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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think going to a grandmother's funeral is exceptional circumstances

210 replies

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 15:42

My 6 year old's headteacher has refused to allow him authorised leave of absence to go to my mum's funeral as it isn't exceptional circumstances! She is going to recommend that we don't get a fine, though I don't know if her recommendation has to be acted on.

What is exceptional circumstances if a close relatives funeral doesn't count FFS?

OP posts:
therealeasterbunny · 25/04/2014 15:44

YANBU, that is absolutely awful.

Really sorry for your loss Thanks

chocolatemonster · 25/04/2014 15:46

Absolutely shocking!!

My dh died 4 yrs ago leaving me and the 3 dcs and it never ceases to amaze me how death/bereavement in the UK is swept under the carpet. They have a right to say goodbye and the school should acknowledge that.

Sorry for your loss.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2014 15:47

Sorry for your loss [thanks

How much time off were you asking for?

I can't see you getting a fine if the HT recommends that you don't, because the school attendance officers normally act on HT requests.

Anyway, you'd probably have grounds for appeal.

gertiegusset · 25/04/2014 15:47

I hate this shit, who do they think they are.
I would just go and I wouldn't pay a fine either.
Hope it doesn't upset you too much.

Rainicorn · 25/04/2014 15:48

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Head teacher is wrong not to authorise this absence. If you're feeling up to it, write a letter to the governors.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2014 15:49

Sorry the 'thanks' was supposed to be flowers! Flowers

almondcakes · 25/04/2014 15:49

YANBU. DS is in his GCSE year and he was given time off school to attend his grandmother's funeral.

Fayrazzled · 25/04/2014 15:51

I had to apply for permission for my two to attend my mum's funeral a few months ago but it was approved. I'd have been furious if it wasn't (although they would still have been regardless.) I certainly wouldn't have paid a fine though and I would have been willing for them to take me to court. How dare the State try to say children have no right to attend their grandmother's funeral.

500smiles · 25/04/2014 15:51

That is shocking, and how awful of them to add this stress to you at such a sad time

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 25/04/2014 15:53

When the new rule came in, DS's old Head rang the LEA to clarify what was termed as 'Exceptional Circumstances' and the told her basically it is bereavement. I'd be very cross in your position.

Abra1d · 25/04/2014 15:53

Good Lord, you wonder what goes through people's minds.

missmargot · 25/04/2014 15:54

My understanding is that the rules have been set by the government, not the schools, and I believe that they are so strict that the government only allows 5 days of non attendance after the death of a parent (or so a head teacher told me). Ridiculous.

TheRealMaryMillington · 25/04/2014 15:55

Sorry to hear about your mum

I would query this with your Head. I believe that funeral of a close relative is listed in the "exceptional circumstances" provided by govt. (could be wrong but seem to recall).

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 25/04/2014 15:56

Was so cross on your behalf that I didn't say how sorry I am about your Mum Flowers

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2014 15:56

How much time off did you request OP?

I'm wondering if the HT thought that unreasonable? You know like if you were asking for a whole week or something?

Longtalljosie · 25/04/2014 15:56

Write to The Times. Seriously. This is getting out of hand and politicians need to start answering for it. A journalist (I'm one) can see this and think that's outrageous - but can't quiz Michael Gove saying "I saw this thing on Mumsnet". Parents need to start going public about it or it won't stop.

bochead · 25/04/2014 15:58

Letter to the Govenors, Ofsted and the LA.

ffs that's crazy! Many children would be forever resentful of the school for preventing them from saying a proper goodbye. I'd take my child to the funeral as protecting their long term mental health is far more important than some jobsworths diktat. It's an absolutely critical part of the grieving process, which is why every culture in every part of the world has had some sort of funeral ritual since mankind came out of the swamp.

Tbh I'd also rethink whether this school was the right place for any child as their pastoral care needs a LOT of work.

Go if your are taken to court, pay the fine & never contribute to a cake sale ever again. I really worry that we are raising a generation that are going to be emotionally dysfunctional as adults as a result of Goves lunacy. I'm sorry you are faced with additional stress like this at such an awful time.

meditrina · 25/04/2014 15:58

Is the HT an utterly insensitive arse in other ways too?

The change in guidance was essentially the removal of the wording about holidays. There is no reason whatsoever to consider other events, such as funerals, any differently under new wording that under old.

Original poster
SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 16:00

I asked for 3 days with maybe an extra as it would be my mum's birthday then and my dad might need support. It is a 5 hour drive away so couldn't be done in a day. The letter didn't mention the amount of time.

Ironically my DH is one of the governors.

OP posts:
rabbitrisen · 25/04/2014 16:00

Appalling. Get your local media involved.

RiverTam · 25/04/2014 16:00

awful and ridiculous. Funerals are not something that happen at the weekend.

Your mother died. Your son's mother's mother. Not Great-Aunty Agnes twice removed.

My mum's 78 and if she died tomorrow damn right that would be exceptional and damn right I would take DD out of school (if she'd started yet, which she hasn't so slightly academic).

Really sorry for your loss and hope the school see sense.

rabbitrisen · 25/04/2014 16:01

Your DH being one of the Governors is going to complicate matters.

Which rules is your headteacher following.
Her school, or the lEA?

chocolatemonster · 25/04/2014 16:02

5 days of non attendance after the death of a parent?? That's outrageous! What is going to happen in 5 days? Mine had real separation anxiety after dh died and although they went back to school they did have days when they went in late. I also took them away for 3 days as felt we needed that time. No fine would have stopped me putting their emotional wellbeing first.

Floggingmolly · 25/04/2014 16:03

You asked for 4 days? Including a day for your mum's birthday? Fgs!

PoundingTheStreets · 25/04/2014 16:03

It's such a stupid rule that will do absolutely nothing to improve attendance figures.

People will simply not bother to put in requests and claim an inability to attend on the day.

What also bothers me is that this is a complete slap in the face for equality - given the diversity of relationships in modern-day Britain and the many family structures we have, who is to say that one person's GM isn't the same as another's actual mother? Or that a single parent who obviously will be attending her mother's funeral can organise things so that her child still attends school on that day?

SelfRighteous I'm ever so sorry for your loss and hope the funeral goes as well as can be expected. Thinking of you. Flowers