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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wait to have children?

38 replies

MidlandsGirl80 · 17/04/2014 14:49

I'm 34, in a strong relationship of 1.5 years with another woman. So far, so good. Very happily lesbian, have always been so.

I would really like to have children. My partner would also like to have children. We both know that if we had children together I would carry the child. We'd do anonymous donor insemination.

I wanted to ask the wise women of Mumsnet for advice.

Before we had a baby, we'd need to sell one of our flats, move in together properly, probably get married. I also think ideally we'd have been together a bit longer.

As I say, I'm 34. AIBU to wait to TTC?

OP posts:
MyFeetAreCold · 17/04/2014 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverythingCounts · 17/04/2014 15:00

You say it's a strong relationship and that you both want children. Why wait? You can get married as soon as you like now. I would go for it. Is there something at the back of your mind that makes you unsure?

Original poster
MidlandsGirl80 · 17/04/2014 15:20

Thanks MyFeetAreCold. I'm usually a pretty rational person, but those questions hadn't even occurred to me! Really good basis for a conversation with DP. Fwiw, loads of friends have adopted, and we'd both be up for that too if DI didn't work.

EverythingCounts - thank you. Nothing is making me unsure, I just worry that I'm rushing into something as we've only been together 1.5 years. So jealous of people who found the person they wanted to spend their life with in their mid-20s...

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 17/04/2014 15:24

There is never a right time to have children. You will never be "ready" or have "enough money" etc. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and believe that everything will be OK.

Fertility drops off like cliff in your late 30s. If you want to have more than one child with a sane age (ie. at least 2 years!) gap you need to get on with having your first asap.

TheOneAndOnlyAlpha · 17/04/2014 15:26

I would go to the doctors for a full mot as it were then look into success rates for ai. Well informed is a good way to be I reckon! Good luck!

Gen35 · 17/04/2014 15:33

Of course yanbu whatever but consider the child's perspective - the older you are the more likely they'll have developmental issues or sn even if you don't have a long struggle to conceive and you'll have less energy the older you get. Waiting up to a year, I'd say was ok assuming you only want one, more than that well it's not something I'd do but many people do. And if you want the option of a second dc you need to consider that too.

vestandknickers · 17/04/2014 15:42

Why wait? You're in a stable, loving relationship and you both want children. Sounds perfect to me!

It makes me nervous when people wait for the perfect moment because that moment might never come. There might always be something to do first and with each year that passes you may have less chance of conceiving.

Good luck whatever you decide. It sounds as if you have exciting times ahead!

Chunderella · 17/04/2014 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MidlandsGirl80 · 17/04/2014 16:24

Wonderful women of Mumsnet: thank you! I have lurked on this board for years, chuckling and nodding at the sage advice. Thank you so much for responding with kindness & generosity and flagging things I wouldn't have thought of.

I am going to make sure me and DP sit down and have a proper conversation and make a plan together - whatever we decide. Thanks for all your good wishes!

OP posts:
Chunderella · 17/04/2014 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soaccidentprone · 17/04/2014 16:40

I conceived ds1 at 29, then ds2 was a surprise when I was 35. My IUD had fallen out, no idea when.

A friend of mine had dc1 at 37, then took started trying for dc2 a year later. It took 2 1/2 years for them to conceive dc2.

So you may be lucky, but it may take you a while to conceive (if you do - sorry to be so bluntHmm). I honestly would not put it off for too long. You hear about lots of women having children later in life, but you don't hear about the ones who don't conceive. Unlike men we are very much at the mercy of hormones and body clocks.

And having ds1 at 29 and ds2 at 35, I had so much more energy etc when I was slightly younger (or whether that was just having the one child), plus ds2 was not a good sleeper. I think he was about 5 before he regularly slept through the night! But don't let that out you off. Ds2 if still (at 12) very loving and cuddly. He still sits on my knee and (sometimes) holds my hand in pubic. He is still smaller than me though by about 7 inches.

I would try to organise your life sooner rather than later, so that you are at the stage you want to be to have children. It doesn't have to be exactly as you want it, sometimes just good enough is enough.

Good luck with whatever you decide Smile

PicaK · 17/04/2014 17:10

Start looking into it. Do u have a donor friend lined up? Do u know how much official donor sperm is out there - not a lot!

Again. I waited until all the ducks were lined up. And then had 6 years of waiting.

To be blunt, you are old. Get on with it.

PicaK · 17/04/2014 17:11

Oooh. Not to old to be thinking of having a baby iykwim but an older mother with increased risks.

