't even understand how you think YABU. I'm not screaming 'Abuse! Abuse!' but honestly, it's not good. He's doing what HE wants, regardless of your needs/wants.

MooncupGoddess · 03/05/2014 08:45

You're not being at all unreasonable! Your needs and desires are just as important as his... but at the moment you seem to be much more bothered about what he wants than he is about what you want.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 08:46

"Why are you doing that again when I've just asked you to stop?"

I'd have a conversation when you are out of bed, TBH. "Look, I know you want us both to love our sex life, so this is what does it for me..."

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/05/2014 08:46

How is he to know what you do like, unless you tell him?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 08:49

You may find this thread useful, OP.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2067424-To-have-really-upset-DH-and-now-hes-scared-to-touch-me

BillyBanter · 03/05/2014 08:58

Yes. How embarrassing can it be to talk about, you've already seen each other naked and exchanged bodily fluids.

The reality is that many many people can have lots of sex with lots of people and yet find talking about it awkward. It's incredibly common.

Original poster
nannynoss · 03/05/2014 09:01

Doctrine that's funny, I'd read a lot of that post before but reading it again after last night with DP has given it a lot more meaning!
plus I don't want another 18 years of this

OP posts:
Original poster
nannynoss · 03/05/2014 09:03

Yes exactly Billy, it makes no sense but I'm way more uncomfortable just talking about it!

OP posts:
SoFishy · 03/05/2014 09:04

Sometimes I knock his hand back and say 'not yet' but he just laughs and moves my hand out of the way and carries on ?!

This is really bad! I think it's very important that if someone asks their partner not to do something to their body, it has to be respected. Otherwise you're in bed with someone who thinks they can just do what they like and what you want doesn't matter - and that would really worry me.

What one person wants doesn't trump what the other doesn't want. You both only do what you're comfortable with. Any partner who couldn't see that would be out on their arse if it was me. And I wouldn't think someone like that was "lovely". It would be a red flag for me.

Original poster
nannynoss · 03/05/2014 09:14

Am I being a bit blind then do you think?
I think I might take him out for lunch today and gently raise the subject. Food always helps to keep him on side Wink

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 09:31

Nanny, see how your talk goes before you find it too worrying.

Ask him why he puts his hand straight back? Does he think you are joking/"playing hard to get"? (If I could take one sexist trope and drown it in a bucket, it would be that one)

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2014 11:05

He sounds a right catch...

AnyaKnowIt · 03/05/2014 11:16

I suppose it's not so much embarrassing, I just don't want him to get in a strop and not go near me at all!

Then bin him off, going into a strop when he has been told not to do something that you don't like will lead you to start walking on eggshells before long.

CalamityKate1 · 03/05/2014 11:18

You don't sound like a brat. He sounds like a twat.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 12:06

Nanny, I know it's not quite the same but if, say, he'd made you a curry a couple of times and you sat him down to say, "Look, I don't really like spicy food" then HWBU to strop and never cook for you again, right...?

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