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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to expect a discussion about this?

45 replies

Abruzzo · 04/04/2014 22:23

I have just found out that DH has renewed his football season ticket without discussing it with me. I am annoyed because I think that something like this should be discussed and agreed, not just assumed. It's more of an issue now because we are due to have a second DC in October.

To be honest, I would probably have agreed that he should continue to go, as it would make him really miserable not to. I'm just angry because I feel that it's taken for granted that for a significant number of Saturdays he will be out for what normally turns out to be a good chunk of the day. I wouldn't dream of spending that amount of money (about £400 I think) or assuming I could plan to go out every other weekend without a conversation.

I told him, calmly, that i am surprised and dissapointed that he didn't think I had any right to be consulted on this. He's now really angry with me. He says that if I don't agree to/understand that he needs to do this I don't know him very well. AIBU?

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 04/04/2014 22:24

How would he react if you spent £400 on an annual membership for something you like and went there for a few hours each Sunday leaving him with the kids? Out of interest?

Original poster
Abruzzo · 04/04/2014 22:30

Good question Nice. When I've complained about the amount of time the football takes before he has always said I should arrange to do something, and to be fair, he's always fine on the occasions that I do. The thing is he knows that I wouldn't arrange something regular because if I did we would be spending the weekend on 'shifts' and not have any real time together as a family.

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 04/04/2014 22:32

I think I'd do it anyway to be honest. But them I'm a bit like that Grin

IMO yes he should have discussed it with you. Especially given that the answer was going to be yes! And when you pointed it out he should have said oh shit whoops sorry I'll talk to you next time / the next thing and you would have said OK fine. Angry is not a good response.

LEMmingaround · 04/04/2014 22:34

He sounds like a selfish arse, doesn't he want to spend time with his family?

MrsBungle · 04/04/2014 22:35

I don't think yabu to expect the courtesy of a discussion about it. My dh has a season ticket too (for home games). We have 2 dc's and I don't begrudge it as it's his only hobby, he had it years before he ever met me and he always ensures that he does his share of child-care, school-runs etc. I still think it warrants the courtesy of a discussion however.

Pumpkinpositive · 04/04/2014 22:37

I wouldn't dream of spending that amount of money (about £400 I think) or assuming I could plan to go out every other weekend without a conversation.

Well, maybe you should.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 04/04/2014 22:42

If it's something he's had for several years and you can afford it, then YABU, why wouldn't he renew automatically? It is allowed for people to have hobbies even when you're married.

CatThiefKeith · 04/04/2014 22:44

£400? Mine was over £1000 when I gave it up 3 years ago. Who does he support out of interest?

Thing is though op it's not just the season ticket is it?

In my case it was £20 on train fares, couple of quid for a programme, nearly a tenner for a pie and a hot drink at half time, plus the inevitable couple of beers before and after the game..... Around £50 every other Saturday, plus Champions League games, Cup ties etc.

Was probably more like 3k each year, and I just couldn't justify the money or indeed the time once dd arrived.

Yanbu, he is. Can you compromise by him selling his seat occasionally to a mate, or does his club do a ticket exchange system?

allalongthewatchtower · 04/04/2014 22:45

Go and join the David Lloyd or something. I know you're pg but there's still loads of stuff you can do there.

Original poster
Abruzzo · 04/04/2014 22:46

I think it's what mrsbungle says, I expect the courtesy of a discussion about it. And I don't think my saying so warrants an angry response.

OP posts:
TheHouseCleaner · 04/04/2014 22:48

Does he pay for it? Out of his earnings? If the answer is yes then YABU. You have equal opportunity to spend that sort of money on your hobbies and to take a similar amount of time pursuing them. There's nothing unfair or one sided about it. He's a grown man, it's something he does yearly, it shouldn't come as a surprise and he shouldn't need to ask permission to renew his season ticket, which is pretty much what you seem to want him to do.

Original poster
Abruzzo · 04/04/2014 22:51

An angry response from DH - didn't mean you shakesbooty! I actually agree that it's good for people who are married to have separate interests, just that decisions about time and money implications should be shared.

I love all the suggestions that I should swan off and do something myself. I'm going to google how much it costs and calm down by thinking about what I might do.