SlimJiminy · 17/04/2014 17:22

I know what you mean about being jealous about couples who met when they were in their 20s. I feel like that too. Have only known DH 2 years but we're now happily married and ttc. We're in our early 30s. I never talked ttc in other relationships because it was never on the cards. With DH we discussed it very early on. It just seemed so normal. Comfortable. Inevitable.

If you're both in agreement/have the same vision for your future then there's absolutely no reason why you couldn't get married/move in together/ttc now. Sounds like you both want that. Maybe you could look into renting out one of your flats (the smaller one?) for an extra income?

FWIW I know someone who started using a donor to conceive at 37 (she's single). Five years later and at 42, she's still ttc and we're all trying to convince her not to give up hope. Doesn't have to be that way for you, but worth considering? It might not happen overnight. Will you regret not starting sooner if you wait just because you wanted to rack up a few more years of your relationship? And believe me, when you're ttc, every month feels like an eternity so even just a few months of it could will definitely drive you mad!

Original poster
MidlandsGirl80 · 17/04/2014 17:23

Thanks everyone.

And, PikaK - we'll go to the States for donor sperm - UK is too hard to access, and don't want an involved dad and all the complications that brings so won't ask a friend.

OP posts:
InOtherNews · 17/04/2014 17:23

Am also gay and it took us a while to decide on the right path for us, i.e look into, explore and rule out the different options for same sex couples. There's a lot to think about for gay couples too and some of our opinions/choices changed the more we looked into it. Agree with you too op - some very sage advice on here! Good luck with whatever you decide.

InOtherNews · 17/04/2014 17:24

Sorry x post - sounds like you're already aware of a lot of the issues!

eurochick · 17/04/2014 17:28

I agree with those raising age concerns. We started ttc at 34. I finally got pregnant a month before I turned 38, after our 4th round of IVF. All our tests were normal so going for an MOT won't rule out you being in the third of subfertile couples who are "unexplained". You might be lucky and hit the jackpot first time, but you need to be prepared for it taking a while.

BTW, we were already living together, but in the year I was 34, we got engaged, married and started ttc, so you can move things along if you want to.

eurochick · 17/04/2014 17:30

Oh and on going to the US for a donor, have you considered how that would work if it takes several goes (we finally got lucky on our 38th cycle of tcc...)? Would you travel back and forth each month at ovulation time? Have you considered the disruption and cost?

DieselSpillages · 17/04/2014 17:31

It depends on whether you will be happy with one child or maybe want to have another later on.

RiverTam · 17/04/2014 17:40

with regard to getting married before, we got married when DD was 16 months old and it was lovely having her as part of our wedding, and although she doesn't remember it she talks about being at Mummy and Daddy's wedding and is in the photos. So getting married after can be just as lovely!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 17/04/2014 17:41

well tbh if you are right for each other then settling down together, marriage etc will feel right. children is always a tricky one, there never is a right time when you over think things, always a reason why we want 'longer' 'more stability' 'more money' 'more time as a couple' etc etc. if you are right for each other and you want children to bring up together then you need to examine what it is that is holding you back. When I met DH I just knew somehow that I wanted him in my life forever and to have his kids, we did not hang around very long, married after 18 months, baby as soon as we were able to conceive (took two years and 3 lost little ones) but we were right together and still are. good luck.

2blackcats2 · 17/04/2014 17:47

Mumsnet is strange at times. I am 2 years younger than OP, haven't met a man, but am told I've loads of time Hmm

Either the OP has time or she hasn't?

Gen35 · 17/04/2014 18:20

Tbh, I've got friends who've had brilliantly healthy dc at 43 and others like me who struggled ttc at 28 so like everything individual luck is a huge factor BUT all the research shows the older you get, the less lucky you are likely to be and the less lucky your child is likely to be. Like everything, you balance the risks you can. Sorry 2blackcats to hear you haven't met your special person yet, I hope you'll be like some of my friends who have met someone late in their 30s.

Burren · 17/04/2014 19:17

Yes, go to your GP, check out your reproductive health insofar as you can, rates of insemination success for various ages etc. And as others have said, think through the various scenarios - how would you feel if you couldn't conceive? How would you feel if you had a child together and subsequently broke up - does the idea of co-parenting a child while no longer being a romantic couple still feel like something you would want to do?

As someone who had her only child at almost forty in a very longterm relationship, I can say that it was still a strain on us as a couple, despite conceiving first time of trying, an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby, but if you're sure you want this, you need to weigh up the benefits of a longer and more settled relationship against being able to have a child. Which you know, obviously - all I'm saying is that your concerns aren't unjustified.

You sound admirably together, and you already know you would be the one to carry the baby, which has caused difficulty and delays for lesbian friends of mine. Best wishes.