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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

walk away from NCT group

28 replies

sunshinesoutmybum · 30/04/2014 09:53

Hi everyone this is my first post, please be kind :-)
I joined a nct class last year before the birth of my pfb, and found the classes ok but the real benefit was the support of the other mums as I have no family close by. Everything has been going great we had a fb group message, met up at least once a week with babies and it was generally pleasant. However in the past couple of months everything has changed and I feel like a teenage girl at the mercy of school bullies! I missed a few of the arranged meet ups as dd was poorly and then was unable to join up to a expensive class that the majority of the group wanted to do. At the last meet up it was very apparent that they have been meeting up lots without me and have started another fb group message without me (another mum told me she had been added to it recently). So my question is this am I being unreasonable to send each of them a severed horse head?!! Seriously I should just walk away and try and make some more mum friends at other play groups right?

OP posts:

Witchywitch · 30/04/2014 10:01

I feel for you. Having a first baby can be tricky in lots of ways, making friends with other mothers not the least of them. If you're getting something out of seeing them, then continue to do it, but if it's just making you miserable, then forget about them. There will be lots more nicer,people you can meet at other groups, through other friends etc. good luck and congrats on the baby

FourForksAche · 30/04/2014 10:02

ye, move on, sounds like they're being rather childish.

DoJo · 30/04/2014 10:03

Are they actually being unpleasant to you? Or is it just that they are doing some activities that you aren't? Is the Facebook group to do with the activity that you aren't doing with them? It's not really surprising that they have been meeting up without you given that you know they are all doing this activity together, but do you have fun when you do all meet up together?

iMN · 30/04/2014 10:08

To start with, you are better than them simply because you can see clearly that their behaviour is unpleasant and childish. Chin up, best foot forward, and get on with enjoying your little one. There are other activities, other (nice) people, and too little time to spend wasting it on these rude women. Move on they'll hate the fact they can't get to you

lukewarmbath · 30/04/2014 10:09

It doesn't seem nice that they are excluding you, but I think DoJo has a point. Are they actually being nasty? Or do you think you've been overlooked because you couldn't do the activity?

Original poster

sunshinesoutmybum · 30/04/2014 10:44

They are not coming at me directly but they are playing the old school yard games of organising nights out and other activities on this other fb group not inviting me, but making sure that someone mentions it afterwards to ensure I know about it. There is a ringleader who seems to have control over the others, to be honest I have never really warmed to her but have always made the effort. You know just typing this makes me realise that I have much more important things in my life to spend my energy on these days than them! Thanks everyone x

OP posts:

Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 10:57

Some women never really grow up do they? I'm always appalled when I read some of the school gate threads on here as well. People who behave like that have just never moved on from the school playground mentality, and are to be pitied really. The ones who go along with them for the sake of an easy life should be ashamed of themselves.

SarcyMare · 30/04/2014 10:57

are you sure they are mentioning it on purpose, or just mentioning it because talking about what you last did when you are together is what you do?

i find in groups once you miss out on one activity they seem to feel snubbed and presume you won't want to do anything else.

S4Worries · 30/04/2014 11:20

This is a shame but you sound like you have come to terms with it.

Only piece of advice from years down the line (I have a teenager!) is stay polite and make friendly small talk if you see these folk around, as they could well reappear in your child's nursery/school years or at kids' activities.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2014 11:44

Reading your other posts, walk away, they sound childish and gave never really left school. It seems to be the case with a lot if NCT groups, this school yard mentality.

MigGril · 30/04/2014 11:52

Sounds very much like what happened with my NCT class group.

I walked away.
lucky we had a lovely NCT local bumps and babies group and coffee morning group that I went to as well. in fact 7 year on I still take my youngest to the coffee morning group and have made lovely friends there. They had babies of current ages and it didn't seem like such a clicky group.

GobbolinoCat · 30/04/2014 14:13

Its hard but walk away.

Was there one person you warmed to more than the others, are they going back to work soon>

NCT is bizarre we are thrown together with strangers just because we had a baby at the same time. We cling to each other for support at this monumental time and that is great, it has a great amazing service.

