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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think going to a grandmother's funeral is exceptional circumstances

210 replies

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 15:42

My 6 year old's headteacher has refused to allow him authorised leave of absence to go to my mum's funeral as it isn't exceptional circumstances! She is going to recommend that we don't get a fine, though I don't know if her recommendation has to be acted on.

What is exceptional circumstances if a close relatives funeral doesn't count FFS?

OP posts:
merrymouse · 26/04/2014 17:48

It may be inconvenient for the form teacher if the OP's child misses 4 days of planned teaching. Nothing much can be done about this in the circumstances, but it doesn't cost anything to recognise this.

I don't think it is necessary to mention this if it sticks in your throat. The aim is to communicate what is happening with the minimum amount of fuss and get on with other things.

Breaking the law politely worked for Gandhi.

mummymeister · 26/04/2014 17:53

Lovesardines the fine is £60 per child per parent per absence. so in this case it would be £120. this is the heads decision. she might try and say that it is the LEA or the governors. but the law is very clear. it is at the discretion of the head. not the head in conjunction with or acting on behalf of or leading. solely and only the head. she has decided this. it is her stupid decision and interpretation of a ridiculous rule. on what basis has this woman sat down and thought that refusing this as exceptional circumstances is reasonable. I hope other head teachers are reading this thread. it might stop similar stupid decisions being made.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:53

Exactly, merrymouse- it is perfectly possible to break the law politely and politeness always makes you more likely to succeed in getting to your aim.

IslaMann · 26/04/2014 18:04

Forgive me if this has already been asked, am so angry on your behalf that I need to post this without taking time to read all posts. Was your school shut for the recent teachers strikes? Because if so then not only is this decision an unempathetic one, it is also, frankly, insulting.

MrsNoodleHead · 26/04/2014 18:04

Sorry BeyondRepair, you're entirely right. That should have been addressed to merrymouse who said:

"I would say that while you understood that the head was in a difficult position, in this instance you had no other option but to take your child to the funeral."

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 18:05

Teachers strikes are irrelevant to this case.

LoveSardines · 26/04/2014 18:06

Comparing the OP to Ghandi?

I don't understand.

So if I think there is a law that is wrong, the best thing to do is whatever I like, and feel fine with that, because, Ghandi?

Not tell my MP or vote accordingly or lobby people or something like that?

Just ignore it and do whatever I like?

What an appalling attitude Shock and NOT polite at all, and a terrible example to children on top.

these are the rules kids, if you don't like em just ignore em, but do it politely.

Weird.

wooldonor · 26/04/2014 18:08

Sorry for your loss OP

I know we've had many many similar threads on this subject and I may posted this before but in these situations the HT isn't forbidding you to go to the funeral she's saying that it's no longer within her power to authorise the absence you've asked for. You still go just with the knowledge that there is a (in this case I'd say tiny) possibility that you might be fined.

I'm sure HTs are still coming to grips with the new rules and will make mistakes, I certainly wouldn't suggest you go to the newspapers, that never seems to end well in these situations.

Go to the funeral and take the time you need.

IslaMann · 26/04/2014 18:08

delphinium why? So it's ok to disrupt a child's education because of the teachers pensions and working conditions, but not when he or she has lost a beloved family member? Are you a teacher?

BeyondRepair · 26/04/2014 18:09

Whatever happens I personally thinks its crucial that ops MP knows of this.

She doesnt have to enlist their help but just say,

To make you aware, my mother passed away, our HT has said this is not exceptional circs and there may be a possibility of a fine but she has said she will recommend not.

I want you to know as I want to highlight the lunacy of this new rule and how it can be abused.

BeyondRepair · 26/04/2014 18:10

Comparing the OP to Ghandi?

Are we going to see OP in Loin Cloth with staff on the front of the daily M?

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 18:11

Because teachers are not stopping her from going to a funeral, they would expect to be able to attend a grandmother's funeral. The Head is simply interpreting the new rules wrongly. Everyone , whatever their job or position, would expect to go to their own grandmother's funeral.

MrsNoodleHead · 26/04/2014 18:12

I do see that it could be in the OP's interests to find a low key way of dealing with this, especially with everything else she had on.

But she is entirely within her rights to be extremely disappointed in the Head's response, which betrays really poor judgment and a lack of care for her pupils and her community. Let us not forget that the Head has acted unreasonably and made life worse for a grieving family.

