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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my PIL?

38 replies

Mummytobe25 · 01/04/2014 22:43

Have nc. 22 weeks pregnant with first baby. Been with husband for 8 years.

MIL doesn't care what we call the baby because she won't use it's name, it will be nannys little prince / princess so no name needed.
FIL says breast feeding will be selfish as it means they can't feed the baby, and won't be able to look after the baby for ages because it'll have to be near me.
FIL says if I do breast feed, I shouldn't be a pathetic wimp and do it in front of everyone and not scurry into another room.
Both have said that me and dh need to stop buying things for our baby because they want to buy more stuff. They are already buying cotbed, and have bought masses of swings/bouncers/playgyms/bedding etc. at the time we had only bought the car seat and bases, but made that comment because I had looked at sterilisers in a shop.
Both have asked me to move in with them, because I cannot possibly get up the stairs to my flat, so need to move in with them.
When me and dh are asked what we'd like, b or g, mil replies before we get a chance, and says 'we want a girl'. Because she had 2 boys and wanted a girl and never did.

I'm not making any of this up. They have said all this. There's probably more stuff but I try to forget Grin. I just smile and nod. I don't bite. But surely this is mad? Surely this is OTT? Or Aibu?
Dh doesn't ever really pay attention, he'll be chatting to someone else or playing a game, so doesn't hear this goes on.

OP posts:
Balistapus · 01/04/2014 22:47

Your PIL sound just like my mother!
You're doing the right thing in not biting.just remember, they can basically say what they like, you don't have to pay any attention. None of these decisions are theirs to make. It is very, very tiresome though!

Emilycee · 01/04/2014 22:48

Omg they sound like a nightmare!

Any way you can distance yourselves from them a bit? They need to back off big time!

Innogen · 01/04/2014 22:50

I'd be cool with them buying me stuff, but smile and nod at the rest.

babyboomersrock · 01/04/2014 22:52

Seriously, OP, nip this in the bud. Your OH is going to be a father - time to put the games down and start paying attention. It may be funny now but it won't be funny when you're a new mother with a crying baby and interfering parents in law.

Tell your fil that his remarks are inappropriate and not a discussion you want to have with him. How dare he comment on how you plan to feed your baby?

longtallsally2 · 01/04/2014 22:55

Was just about to ask if you were 16 but see that you have been with your husband for 8 years?! They want you to move in with them!! I would have thought that ten flights of stairs, dragging a pram between your teeth would be less hard work than smiling and nodding at your pils! They sound exhausting!

You need a chat with your dh about how you, he and your baby are about to become a family. You and the baby should be his priority and he will need to start to talk to you, listen out for you, and to stand up for you. Time to switch off the games, get ready to be a daddy, and get ready to kindly tell his mum and dad that, much as he loves them, you and the baby will need some time and space to yourselves.

HauntedNoddyCar · 01/04/2014 22:55

What does your husband think? If he's on board with you then smile and nod and leave any difficult conversations to him. His parents so he deals with their madness.

FunkyBoldRibena · 01/04/2014 22:55

'Good job it's none of your business then, opinions are just like arseholes, everyone's got one'.

CrazyHhas5kitties · 01/04/2014 22:57

I'd be moving far away from them , they sound completely insane & sorry to say this but it will only get worse

longtallsally2 · 01/04/2014 22:57

Neutral phrases like "Oh well, that's the way we've decided to do it" or "That's the way folks seem do it these days" could come in handy once the baby is here.

Amy106 · 01/04/2014 23:16

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed. Dh needs to step up and deal with his side of the family. That's his job. Your job is to produce a brand new human being in as stressless an environment as possible. Smiling and nodding are all well and good but more direct action may be possible before too long.
Thanks Congratulations and best wishes!!Thanks

rabbitlady · 02/04/2014 01:52

more phrases:

"my baby, my choice."
"what mum says, goes"
"no"
"thank you. we won't have much space so could you keep that at your house."
"breast is best"

for discreet breastfeeding you need easy to pull up t shirts, with cardigans over (or fleeces, whatever) and soft easy to pull down bras. and a scarf if you're really shy or if your fil is a bit too interested.

Bankholidaybaby · 02/04/2014 02:18

Good grief, they sound suffocating. I would have hated any of that from my own parents, never mind my husband's. It's none of their business how/where/how discreetly you feed your baby and them not being able to join in won't affect their bonding with Nanny's Prince/ss in any meaningful way, but upsetting you might.

It's been very important to me to choose my baby's bedding and the major items like his cot and pram, as I want to know they are safe, sturdy, and that I like and enjoy using them. I'm not saying I'd knock a gift horse in the mouth, but I'd be sad if one of the big things in which my baby spends a lot of time was something I didn't much care for or trust.

Poughle · 02/04/2014 04:08

"I think you should bottle feed so that I can bond with the baby."

"Who cares what you think?"

(Not really... Sounds like you are being very dignified and mature... Smile and nod until they do something awful like redecorate your house while you're out or give the newborn a lollipop)

GemmaPomPom · 02/04/2014 04:21

Aw, sounds like they are just excited. It is a bit irritating, though. I like the line that rabbitlady posted,

"What mum says, goes."

