AIBU to wait to have children?

[MidlandsGirl80]

I'm 34, in a strong relationship of 1.5 years with another woman. So far, so good. Very happily lesbian, have always been so.

I would really like to have children. My partner would also like to have children. We both know that if we had children together I would carry the child. We'd do anonymous donor insemination.

I wanted to ask the wise women of Mumsnet for advice.

Before we had a baby, we'd need to sell one of our flats, move in together properly, probably get married. I also think ideally we'd have been together a bit longer.

As I say, I'm 34. AIBU to wait to TTC?

I waited till I had all the ducks lined up, started TTC at 35. Took 18 months to conceive a pregnancy that went to term (two miscarriages first). Then another miscarriage before another FT pregnancy. We were lucky, but if I had my time again I would have started sooner (I was with DH from age 30, but we were busy changing jobs, moving house, getting married). I have many friends who have had babies in their 40s, but the longer you leave it the more difficult it may be.

Yes, please do consider how you will handle the sperm donation if needed more than once. I never though MCs would happen to me, sadly they are all too common.

You are not being unreasonable to wait, it is ofcourse yours and your dp choice.

me and my dp started ttc quite soon after meeting, I had known him for a while before and I felt like he was a nice person to be a co-parent with even if our relationship didn't work out.

I was only in my 20s but I really felt like I was ready to be a mum.

I would ask yourself if you would want a child regardless of relationship status and if you would be ok to take the slight risk of the relationship breaking down if your dp someone who you would be happy to co-parent with without being in a relationship.

To be blunt if you wait another year or 2 and the relationship doesn't work and you then wait a while, then get into a new relationship and then want to wait a few years before ttc with a future partner to make sure the relationship is solid then that really might be leaving it too late.

marriage for me isn't a priority, is there differing rules for same sex partners, would your partner have different rights to the child if you were married?

Best of luck with whatever you decide!

As someone who has suffered the pain of infertility, I day please don't wait.

Looking back I would have started earlier, marriage and buying flats etc are all smaller things.

I didn't wait TTC I was 12 weeks pregnant when we got married.
Crack on with it.

My friend and her lesbian partner have a child who is nearly 2. Their child was conceived in a donor insemination (DIY) when she was 33, second time lucky after the first attempt ended in a miscarriage. They wanted the child's father to be known to him so he knew where he had come from. But I think he takes a back seat.

I don't think there's any reason for you to wait any longer.

You will probably take more than one try to get a bfp. Then there's the chance of miscarriage. Then if you want a sibling. Time slips away fast.

my sister waited till she was 38. She's now having ivf and wishes she'd started a family ten years ago. Don't wait.

We used donor sperm from ab American clinic. You basically order a few vials of the samples and the clinic over here stores it for you, if that's the way you're going. They make sure it's all washed and screened before insemination. We were told we still needed to use open identify donors even if from America to comply with the laws over here. Good luck OP and hope it works as well for you as it did for us (two beautiful DDs from the same donor)

What age is your partner?

Another idea would be to use her egg and you carry the baby?

Either way, I probably wouldn't wait. 34 is quite young but I'm just hearing if too many stories lately of people who waited and later discovered that it was too late.

Best of luck.

*hearing OF too many people

The other thing that may be worthwhile is to get an ovarian reserve test. They are able to measure a hormone (antimullerian?) to show what your egg reserves are like. Not by any means a golden ticket, but for a couple of hundred quid it could give you an indication - if the result is low it might prompt you to crack on earlier rather than later.