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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to expect a discussion about this?

45 replies

Abruzzo · 04/04/2014 22:23

I have just found out that DH has renewed his football season ticket without discussing it with me. I am annoyed because I think that something like this should be discussed and agreed, not just assumed. It's more of an issue now because we are due to have a second DC in October.

To be honest, I would probably have agreed that he should continue to go, as it would make him really miserable not to. I'm just angry because I feel that it's taken for granted that for a significant number of Saturdays he will be out for what normally turns out to be a good chunk of the day. I wouldn't dream of spending that amount of money (about £400 I think) or assuming I could plan to go out every other weekend without a conversation.

I told him, calmly, that i am surprised and dissapointed that he didn't think I had any right to be consulted on this. He's now really angry with me. He says that if I don't agree to/understand that he needs to do this I don't know him very well. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Abruzzo · 04/04/2014 23:18

Thanks for all the replies. its really helpful to get others perspective on this. I really don't think I'm controlling, I'm pretty relaxed about most things. I don't see it as seeking permission, I see it as agreeing how we spend our lives together. I just think that the first year or so with a new baby can be hard work and that we should work out together how we're going to go about it. I admit that I have a bit of a thing about making sure that the weekend has a significant amount of family time. We both work full time and I want to make sure we have time to do stuff all together as a family.

OP posts:

NiceTabard · 04/04/2014 23:19

I think you sound perfectly reasonable abruzzo

What are you going to do? What hobbies / activities did you take part in before the children? Is there anything you miss? Or even want to do?

DoJo · 04/04/2014 23:23

TheHouseCleaner You have equal opportunity to spend that sort of money on your hobbies and to take a similar amount of time pursuing them. There's nothing unfair or one sided about it.

But if you have the shared responsibility of raising a child, then he's not just committing himself to that time out of the house, but he's effectively committing the OP to spending that time looking after their child by herself. So she doesn't have equal opportunity, as she can now not pursue any hobby solo while he is out, and if she wants to spend time with both her husband and their children then she has to sacrifice time spend alone in order to do so. I think that where the money comes from is a pretty poor way to judge the fairness of his actions - should the OP just 'accept' anything he wants to do, no matter how much it impinges on any plans she might like to make, just because he can pay for it out of money he's earned?

EverythingCounts · 04/04/2014 23:27

Him saying he 'needs to do this' and you are supposed to understand is a concern. It's not a need. It's a personal interest. It being a 'need' pushes you and the kids down the priority list, behind 'stuff I like to do on the weekend'.

Original poster

Abruzzo · 04/04/2014 23:27

Realistically I'm not going to take up anything that's a regular commitment, but I might just make the effort to arrange more shopping and lunch type stuff. Also start running again to shift all the 'beige food' I've been troughing in the first trimester!

OP posts:

NiceTabard · 04/04/2014 23:35

Do it. Do all those things. You can run twice a week and leave him to do bath/bed (work patterns allowing).

And organise to meet friends for a long lunch / take yourself off to the shops or whatever floats your boat every other Sunday for a few hours.

NiceTabard · 04/04/2014 23:35

Sounds lovely

dreamingbohemian · 04/04/2014 23:38

I strongly agree that people should maintain their hobbies and 'me time' after DC, and I'm a big football fan as well. But YANBU. I will never understand how people can say 'he doesn't need your permission', when he's committing to something that requires you to be at home with DC every other Saturday. How on earth can you just expect someone to be okay with that without checking.

AskBasil · 05/04/2014 10:37

If it were the other way round and you had committed to go to a dancing class every week on a saturday which meant your DH would have to look after the kids and you had signed up for that without asking him first, I don't think anyone would be telling you you didn't need his permission.

They would think that given that it's his time and labour you're committing to that saturday, you should have discussed it with him first.

Barbaralovesroger · 05/04/2014 10:57

Well I recon you can run 3 times a week as your time out. I think it is healthy to have time to yourself but he must expect to miss a fair number of matches in the first couple if months or take his eldest child with him temporarily.

Kelpie1975 · 08/04/2014 10:34

Tbh, and despite the reasonable tone, this feels a bit controlling. He's renewing an existing season ticket, not making a new commitment.

