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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think going to a grandmother's funeral is exceptional circumstances

210 replies

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 15:42

My 6 year old's headteacher has refused to allow him authorised leave of absence to go to my mum's funeral as it isn't exceptional circumstances! She is going to recommend that we don't get a fine, though I don't know if her recommendation has to be acted on.

What is exceptional circumstances if a close relatives funeral doesn't count FFS?

OP posts:
BeyondRepair · 25/04/2014 18:45

SAME HERE SHEBIRD, my close family is 4 hours away I will go to court and every other media outlet there is.

monicalewinski · 25/04/2014 18:54

I am very sorry for your loss, and agree that a funeral is exceptional circumstances.

I do think it is the number of days requested though tbh. I took my boys out of school for their grandad's funeral earlier this year - It was an 8+ hour drive each way and we only kept them off for 2 days. (Travelled up after school, funeral next day, travelled back day after).

I understand why you would like longer, but I do think it is the number of days requested which has been viewed as the problem.

Regardless, it is an awful time for you and I hope it is sorted with no more upset. Thanks

shebird · 25/04/2014 19:11

I think an employer would consider 3 days off reasonable in these circumstances so a school should be the same. It is unreasonable to expect the OP to travel this distance, attend the funeral of her mother and dash back just to keep the schools attendance figures looking good. This is a time when extended family need to be together to grieve and support to one another and if that means missing a few days of PE and phonics so be it.

BeyondRepair · 25/04/2014 19:17

and what if op has to help organise the funeral too?

she has to go to funeral directors and flowers, and call councils re grave sites? organise catering up there? orders of service, go round churches....

in one night, one drive back up and down?

It was an 8+ hour drive each way and we only kept them off for 2 days.

Peekingduck · 25/04/2014 19:19

Nooo! Your DH should absolutely not bring this up at the next governors meeting. If the meeting is run properly by the Chair of Governors and Clerk they would actually stop him and tell him that as a parent he should follow the same complaints procedure as any other parent.
Governors meetings should be strategic. Your DH is a member of the governing body and such he shares corporate responsibility for setting the attendance policy that the Head is applying. To expect that the governors would discuss the policy, letter, your circumstances at a governors meeting is to suggest that he tries to abuse his position as a governor.
If you're not happy dig out the complaints procedure (which obviously your DH will have, as he has had to take part in reviewing and ratifying it annually) and follow it. It may be that when your complaint is reviewed it will be decided that the governors' attendance policy, or the Head's decision actually needs to be changed. What your DH must not do is attempt to exploit his position as a school governor to deal with an issue relating to his relationship with the school as a parent.

BeyondRepair · 25/04/2014 19:21

peking when ever I see your name you make me fancy peking duck

Peekingduck · 25/04/2014 19:23

p.s. You might find a newspaper happy to take up the story and print photos of you all with sad faces. An MP or the Local Authority however would just refer your complaint back to where it should initially be made - the Headteacher.

The complaints procedure will tell you to complain to the Head, then if not happy the Chair of Governors, and if need be a panel of governors would be set up. Last stage is the DfE.
Your husband has to remove himself from any discussion relating to your complaint, although in practice they shouldn't discuss it at meetings anyway, but come fresh to it if they are on the panel. Another aspect of this is that if he starts discussing it with other governors he will "taint" the whole governing body and they will be unable to form a panel to deal with it properly if need be.

BeyondRepair · 25/04/2014 19:25

MP might refer back to head but if MP has sympathy with op and takes up her complaint and letter gets written, believe me, people JUMP when MP gets involved.

Peekingduck · 25/04/2014 19:50

Honestly, MP's are very good at writing supportive letters, but unless the person complaining has first given the school the chance to change the decision first - by following the correct procedure - they don't actually DO anything. Just cc their letter to the Head... It's generally much quicker to just make a formal complaint. Very simple too.

shebird · 25/04/2014 20:01

It is just awful that anyone should have to consider going through all of this at at an already stressful time. Makes me so angry.

Quoteunquote · 25/04/2014 20:08

Please don't underestimate how much time to take the children out of school,

I suspect that you will find that you will not want to leave your dad, I had to leave quite quickly (couple of days after mum died) , I really regret it, because Dad really need me there,

In the run up to the funeral, time is structured, and there are tasks to attend to, it hit Dad hard afterwards, as well as myself and siblings,

I am sorry that this head teacher, has such limited life experience, that she has added to your stress,

Do not allow anyone to pressurise you into any time limits, it is really important that you give yourself what ever time you need in which ever location is appropriate.

Make sure that all the staff at the school get appropriate training, in order to prevent any future inappropriate actions, contact the local Cruse Bereavement Care they will come in and do a training day for the staff, as they should not be this unaware.

BeyondRepair · 25/04/2014 20:16

Peeking,

You do agree though that any letter of whiff of interest in a case from an MP gets things moving?

I also agree with previous poster that scenarios like this should be reported back to the powers that be, which is the MP.

I have personal experience of many many times when an MP's letter cuts out the middle man, the paper shuffler and gets things done. ASAP.

THE HEAD would have to write to the MP to explain their de cion. Explaing ones stance to the MP puts rather more pressure on the HT than writing to the lowly parent.