OP posts:
TheVeryBusySpider · 04/04/2014 22:55

Yanbu,

I think you need to ask whether he would be happy for you to spend this amount of money and time away from home without consultation.

If the answer is no, then he is being a selfish arse.

parakeet · 04/04/2014 22:55

Re the money, in our marriage we have a loose agreement that we should consult each other on any personal spends over about £200 (other than essentials eg car insurance). Maybe you should agree something similar with your partner, although I'm sure other people's limits might need to be higher or lower depending on their disposable income level.

If you have it agreed the limit in advance, then it's clear whether or not he should have discussed it with you.

The time it takes up is another issue, but if he had a season ticket last year, and this is not your first child, I can understand him assuming it would be OK this year.

MrsBungle · 04/04/2014 22:56

Abruzzo - totally agree, it warrants a courtesy check that you're still ok with it. My dh is always saying I should swan off and do such and such! I'm just waiting for the day that he has to take both dc's with him - then I shall become a lady that lunches of a Saturday afternoon and gets pissed with my friends

NiceTabard · 04/04/2014 22:57

Housecleaner with one DC and another on the way, surely families at least talk about and possibly revisit things like spending large amounts of time away from the home frequently at weekends.

When I met DH I used to go out to the pub about 3 nights a week and clubbing at least once at the weekend. Since we have had children this hobby has been revisited.

That's a kind of normal evolution isn't it? Anyone who thinks that they can carry on exactly as they did before without even a conversation when children come along is either selfish or thick surely.

MrsBungle · 04/04/2014 23:00
TheHouseCleaner · 04/04/2014 23:05

But NiceTabard, it's not as if it's a new hobby or a first child. The OP's DH isn't carrying on just as he was before they had children. The practice is established. The season ticket buying took place last year as well as this and the OP and her DH were not without offspring then.

It all seems to be a bit churlish and controlling to me. The OP has said that she "probably would have agreed", which gets my hackles up because she's making it sound like her adult husband needs permission to spend his own wages while making it apparent that the cost and the attendance at matches isn't so much of an issue.

AskBasil · 04/04/2014 23:05

There are 2 ways to interpret the angry response IMO

  1. He's an entitled arse who thinks you have no right to question him on spending a significant amount of family money on a hobby which brings no benefit to the family as a whole and in fact, dumps childcare responsibilities on you
  1. He knows you're right and is feeling defensive and guilty so reacts with anger.

Number 2 is unacceptable but forgiveable. Number 1 is a LTB issue.

I think he needs to agree that you are entitled to spend £400 on a hobby that doesn't bring any benefit to anyone else in the family but you and which entails him looking after the kids while you do it.

AskBasil · 04/04/2014 23:07

2 children is very, very different from 1.

Everyone who has more than 1 child knows that and people who don't, should guess.

He should have re-visited the issue.

NiceTabard · 04/04/2014 23:07

Additional children require no additional thought or effort?

I have found 2 to be much more work than one.

How many children would she need to have before her DH should have a think about maybe checking whether it is OK to leave her to look after them on her own frequently at the weekends for a good few hours? 6? 10?

Controlling? Honestly.

TheHouseCleaner · 04/04/2014 23:07

Thinking about it, the OP's husband, if he was carrying on as he was before they had children, would probably be booking flights abroad for European cup matches and close-season tours, not just a season ticket for home games! Grin

NiceTabard · 04/04/2014 23:11

Also

So the DH gets to carry on behaving as he did before he had kids becasue he never stopped and thought about it.

The DW has undoubtedly changed her lifestyle due to pregnancy, after-effects of birth, possibly BF, being on mat leave and primary carer etc etc and because she stopped whatever it was she has forfeited her right to do it.

Riiiight.

TheHouseCleaner · 04/04/2014 23:12

It appears that the OP has the opportunity to spend a similar sum and a similar amount of time on a hobby which may not bring anything to the family unit. She doesn't choose to do it (although I would!) but that doesn't mean that her DH is "an entitled arse" for taking up the option himself.

(Contrary to popular belief, yes, I do know about the amount of work generated by being a parent to more than one child Wink )

AskBasil · 04/04/2014 23:14

So if you know about the extra work generated by an extra child, you're aware that the adults' habits may need to be re-visited.

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