If the OP has the energy to challenge this approach, it's worthwhile doing to minimise the chances of this happening again. The Head shouldn't think that this is an appropriate exercise of her powers.

wooldonor · 26/04/2014 18:12

Islamann - you don't have to be a teacher to understand that absence rules and the right to strike are two totally unconnected issues.

mummymeister · 26/04/2014 18:14

wooldonor you are completely wrong I am afraid when you say "it is no longer in her power to authorise the absence" the law is very very clear. it absolutely is within her power, and only her power as head teacher to authorise this. no one else can. not the lea, not the governors. the law is explicit. it is the decision of the head whether she/he feels this is an "exceptional circumstance" the issue here is the definition of exceptional. I would define death of a grandparent as exceptional. OP's head teacher does not.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 18:18

Thank you wooldonor, the two are simply not connected. The Head can't seem to understand 'exceptional circumstances'- that is all. It needs pointing out to her by someone in authority.

wooldonor · 26/04/2014 18:19

Sorry, yes, mummmeister, you're right I meant to say "automatically" authorise. What I was trying to say (not very well obviously) was that this HT knows that she can't do it as easily as before and must have given it some kind of consideration and decided that this circumstance isn't exceptional in her view. What's wrong is her interpretation - I don't think the majority of HTs would consider this as non exceptional.

wooldonor · 26/04/2014 18:21

x posts with Delphinium, the interpretation is definitely the issue here and probably could be resolved with a conversation with the HT

WeAreEternal · 26/04/2014 18:25

A close family friend died last year, it was a very emotional time and I actually cried when I went to ask for the form to take DS out of school for the funeral.

The funeral was at the other end of the country, and had to go for three days but DS would only miss one day of school (a Friday)
I explained to the HT that although this person is not a blood relative he is like family to us, he saved DPs life in Afghanistan 9 years ago, he was seriously injured protecting DP and if it wasn't for him DS would never have even existed. He was one of DPs best friends and DP was devistated when he was killed.
I'm tearing up now just thinking about it.
DS adored our friend and he was very upset about his death too.
I sobbed in the HTs office explaining all of this.

Despite this the absence request was rejected and we were fined for the day we took off.

My brother is getting married in a few weeks, DS is a page boy and I'm a bridesmaid, I've only asked for one day off, even though the wedding is 7 hours away, but our request has been rejected again.

The system is ridiclous.

joanofarchitrave · 26/04/2014 18:31

I'm amazed at the Head saying 'not authorised but erm, please don't fine her'. What?? The Head should authorise and be damned. Presumably Ofsted now downgrade a school that has a high proportion of authorised absences?

I really hope you will complain but why on earth should you have to at this time Flowers

merrymouse · 26/04/2014 18:40

the interpretation is definitely the issue here and probably could be resolved with a conversation with the HT

yes.

merrymouse · 26/04/2014 18:43

I think peaceful non-cooperation is a brilliant example to children. It's not always appropriate. However neither is blindly following every rule. Life is more complicated than that.

LoveSardines · 26/04/2014 18:50

WeAreEternal that is atrocious treatment, I am so sorry.

LoveSardines · 26/04/2014 18:52

Lol

My children frequently practice "peaceful non-co-operation". It is not brilliant at all!

I would also argue that at age 6, children are not ready for "grey areas" when it comes to things like school rules and the law of the land.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 18:57

My father died suddenly and I went home (200 miles away) and I was off work for a week. No one expected me to work between his death and his funeral - and a fat lot of good I would have been anyway! Funerals do not just happen! There were lots of decisions to be made, things to be organised. The police had to contact my brother ( before mobile phones) and both my brothers came home. My younger brother was at university and of course he was given leave. Had I had a 6 yr old of course they would have been there for a week with me. They can't be expected to trot off happily to school with a major family trauma and have their parents away too- far more damaging than a week off. I am sure it was called compassionate leave, and no one said insensitive things like 'work is more important than your father dying'!
When I was 6 yrs old my father's aunt died- I didn't know her well so I didn't go but the funeral was too far to attend in day so I was dropped off with my mother's sister in the way and had 2 days off.
The world has gone mad if the funeral of one of your closest family members, a grandparent, isn't 'exceptional circumstances'. Even David Cameron wouldn't miss his grandmother's funeral because he was too busy at work!