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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think going to a grandmother's funeral is exceptional circumstances

210 replies

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 15:42

My 6 year old's headteacher has refused to allow him authorised leave of absence to go to my mum's funeral as it isn't exceptional circumstances! She is going to recommend that we don't get a fine, though I don't know if her recommendation has to be acted on.

What is exceptional circumstances if a close relatives funeral doesn't count FFS?

OP posts:
SacreBlue · 25/04/2014 16:04

The school I went to allowed absence for one of my friends because her beloved dog who she grew up with had died suddenly.

My son's school not only allowed him time off to attend a friends GF funeral but also offered support if he was upset going back in the next day.

Some people may not be close to GP, other family, friends, or even pets etc but many are.

I have never thought twice about taking my son out of school to attend the funeral of a loved one - immediate family or not - and its horrible that yours would if your DC were close to your DM.

I do feel a little bit for schools who are so heavily regulated re absences that they cannot take into account the real and valid feelings of a child who not only may want/need to say goodbye but also need support to deal with bereavement.

Very sorry for you loss Flowers

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/04/2014 16:04

Sorry about your mum. Thanks

I remember DH wasn't allowed time off to go to his grandad's funeral as he was told it wasn't a direct relative. I just find the lack of compassion shocking sometimes.

TheRealMaryMillington · 25/04/2014 16:06

The HT probably thinks that 4 days is too long, though I can see why it is that you feel you need it. Have you explained the journey times?

You really would hope the school would be more sensitive at a time like this.

Keep your DH our of it.

maddy68 · 25/04/2014 16:11

Just take him out. Ignore them. There is no way you will be fined for this. It really wouldn't stand up in court. You are allowed time with your family!

odyssey2001 · 25/04/2014 16:12

Write to the chair of governors. This is an unacceptable abuse of the new regulations. If it is not authorised, take them out anyway but it really should only be for one day. Two at most if there is a lot of travel involved.

rabbitrisen · 25/04/2014 16:16

Forgot to mention to take him out definitely. This is time out that wont be got again.
granny dying v school at 6. No contest.

gleegeek · 25/04/2014 16:16

I'm sorry for your loss and YANBU.

My mum died a couple of years ago and school were really supportive thank goodness. We lived approximately 5 hours away too and as I was basically organising the whole thing, we had to be there the day before and the day after as a minimum. Fortunately the funeral director managed to squeeze us into a Friday slot so we had the weekend to recover....

Look after yourself at this difficult time and do what feels right for you and your family.

Original poster
SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 16:17

I did say it was a long way away and we hoped it would be 3 days away not 4. It definitely couldn't be done in one day!

We will go anyway but I'm shocked she wouldn't authorise it. I'm also worried we'll get a fine, she didn't say how likely the LA are to listen to her recommendation that we don't get one.

OP posts:
rabbitrisen · 25/04/2014 16:19

Dont like to mention the Home Ed situation but will anyway. This country allows kids education at home with all the flexibility that entails. The Governments hardly blinks.
And yet 1 day out for a very important funeral is not allowed. The double standards of all Government in this country is breathtaking.

rabbitrisen · 25/04/2014 16:20

If you get a fine letter, send that too to your local paper. And tell you you will do that.

You will find that she squirms.

elliejjtiny · 25/04/2014 16:33

So sorry about your mum. My Dad died last month and the HT gave DS1 and DS2 the day off no problem. Not sure if he would have allowed more than 1 day but it was 3 hours away so did it in one day no problem.

Pheonixisrising · 25/04/2014 16:40

so sorry for your loss Thanks

the head is full of shit . you will not get a fine for non attendance , he is making it sound like he is being kind

EWO's would contact you first before any fines etc as it's their job to raise attendance and overcome any issues

take your children and don't worry

if its an unauthorised absence OFSTED can question them why

Trooperslane · 25/04/2014 16:41

That is fucking ridiculous op.

As if you need that as well as the loss of a parent/PIL.

A total disgrace.

And sorry for your loss.

Confused
Trooperslane · 25/04/2014 16:44

Agree local media, but only if you're feeling strong enough. That can be quite stressful.

I'd go and fuck the consequences.

(In the interests of full disclosure my Mum died less than 2 weeks ago and I'm mega sensitive)

maddy68 · 25/04/2014 16:44

Tbh it won't be the head, it'll be the attendance officer in the school that automatically is only allowed to authorise a days absence for a funeral. I bet the head hasn't even seen it. Just go. Nothing will happen I am slt in a school and this woul get passed onto me and no fine would be issued

TheBitterBoy · 25/04/2014 16:52

The problem is that the amendment to the regulation that came into force in Sept 2013 does not define what is an 'exceptional circumstance' it just removed the statement allowing up to ten days for a holiday. The head has to decide what an exceptional circumstance is for themselves, which leaves school open to applying the rules differently from school to school. But I do think your head is being unreasonable to not allow this absence.

aprilanne · 25/04/2014 17:06

jings it is awfull not really understanding .but by law you are only allowed time from work if it is your hubby or parent .so maybe school just parents it is stupid i know .i don,t think any sane person would fine you hopefully

WaitMonkey · 25/04/2014 17:08

This is absolutely ridiculous. I'd be going crazy. So sorry for your loss. Thanks

mummymeister · 25/04/2014 17:15

I am so sorry for your loss and with all the other things you are dealing with both practical and emotional to have to deal with this as well is just quite frankly mind boggling. The problem with any rule that allows discretion but with no real clear guidance other than the words "exceptional circumstances" is that some h/t will be sensitive and sympathetic and others will not. when this rule first came out I wrote on here lots of times that there was far too much discretion and that reasonable people would start having reasonable requests refused by jobsworths. quite a few people shouted me down saying this could not happen/never would happen. well here you go. a real person with a real request that is totally reasonable who has been given the standard letter. I know you don't feel up to it but please, please make a fuss about this. the more of us that do, the more likely it is that some guidance will be given to stop this stupidity.

Andrewofgg · 25/04/2014 18:06

I'm sorry for your loss.

YANBU but the head is being beyond disgraceful.

starfishmummy · 25/04/2014 18:15

The husband being a governor should not complicate matters at all.
This is a procedural matter and when I was a governor we would not have got involved in an individual case (maybe discussed policy but that would have been all). Even if governors do get involved the husband declares an interest and excuses himself

hackmum · 25/04/2014 18:30

Apart from anything else, there's the practical issue of who would look after your DS if you're away at your mum's funeral.

He's only 6. What difference will a few days make?

Original poster
SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 18:40

DH is going to email HT for clarification and bring up what constitutes 'exceptional circumstances' at the next governor's meeting. Thanks for all the support everyone!

OP posts:
shebird · 25/04/2014 18:42

So sorry for your loss OP. These new rules are ridiculous and assume that all requests for absence are to avail of cheap holidays and that anything 'exceptional' can be dealt with in just 1 day. Where is the compassion and humanity in these circumstances? Schools should be supporting families in times of bereavement not adding to an already stressful situation. My family also live far away so in similar circumstances I have already decided that if anything happens I will put family first and go to court if they issue a fine.

BeyondRepair · 25/04/2014 18:43

Longtalljosie

Is right, you MUST MUST MUST write to your MP and write to the TIMES ABOUT IT.