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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think going to a grandmother's funeral is exceptional circumstances

210 replies

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 15:42

My 6 year old's headteacher has refused to allow him authorised leave of absence to go to my mum's funeral as it isn't exceptional circumstances! She is going to recommend that we don't get a fine, though I don't know if her recommendation has to be acted on.

What is exceptional circumstances if a close relatives funeral doesn't count FFS?

OP posts:
BeyondRepair · 26/04/2014 16:07

You will ensure that as far as possible inconvenience to the school is minimised

I could never ever write those words in such a situation as this, when my beloved Mother had just passed away, to a school head.
Its kafka esq.

BeyondRepair · 26/04/2014 16:09
  • It's worth trying to treat people as though they are reasonable human beings because quite often they are

I do not understand your context here, are you refering to the head, who should be treating op as a reasonable human being who has lost a parent, or op, treating head who has said her mothers death is not an exceptional circumstance is reasonable ....

Confused
CuntyBunty · 26/04/2014 16:20

My condolences OP. I've a similar situation, but "one step removed", as in the DSs great grandmother died, so I am hoping the school do not see this as even less valid.

I took my 2 DSs out of school last week and did a 300 mile round trip to their great grandmother's funeral. Poor DH was 3 flights away and it was a hard day. I turned down the offer of a. Hotel room for the night from DHs lovely parents so that I only took them out for one day, not two.

I never take them for term time holidays, so if the HT doesn't sign authorising permission of absence retrospectively, I will go nuclear.

Good luck. Have you looked him/her in they eye and offered to show them the death certificate as proof? I am in one hell of a chippy mood this week.

merrymouse · 26/04/2014 16:46

I don't understand your point beyond repair. It is always polite to minimise inconvenience to other people as far as you can - sometimes this isn't possible but it is always the default position.

I am thinking less of the HT and more of the teacher who presumably has 29 other children to teach and support, any of whom may also be experiencing some kind of traumatic event. I wouldn't expect the OP to do anything, but it is polite to recognise other people. It would then be polite for the teacher to say "Oh no, don't worry, just concentrate on getting through the week, my thoughts are with you". That's not kafkaesque, it's just good manners.

Re: the head teacher, whatever her reason for not granting this leave of absence (she didn't understand the rules, she didn't understand the request, she was under pressure from somebody else, she is a complete bitch), people have a tendency to live up or down to your expectations and return your treatment of them in kind.

The OP can politely do what she thinks is the right thing to do regardless of what the head says or she can can have an argument. I would choose the first option.

LoveSardines · 26/04/2014 17:05

I also don't think that the OP should apologise to the school for the inconvenient timing of her bereavement.

Sounds like a really passive aggressive approach to me.

Also not sure why the OP should apologise to the form teacher because other children may be undergoing trauma, that is nonsensical.

LoveSardines · 26/04/2014 17:06

Also there is no way of "politely" breaking the rules and/or laws.

You abide by them or you don't.

The OP has been told that it is against the absence rules and thus the law for her to take her child away to the funeral. There is no "polite" way of breaking the law.

MrsNoodleHead · 26/04/2014 17:11

BeyondRepair - Why is the head in a difficult position? She has a power to approve up to 10 days' absence but chooses not to exercise it in this case.

MrsNoodleHead · 26/04/2014 17:18

Lovesardines – there is no absolute rule being broken. The OP would only be breaking the rules if she took her child out in circumstances which were not exceptional.

It is for the Head to determine what is exceptional, that's the discretion is not absolute: she may not exercise it irrationally or arbitrarily.

In this case, there is a very good argument that the Head's decision is irrational. In which case it is the Head, and not the OP, who is acting illegally.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:20

She doesn't have the power to authorise 10 days absence, it has been taken away from Heads- they haven't updated the information.
However, I wouldn't ask permission-I would simply inform them.
It isn't against the law to take your child to a close relative's funeral- the new rules were never designed to be draconian! People don't neatly die in school holidays!

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:21

The Head would go to her grandmother's funeral if it came up!

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:22

Sorry- the Head would go to her own grandmother's funeral if in term time.

LoveSardines · 26/04/2014 17:22

MrsNoodleHead the point I am making is that as it stands, OP will be breaking the law if she removes her child from school, and there is no way to break the law "politely" no matter what some posters might claim.

That aside, presumably if it is at the Head's discretion and there are no guidelines as to what "exceptional" means, then Head is within her right to refuse the time off.

LoveSardines · 26/04/2014 17:23

How much is the fine does anyone know?

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:24

I don't think that she is within her right, she would have to let a member of staff go.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:24

Take it up with your local paper and shame the school. Get in contact with your MP.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:27

I would break it 'politely'. I would write a letter saying ' Lucy will not be at school on Thursday, she will be attending her grandmother's funeral'.

Motherinlawsdung · 26/04/2014 17:30

I am sorry for your loss. And sorry that you are having to deal with this craziness at such a time.
We don't have this new absence system in Scotland. Thank goodness.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:33

It is completely wrong that you are dealing with such craziness at such a sad time. The school should be supporting you, they are generally very good in those sorts of circumstances. That is why I would name and shame, although I appreciate that you won't feel in a suitable state to take it on, which is why it is so wrong.

BeyondRepair · 26/04/2014 17:34

mrsnoodle

I dont know where I have written that the head is in a difficult postion, I dont think she is.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:34

I would go, pay the fine and then get it in the local paper.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:35

Of course she isn't in a difficult position. Everyone goes to a close family funeral.

waterlego6064 · 26/04/2014 17:36

Sorry to read this, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

As another poster said, I imagine it's the number of days that might be causing the problem, although that obviously can't be helped as you are having to travel a long way.

I took my children out of school for an afternoon to attend my mum's ashes interment. I had to write a letter but the school secretary assured me it was just a formality as she knew that the absence would be authorised and that a code for 'compassionate leave' would be entered on the register.

soverylucky · 26/04/2014 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WheresClare · 26/04/2014 17:45

Presumably you and your dh are both going to the funeral so what are you supposed to do - leave 6 YO at home on his own to get himself to school? Or are you not supposed to go to your own mums funeral either? Head is being totally unreasonable - let her refer you to Education Welfare if she wants - she's going to look like an arse. Poor you - last thing you need right now.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/04/2014 17:45

No one seems to be acknowledging the fact that the child is likely to be very upset! You can't leave a grieving child with friends for several days expecting them to trot off to school happily without feeling anything! Obviously no one close to the family can have the child, they will be at the funeral.