NCT is worth it for that alone, but in terms of making life long friends...usually we only truely click with one or two people....

I had to walk away from my group due to one person, thankfully she is back at work now so things have changed....

Even friends in groups where they all got on, a few years down the line, and no one has kept it touch.

Be thankful you had that early support, let go....and look elsewhere for new buddies.

EssexGurl · 30/04/2014 14:52

I could virtually have written your post!

It is now 8 years since my NCT days and I pass pleasantries only with one of the group. It was hard realising I wasn't part of their group - like you mention.

Now the kids are at school I have friends among those mums. Plus I have just joined the WI and love it.

Get groups of friends from different interests and move on from them.

Gurnie · 30/04/2014 14:54

Oh god yes, move on. I had this with my NCT group and spent way too much time stressing about what they all thought of me.

WipsGlitter · 30/04/2014 15:03

It's probably best to move on. But, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. If there is one or two you do really get on with feel free to invite them to do stuff outside of the group activities.

Original poster

sunshinesoutmybum · 30/04/2014 15:08

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate you comments. It is nice to know I am not alone feeling like this. Oh well onwards and upwards :-) x

OP posts:

Ubik1 · 30/04/2014 15:12

Go to some toddler groups. You will meet people. NCT people are rather odd IME. Toddler group's offer a wider range of people to talk to and are not as insane intense.

Ubik1 · 30/04/2014 15:13

Sorry random apostrophe there

DinosMummy · 30/04/2014 15:15

Walk away, definitely! I didn't get along with my NCT group. It all started off well and then it got horrifically competitive and unpleasant. I walked away which resulted in me being bitched about behind my back by one woman in particular, which was not a nice experience. I focussed on making new friends and now I have a great support network. NCT groups are a bit like the friends you make in Freshers week at uni; you don't always have that much in common and they tend to fade out of your life in time as you meet people you actually get along with. Good luck!

rowna · 30/04/2014 16:16

I'd be pleasant enough, not close the door as such and get out and about to other things. My NCT group were really nice, not a petty one amongst them, but we all ended up living in different towns. I'm still friends with one from the group many years later. But it's not the be all and end all. There are plenty of others out there to meet and really it's suprising how quickly you move on. The people I knew from toddler groups I didn't see that much once dc went off to different schools. Think of it as networking rather than making lifelong friends. Then it's a bonus if you do make a good friend.

SamG76 · 30/04/2014 16:19

YANBU - in our NCT Group, 5 of the couples already knew each other, and we were 1 of the 3 that didn't know anyone else. The lady running it said it was the worst behaved group she had come across in 30 years. Our experience was the same as yours in that later activities were arranged without us, and we gave up, though are still in touch with one of the other "excluded" couples.

brownie31 · 30/04/2014 18:40

YANBU - sorry you've had this experience. I didn't have much in common with most of my NCT group and I think you're better off looking elsewhere for people you genuinely like and who are friendly to you. I am close friends with one member and that's it, the others are fairly pleasant but now I'm back at work I don't have any desire to spend time as a group. Some of them were quite judgey about me working full time (work refused my flexible working request) which put me off them even more! I agree with others who have said join other groups - I made my closest friends through a Buggy exercise class.

Mondayschild78 · 30/04/2014 22:56

Ugh so clicky. Walk away OP if you feel it is the best thing to do. I did not do NCT but for what it's worth over the past two years of DS life I have met mums I've become friendly with at the playground and at different play groups and we meet up to do a variety of different things. So do not worry as there are plenty of places to meet people you get along with. Will we be friends in another three years when our kids are school age? Maybe. Maybe not. Life is short and kids and circumstances and relationships change. Just enjoy it for what it is and move on when it's no longer working for you.

parentalunit · 30/04/2014 23:33

If there's anyone you like, keep hanging out with them, but sod anyone who isn't pleasant. My litmus test is that when meeting up with a friend, I should feel good about myself (as should they) and if not, then something isn't right.

heraldgerald · 30/04/2014 23:41

What parent says^^

And fuck em.

Move on.

But stay polite and make small talk.

I didn't gel with my nct group it happens to lots of people,don't take it to heart.

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