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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think going to a grandmother's funeral is exceptional circumstances

210 replies

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 15:42

My 6 year old's headteacher has refused to allow him authorised leave of absence to go to my mum's funeral as it isn't exceptional circumstances! She is going to recommend that we don't get a fine, though I don't know if her recommendation has to be acted on.

What is exceptional circumstances if a close relatives funeral doesn't count FFS?

OP posts:

Ericaequites · 26/04/2014 00:34

Six is much too young for a funeral, even for a grandparent. Four days off us completely unreasonable.

BrianTheMole · 26/04/2014 00:40

Six is not too young at all Erica. Why do you think it is?

I'm sorry for your loss op.

AlpacaLypse · 26/04/2014 00:51

Your HT is caught between a rock and a hard place, thanks to some seriously shittily ill-thought out government guidelines. I'm quite sure that if she didn't have jobsworths hovering over her she'd have authorised the absence straight away.

Informing your MP about this saga is definitely going to be helpful - the current government rules about time off in term time are ripe for review and every bit of evidence like this helps.

But I'm very angry that people like you, who are going through the rawest stage of bereavement, are the ones who are best placed to provide the evidence that the new system isn't working, just when you have far too much else to deal with.

Nocomet · 26/04/2014 01:09

Sorry for your loss.
YANBU
DMIL lived 5hours drive away so her funeral and helping DSIL sort things out took several days.

I would have beyond furious if school had said anything.

Nocomet · 26/04/2014 01:15

erica the OP can't simply park a six year old child, while she attends her DM's funeral. At that age neither of mine had ever done one nights sleep over let alone 3-4.

The rules are totally cruel, inhumane and wrong.

Trooperslane · 26/04/2014 06:45

Erica.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 07:31

Why can't a 6 yr old go to a grandparents funeral, Erica? What an outdated attitude. I went to one recently and grandchildren were there. The 9 yr old DD read out a lovely poem that she wrote herself. I would take it further OP. Of course a teacher would be allowed time off to go to a grandparent's funeral and so should a pupil.

RandomMess · 26/04/2014 07:36

YANBU.

I just wanted to add if a child isn't "well" enough to attend school following a bereavement of a parent or whoever then surely you would take the time of as sickness. That is certainly what happens at work - you get so many days special leave automatically but if you're not "up" to being at work (as would be anticipated) you are just signed off sick.

I hope the HT realises that she has missed the point of "exceptional" circumstances!

X3512 · 26/04/2014 07:47

I was going to say exactly the same as peeking. your DH definitely can't bring it up at governors. Any decent chair would stop him immediately but it really would be completely inappropriate and leave a sour taste in the mouth. That is exactly the type of thing that gives parent governors a bad name.
He can ask the question about what constitutes exceptional circumstances in exactly the same way any other parent would-ask the head, email, whatever. It is NOT something that he should bring to governors! He should have had training in this area.

FWIW Your absence would have been agreed in our school or at least 1or 2 of the days would have. perhaps it is the length of time that is the issue. Definitely write another letter to the Head/CoG (as a parent!) asking for clarification.

Littleturkish · 26/04/2014 07:55

This is outrageous.

And the last thing you need when grieving.

Definitely write to your MP.

It angers me that care differs so greatly between schools. It shouldn't be so wildly different between schools. Pastoral care shouldn't be a postcode lottery.

ijustwanttobeme · 26/04/2014 08:09

Slightly off topic I know, but emailed my DS's school on Thursday to let them know he wouldn't be in in yesterday, as would be at Grandad's funeral. I'd emailed because when I called the person I needed to speak to was our of office.

I didn't seek permission, I just told the school DS wouldn't be in.

After coming back from service, there were texts and a missed call advising that my DS had been reported absent.

I called the school and spoke to the attendance officer who said oh the email hadn't been read as they'd had a meeting first thing. They'd been looking for DS all over the school apparently?!

Longtalljosie · 26/04/2014 08:38

Well - when on Thursday did you email? That's very little notice, and you really can't rely on email in those circumstances. I would be a tad embarrassed if I were you.

Peekingduck · 26/04/2014 08:46

I think that where it becomes relevant that Op's husband is a school governor here is when we consider that it is the governors who determine policy for the school. So if the HT has taken the school attendance policy and applied it correctly it's worth considering the fact that Op's DH "owns" that policy and as part of the governing body he is responsible for what it says. It may be that the policy has been applied incorrectly, in which case a simple query to the HT would rectify that. But I really think that there needs to be some understanding that attendance is hugely contentious and causing huge upset not because HT's have turned into tyrants, but because they are struggling to apply government policy, via policies determined by their school's governing body.
The HT has to apply the school attendance policy in this case, that is the operational responsibility of a HT. They only have as much discretion as the policy allows. Parental queries and complaints inform policy setting, who knows, this could result in the school policy being changed... by the governors.