It seems to me that if you want to change the arrangement, it's your responsibility to raise the issue. It's not about him getting something for himself without consulting you. It's about him giving up something he already has. That might be necessary, but you should look at it in that way.

Think about your motivation? Is it just that you expect to be consulted? Or in your heart-of-hearts do you think he should be giving up the ST to spend more of the weekend at home, but you feel unreasonable asking for that, so have landed your frustration on the consultation point. It feels a bit passive-aggressive, tbh.

Why not make an arrangement for yourself on the weekends his team is away? (Unless he's off to away games too, which would feel a bit one-sided!)

Everyone needs a release, and this is your DH's. Find one for yourself, too.

I can understand why giving up a long-term interest that takes up one afternoon a fortnight would feel a bit constricting. It's not unreasonable to want that to be accommodated - for both of you! And it's not unreasonable of him to assume he could continue to do it, if you haven't raised an objection.

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 10:37

YABU.

I'd hate it if I thought I had to clear every spend with my DP. I'd tell him to sod off.

DoJo · 08/04/2014 10:57

It seems to me that if you want to change the arrangement, it's your responsibility to raise the issue. It's not about him getting something for himself without consulting you. It's about him giving up something he already has. That might be necessary, but you should look at it in that way.

Surely it is the impending addition to the family which is causing the potential change to the arrangement - the OP's husband is presumably aware of this, so why should the OP need to bring it to his attention?

I'd hate it if I thought I had to clear every spend with my DP. I'd tell him to sod off.

I don't think the money is the main problem.

sazzlesb · 08/04/2014 12:01

I'm totally with you on this one as am in same position. When my twins were babies/toddlers I felt exactly as you do and I still think it was selfish of DH to a) not ask me if it was ok to spend that amount of money and b) to swan off for a full day every other weekend and leave me with two babies. There was no negotiation. Doesn't bother me so much these days as I don't need his help to cope with the DC but its the time it eats up that does bother me. He would be very happy for me to have an expensive and time consuming hobby such as his but I guess the difference is that I would rather spend my weekends with my children!
His sporting spectatorship is not limited to these shores by any means -he has been to the World Cup in Japan when they were toddlers and the cricket in Sri Lanka last year
My main concern is that his sport obsession is rubbing off on our DS who is now similarly obsessed with football at the age of 8 to the point of me having to threaten confiscation of his Match Attacks album!

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/04/2014 13:17

If he bought it out of his own wages, then surely he doesn't need permission to do so. Given it was a renewal rather than new hobby, he likely just renewed it as it was due. Does he usually have to ask permission to do something?

It's healthy for adults to have an interest and to spend time outside the home.

VivClicquot · 08/04/2014 13:32

YANBU. I think it merits a discussion. After the birth of DD1, my DH did renew his season ticket at a Premier League club, but when I became pregnant with DD2, he decided not to renew for the following season after a chat between us.

My view was that if he wanted to renew, I would not stop him, nor would I be angry, as I know it's important to him. (I was a ST holder at a different club, but let my ticket lapse after the birth of DD1). However, I did reasonably point out the not insignificant financial cost and also the fact that it would put me under pressure looking after two children 18 months apart for 6 days a week on a fortnightly basis.

flipchart · 08/04/2014 13:39

I don't think he wa being unreasonable to be honest.

I pay for my gym membership ( several hundred quid a year) upfront and in cash without ever discussing it with DH and it's out of the joint account.

DH follows a hockey team which takes virtually every Saturday and Sunday from September to march out of the equation and spends £1,000's on it in travel, admissions and sundry expenses. I never discuss how much and again it comes out of the joint account. We do spend quite a bit of time together though. I'm just glad he has an interest tbh.

LongTimeLurking · 08/04/2014 14:03

I think YAB slightly U. He has a hobby which effectively costs £35 a month and which you say you would have agreed to anyway. I don't see the problem, it sounds like you need your own hobby/interest to be honest.

Amateurish · 08/04/2014 14:11

I think YABU since it's a renewal.

We are probably talking on average one Saturday a month, and even then it's only the afternoon. It's not a huge commitment. And supporting a team can be a good family activity. Both my DCs (3&5) enjoy going. So something to consider for the future.

AskBasil · 08/04/2014 21:45

Oh well she'll have another baby.

That can be her hobby while he does his.

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