If you say that often enough, it will get so irritating, that I am sure they will stop trying to undermine you.

Chottie · 02/04/2014 05:44

They sound absolutely awful and I'm a MiL

They are bang out of order, it is none of their business, they are the
DGP and not the DP. I agree your DP needs to step up here and tell his parents this.

Delphiniumsblue · 02/04/2014 07:02

I thought you were doing a take off of general MNetters views of PIL! It was a shock to realise you were serious! I generally say 'smile, nod and ignore,' but I think it might take more, get DH to tackle them.

littledrummergirl · 02/04/2014 07:14

My pil wanted to by our cot so we all went shopping together. My dp bought our pram, I told them which one I wanted. I offered to add to their budgets if needed.
This is where you have to be clear about your wishes, put the boundaries in place and be firm.

JT05 · 02/04/2014 08:41

Hi, I'm a MIL and your PIL sound really OTT. I would definitely not move in with them! Ever! Others have made good suggestions for phrases to deal with the situation. As far as feeding, it is entirely your choice, make it and stick to it.
Whilst it is great to have things bought, it should be done with generosity and kindness, not as a take over bid! Your PIL are toxic!
I really hope the birth goes well and that you and DH enjoy your baby. Limit the time spent with these monsters! X

piratecat · 02/04/2014 08:44

at best you can always lock the front door.

Original poster
Mummytobe25 · 02/04/2014 10:41

Thanks everyone. I didn't think I was being the unreasonable one. I know they're excited, first gc, so was thinking I should just let them be.

I'm not letting them influence what I want to do/buy etc.

When we left once I said to dh did you hear them complain we've bought too much? Really?
And he said oh just let them, so I was a bit Hmm. But the next time they said it his ears pricked up and he replied but it's our baby, we'll buy what we want, you've had your children to buy for, we haven't, which made me Grin inside.
He knows I'm quite fiery when I wanna be so doesn't usually need to back me up but he's learning.

And when they say they want a girl, I always say 'no, YOU want a girl, me and dh don't mind'. God help me if we have a girl! I think she'll be kidnapped in the middle of the night by them!

I understand it's hard for him to go against parents and my mum is so different. She offered to buy the pram so she said choose one, tell me how much, I'll give you the money, and that's exactly what's happened. She's there if we get stuck or whatever without being OTT, whereas they are the complete opposite.

Luckily I'm strong enough to totally let them get on with it and not argue, pay attention etc and I will have no issues when baby is here to say things. I just don't want to burn bridges in case I really do need them at any point, my mum lives an hour away whereas they live 5 mins away, so I'll never know when I may need them. But I'm definitely strong enough to tell them to do one if they interfere when baby is here and it's not needed. I will also have no issue telling dh that me and baby are going to bed/ don't want visitors etc and he can deal with them and send them on their way, otherwise they'll end up living with us Confused.
Thanks again everyone, you have all made me realise I am very sane and they are not!

Ps sorry for no punctuation and typos, I'm on my phone and it's a pain!

OP posts:
EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 02/04/2014 11:07

I'm a MIL and a Grandmother of three. Your PIL are absolutely barking mad, and I'm sorry to say that they will probably get worse once the baby arrives.

Has MIL asked to be in the delivery room yet? Actually FIL will probably want to be there too Shock DDs MIL tried that one, the look on DDs face was classic

mameulah · 02/04/2014 11:34

You need to get your husband on side. And you need to put your foot down.

Be very specific about what it is you are not happy with and tell that FIL to mind his own business about how you feed your baby and where.

AND absolutely definitely make it clear that they need to phone and arrangement when it is convenient for them to visit you. Do this now, before the baby is born. And DON'T back down.

Xenadog · 02/04/2014 13:02

Unless you put up some very clear boundaries immediately you are going to be a right rough old time with these people.

I would stop taking things from them to start with and then every time they tell you what to do tell them that you are the parents and you are doing things your way. I think you will have to be really blunt with them- they seem very thick skinned and stick to your guns.

Both you and DH need to stand together and firm on this one.

NewNameForSpring · 02/04/2014 13:11

Sounds like you are doing well so far, however, don't forget that once the baby comes you will be more tired and vulnerable and may not be so strong.

It does sound like your DH is on the same page as you but I would definitely have a chat with him before the baby comes (ie now) to check you are both feeling the same way about any potential problems with PIL and how both you and he are going to deal with them. Then you will be prepared when your brain no longer works Smile

Also so that you can relax knowing that you and DH are together on this. Because to be honest, they sound awful. Sad

Good luck with it all.

goldencity1 · 02/04/2014 13:14

As a Mil I would say they sound wayyyy too excited!
As a DiL [from own experience] I would say DO NOT under any circumstances give them a key to your door. You will come in one day and find they have tidyed your bedroom/redecorated the nursery or [ultimate insult] cleaned out your kitchen cupboards.

Practise saying:
No thankyou, I don't want one of those
We have chosen this one...
Its our baby
We are doing things our way
No