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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think going to a grandmother's funeral is exceptional circumstances

210 replies

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 15:42

My 6 year old's headteacher has refused to allow him authorised leave of absence to go to my mum's funeral as it isn't exceptional circumstances! She is going to recommend that we don't get a fine, though I don't know if her recommendation has to be acted on.

What is exceptional circumstances if a close relatives funeral doesn't count FFS?

OP posts:
ZingWatermelon · 26/04/2014 19:05

we took kids to both DH's aunt and our very dear NDN's funeral last year.

schools were very supportive and authorized all absences.

a grandparent's funeral IS exceptional circumstances and for the school to refuse leave is abominable.
I can't believe that in your time of grieving you'd have to worry about schools and fines - just shocking.

I'm so sorry for your loss Sad Thanks and I hope you get it the absences authorised soon.

big hugs

rabbitrisen · 26/04/2014 19:18

Very good point about the Head wouldnt miss her own grandmother's funeral. Of course she wouldnt!

Clutching at straws. Or perhaps she would if she didnt like her own grandmother? [that may be a silly thing to say, but people do react personally at times].

merrymouse · 26/04/2014 19:33

Maybe the head had a bit of an odd moment and was thinking of it as similar to attending the funeral of a grandparent as a childless adult where everything is organised by somebody else and you just have to turn up?

Itsfab · 26/04/2014 19:33

I am sorry for your loss SRPP Flowers.

Original poster
SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 26/04/2014 19:35

WeAreEternal I think I remember your thread- very sad.

The image of me in a loin cloth doing sad face in a newspaper has really cheered me up thanks!

I think I (politely but not in loincloth) told DS's teacher he will be away some of next week before I filled the leave form in actually. She was understanding and said something along the lines of 'no worries'.

For the moment I'll just ask the head for more information about why this has been turned down. I'm hoping her recommendation that we don't get a fine is listened to as pennies are very short ATM. Might have to go the sad face in the paper route then!

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 26/04/2014 20:34

thank you.

I couldn't believe that they actually went through with fining us and mark the day off as an unauthorised holiday on his permanent record.

This time around I know what to expect though so we are prepared for it.

They usually take a few months to issue the fine, so you have time to put money aside if you need to.

BeyondRepair · 26/04/2014 20:41

Glad I cheered you up op Grin.

The Head should authorise and be damned

This is what I would do as Head.

If anyone called into question my decision I would stand by a daughters right to go to her mothers funeral and take her children with her, to their grandmothers funeral. I would say it would be morally repugnant to take any other action than let a family attend grannies funeral.

We must stand up to this.

Merry yes of course, the HT may have got confused, there are a million things she could have got whilst saying this was not authorised.

she could also be a power crazed monster

However she has brought further stress on someone who has lost a parent. This is wrong, its morally wrong.

And Kafkaesque.

Nocomet · 27/04/2014 00:48

If I was sent a fine letter I'd send it straight to my MP. No way would I contemplate paying it.

Louise1956 · 27/04/2014 16:52

Ridiculous. Of course the child should be able to go to her grandmother's funeral. The school sounds absolutely crazy. Don't let them bully you.

GobbolinoCat · 27/04/2014 16:55

Same here nocomet with a note saying: is this what society we are becoming that a grandmothers funeral is held in such low esteem?

mummymeister · 27/04/2014 17:38

Gobbolino - I agree. I would like to know how this policy from Gove sits within other govt policies telling us about the importance of the family and how we should be more involved with the elderly. I just don't get it, I really don't. if your grandmothers funeral isn't exceptional circumstances then maybe this head teacher could give a list of what she considers to fall under this category. It is morally wrong but the only way to stop this is to tell our MP's and local media and make a fuss. when I wrote to my MP she said she had never heard of it causing problems and didn't think it was an issue. had she had 40 or 50 letters all saying the same then I am sure she would have felt differently.

Original poster
SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 28/04/2014 08:56

After a polite email to the head we got a phone call first thing this morning. It turns out we were mixed up with someone else who had asked for leave for a holiday! I suspect the head will be carefully checking what she signs for a while now Wink

Just as well I didn't try the newspaper sad face route Grin

OP posts:
Nocomet · 28/04/2014 09:02

I am very glad to hear that it's sorted, but the HT really should be able to read!

BumPotato · 28/04/2014 09:08

Glad it is sorted. Sorry about your mum.

OldVikingDudeHidMyTubeSocks · 28/04/2014 09:34

Glad it's sorted and i'm sorry for your loss. I remember having over a week off when my cousin was killed and then the next year having several weeks off because my step-granddad had died, my mum was the only available to sort through his belongings. As far as I know the school never even so much as commented!

Same kind of situation we lived 6+ hours away.

GobbolinoCat · 28/04/2014 10:02

Oh, they got you mixed up? Confused sounds like a good back down to me Wink anyway, glad its all sorted now!

merrymouse · 28/04/2014 10:02

I did think, given the 99.9999% on the thread that this was an exceptional circumstance that it was likely that there had been some kind of mix up!

merrymouse · 28/04/2014 10:03

'99.9999% agreement'.

GobbolinoCat · 28/04/2014 10:03

Thankfully a mix up Merry but still very sloppy practise.

Littleturkish · 28/04/2014 10:56

Sounds like a back track without wanting to lose face.

So pleased you can put this aside now and focus on yourself and you family.

Best wishes for the difficult time ahead.

mummymeister · 28/04/2014 11:00

sounds like the head teacher/some of the staff are on MN!! really pleased that this has been sorted OP but think they are hiding just a bit behind "we mixed you up with someone else" sorry but they shouldn't have done. very sloppy and uncaring practices but at least you got the right outcome.

Original poster
SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 28/04/2014 12:15

I think it's genuine unless she really is a MNetter as we emailed her yesterday evening and she rang up at 8am so not a lot of time to make something up! Mind you I'm a crap liar so usually assume everyone else is telling the truth.

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 28/04/2014 13:15

Brilliant news, at least that's off your mind now.

Thanks thoughts for the days ahead.

ZingWatermelon · 28/04/2014 13:37

phew, that's great news, but bloody hell that HT!
I hope she sincerely apologised!

all the best for the coming days and weeks, I wish you strength in your sadness and grieving for your mum.
Thanks

(big hugs)

kennyp · 28/04/2014 13:43

i'm a gov at my kids school and apparently the fines only kick in if you take 10 continuous days of unauthorised. i'm not sure if that differs from borough to borough but it's the case here.

the head says that the parents apparently don't know about the ten day rule though and think they'll be fined regardless if it's unauthorised. worth ringing the LA to see if that's true??