NorthLDNgal · 25/04/2014 20:20

That is terrible. She needs to be reported.

So sorry for your loss.

BeyondRepair · 25/04/2014 20:20

Agree Quote, who is supposed to organise the funeral, they do not just happen and they can be large affairs, people need food, drink, speeches to write? Dates to track down for time line, personal anecdotes, the Eulogy, photos to be printed off to display at the funeral and afterwards...the wake...accommodation and so on...

BeyondRepair · 25/04/2014 20:21

so insulting.

LoveSardines · 25/04/2014 20:33

If your 6yo isn't allowed to go, who do they expect to care for him/her while you are at the funeral?

Is the expectation that you or your partner or another relative will stay at home to do that, and not go to the funeral?

I don't understand this at all.

Musicaltheatremum · 25/04/2014 20:43

My children's head let them have two days off to go to the funeral of a really close friend who died aged 41. He died of a brain tumour which my own husband was suffering from at the time so it was very hard for the children as they knew this would happen to their dad eventually and it did, 4 years later. (The children were 13 and 15 at this time) I was so grateful to the head.
Your head is being an idiot. Your son is 6, hardly going to miss anything at school but old enough to remember his grandmother.

Musicaltheatremum · 25/04/2014 20:48

We are terrible with bereavement in this country. When my work colleague lost his son to suicide he was off for 4 months. He was trying to get cover from his locum insurance company to pay for his replacement (we're GPs) but they said bereavement wasn't an illness. It isn't but the effects of it are. Not sure how he got round it in the end, I think his GP wrote a snotty letter but he was not fit to work and I wouldn't allow him near the place.

Original poster
SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 25/04/2014 21:33

Peeking my DH wasn't going to bring it up as a complaint, just to clarify what constitutes exceptional circumstances and obviously he would declare an interest. He hasn't been a governor long though so he'll tread carefully.

TBF to the head she said she'd recommend we didn't get a fine so presumably expects us to take DS out anyway. I just can't understand what the rules are for granting leave Confused

OP posts:
mummymeister · 25/04/2014 22:48

OP its not really the heads decision to recommend a fine or not. her decision is whether or not to grant this leave as exceptional circumstances. that is her job - to decide whether it is or it isn't. by not granting it she has decided that in her opinion this is not an exceptional circumstance. saying she "wont recommend a fine" is neither here nor there. if she thought you shouldn't be fined then she should be approving the leave in the first place. By not approving the leave she really leaves the LEA with little option but to fine. whether they do or not depends on their policy which, once again is different wherever you live - another post code lottery. this law is having a real effect on families at a terrible time. we should all be lobbying for clarity. even if you don't agree that the law should be changed everyone has to agree that situations like this should never arise. Please everyone who is reading this post in disbelief, please e mail your MP tomorrow and copy in Mr Gove and the PM. I will be doing it (again) and the more of us that do the more likely that common sense will break out. as for your h/t OP I hope she is on MN and is reading this and realises how heartless and unsupportive she is being.

Peekingduck · 25/04/2014 23:14

Op, the HT should clarify what constitutes exceptional circumstanced for you and DH as parents. Just ask. It's not appropriate for him to wait and ask at a governors' meeting. That is not what governors' meetings are for. (I hope your DH has been given some training on the role of being a governor, some governing bodies are a bit slack about making sure that happens).
Having said that, you and DH probably need only ask for a copy of the Attendance Policy and read it for you to understand the reason for this absence being unauthorised.

The thing that is sometimes a bit frustrating about threads like this is the over-reaction. Let's look at the facts -you have had a decision from the school that you are unhappy about. That's it so far, just a decision that doesn't seem fair. So, rather than going into overdrive writing to MP's and having sad face photos taken for the press... Why not just get in touch with the school and ask if you can have a brief appointment with the HT, or even the Family Liaison Officer or similar, so that they can explain? At this stage they haven't even had a chance to reconsider have they?

It's difficult sometimes for parent governors to get to grips with situations where they feel at odds with the operational management of the school. The answer is to ask themselves whether it is an issue that any parent could face, or is it a situation that only applies to a school governor. If, as this is, it is a situation that any parent might face, then they deal with the school on that basis. And the school should deal with them as they would any other parent. Parent governors wear two hats.

Preciousbane · 25/04/2014 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mineallmine · 25/04/2014 23:48

I teach in Ireland and am of the aghast at some of the threads on MN about absences from school in the UK. Here, a child's absences are recorded under 5 (or 6?) categories and only absences more than 20 days are reported to the Dept of Ed and nothing is done even if there are more than 20 days absent

This is truly dreadful and only adds to the stress for your family at this terrible time. I'm very sorry for you loss.

allisgood1 · 25/04/2014 23:48

YANBU. Mine was authorized for 2 weeks when we had to return to the US for MY grandparents funeral. The head teacher is out of line.

So sorry for your loss Hmm

littledrummergirl · 25/04/2014 23:56

When my fil died late on a fri we dashed 3hrs away to be with mil &sil. I phoned the school on the monday and told them dcs wouldnt be in for a few days and why.
It never occurred to me that I was was supposed to ask for permission. Hmm
Their end of year reports have never shown unauthorised absence.
Sorry for your loss op. Thanks