LoveSardines · 26/04/2014 09:03

How much is the fine?

Surely if the child is not allowed the absence they are not allowed the absence?

There are lots and lots of people who follow law and rules, this puts them in a terrible position.

BumPotato · 26/04/2014 09:15

When DFIL died I took my DDs out of school for a day and a half. It would have been more but we arranged for the funeral to be on the Friday. They didn't attend the funeral. It was 3 hours away from where we live and all my family who may have otherwise helped look after the kids were also attending. They went to stay with friends we have near where FIL lived.

The school were fine with them being off.

I think the OP's kids' head teacher needs educating. Some common sense and compassion wouldn't go amiss.

Soditall · 26/04/2014 09:23

I've just lost my Mum,she passed on Sunday morning.It hadn't even occurred to me to ask for time of for the funeral.

I honestly couldn't give a fig about what any of our children's schools say I'm finding it hard enough to hold it together as it is and so are the children.

I'm really surprised at your children's schools reaction and disgusted I would make an official complaint.

Our oldest son had just started a new job and DH rang them to explain what had happened and they were amazing they told DH that our son could take as long as he needed and to just let them know when he was ready to go back in.

I'm so sorry for your loss,I hope yourself and your DC and your father all have plenty of support around you.

merrymouse · 26/04/2014 09:23

Whether or not a 6 year old should attend a funeral is irrelevant to the fact that if the rest of the family have travelled to attend a funeral and/or deal with the things that have to be done after somebody dies there may be nobody left at home to care for him.

Anyway agree about jobsworths and pressure on teachers. Clearly you are going to go to take your son to his grandmother's funeral whether or not the leave is authorised. However, there are a good and bad ways to handle the situation.

merrymouse · 26/04/2014 09:25

Clearly you should take your son to his grandmother's funeral whether or not the leave is authorised.

writtenguarantee · 26/04/2014 09:28

appalling. This situation in particular and the whole system in general.

Sorry to hear.

Gurnie · 26/04/2014 09:39

Another one in support of your plight op. So sorry about your loss.

I totally agree with Rabbit's point about HomeEd too. I started a thread about this a few weeks ago. The very odd situation where people HomeEd and are pretty much allowed to do whatever they like (I have several friends who do this and they are barely ever troubled by the authorities) and yet those of us who don't aren't even allowed to take our child out for a day or two. It is beyond ridiculous. Other posters said that if you send your children to state school this is part of the "contract" you agree to. I have signed no such contract and let's face it sending our kids to state school as opposed to Home Edding them isn't really a choice any more than using the NHS is a choice.

Anyway, I digress! Sorry! I hope you do contact both the press AND your M.P. This is beyond ridiculous. Obviously take the time that you and your family need OP.

Original poster

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 26/04/2014 10:06

Peeking I already said we will talk to the HT about it. DH just thought it was worth talking about with the governors as a general point of interest and would ask the chair if it was appropriate first. We won't be talking to newspapers and MP's- maybe if we do get a fine we would but not at this stage. I agree it's probably a red tape/jobsworth thing rather than anything else.

I'm sorry for your loss Soditall

Erica as others pointed out we will have to take DS whether or not he goes to the funeral as there is no one else to look after him. I don't need opinions about the suitability of taking my child to a funeral thanks.

OP posts:

edamsavestheday · 26/04/2014 10:13

Appalling. Letter explaining travel and supporting your Dad on your Mum's birthday. To governors - even if your dh is one (I used to be one, it's still important when you are acting as a parent not a gov,) to LEA and The Telegraph - which is read by Gove's team).

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/04/2014 10:31

In my work place in work with a lot older people.

It's not uncommon for people to be off at least a month or more for a death of a parent.

When my grandfather died I was doing my gcse mock exams and I was allowed to do these away from the exam hall and had extra time.

I don't see why children are not allowed to grieve and have to go to school.

ijustwanttobeme · 26/04/2014 10:45

Long tall Josie: because of the Easter bank holiday, we were unable to register the death till Wednesday 23/4. We went the same day to arrange the funeral. Due to the funeral being very hastily arranged so that my brother could attend, before returning to the US this am( Sat) we only had one day -the Thursday 24/4 to let the school know.

Please tell me why should I be a tad embarrassed?

Original poster

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 26/04/2014 10:49

I'm a tad more cross again now after looking at the school attendance policy on their website. The HT can authorise up to 10 days holiday let alone anything else! OK they haven't updated since the new rules but that's what it says

OP posts:

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