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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask to check his phone?

43 replies

Catsgotyourtongue · 31/03/2014 22:08

Me and dp have decided to split up/have some time apart. We have a ds six months . We have been together nearly 4 years.

Were just not getting along, nothing major but we both need a break , just going through a rough patch.

About a year in to our relationship, we moved in together and struggled a bit, he lost his job, we were arguing, thought we were going to split up but we turned it around.

About six months later , he had left his facebook open and bobbed out and I went for a nosey. Flame away , but I did. I found that at the time we were going through the 'rough' patch he had messaged several girls eg...

" hi, long time no see, how are you ? Are you still with your bf? "

Two girls he messaged that to, I think one replied yes, they had a brief chat about what they were up to. He dufnt mention me at all .

In my eyes he was fishing .

The third girl, it was clear they had a friendship . He asked if she was with her bf, she said no, he said would be nice for a catch up and asked for her number. She gave it and the conversation went dead.

We went for a meal that night and he never mentioned the conversation or that he had got in touch with an old friend.

When he got back, we had a big argument. I felt he was fishing and apparently the third girl was his 'rock' when he was having a difficult time before he met me.

He swore he did not call her.

Any way last night we spilt up/having time out and fast forward today, an ex from years ago has just popped up on his status that he wrote, I've never seen her in the whole time we have been together write anything on his facebook, didn't even know they were friends .

I've a feeling he has been 'fishing' again.

I'm going to ask him in the morning to let me see his messages when he comes to see ds.

I'm i being out of order .
Tell me if I am.
I just have a feeling that he is.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 31/03/2014 22:11

YABU if you've already split up.

I don't think you'd be out of order to ask or even nose through his stuff if you were still together tho. I think if you're suspicious you have a right to know what your partner is messaging other women.

AwfulMaureen · 31/03/2014 22:13

Yabu if you have split up....

kinkyfuckery · 31/03/2014 22:15

If you have split up, it's none of your business who he is seeing.

Original poster
Catsgotyourtongue · 31/03/2014 22:18

Meh - we only fell out last night so would be bad taste if was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catsgotyourtongue · 31/03/2014 22:20

And I would consider it cheating . I can't bel rive you lot would think that was ok? Hmm

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2014 22:22

It still doesn't matter, now that you have split up. Whining and making demands now will make you look like a loser and feel like one as well. You have separated. The only thing about him you need to take any interest in is his plans for contact with any DC or any financial matters than need sorting out.

Joules68 · 31/03/2014 22:22

You aren't together now tho?

VanitasVanitatum · 31/03/2014 22:25

Sounds like he uses these girls as a bit of a crutch when he's feeling vulnerable. Not that it's OK when you were together of course. You can't really ask to see his phone though, you have split up.

it's not going to stop him doing what he's doing, even if he does show you, you see that he has done it, you have a row.. He will either tell you he's single so it's fine, or he will say he'll stop and then find a sneakier way. It sounds like this is his modus operandi, he probably won't change.

treas · 31/03/2014 22:26

"You are on a break" - to misquote Ross in Friends

Original poster
Catsgotyourtongue · 31/03/2014 22:27

I want to be sure though as I can almost guarantee he will have apologised by the end of the week. He has done this before.

We also have a big holiday next month , I'm not going away playing happy families if he has been doing this again .

OP posts:
Original poster
Catsgotyourtongue · 31/03/2014 22:30

Tbh it dosnt really matter as clearly I don't trust him so what's the point.

Shocked at people thinking it's ok though for you to actively start looking for some one else less than 24 hours later ?! Hmm

OP posts:
Fairylea · 31/03/2014 22:32

So essentially you don't really think you have split up? This is part of your pattern of make up / break up / make up? If so I think you have bigger problems than him sending a Facebook message to an ex.

kinkyfuckery · 31/03/2014 22:34

Who said it was ok to start looking for someone so soon?
I think the majority have said it's not ok for you to be checking his phone. That's nowhere near the same thing.

thebody · 31/03/2014 22:34

I think neither of you are sure of the other.

you have a littie baby so that's lots of pressure too.

if I were you I would go on the holiday and just talk.

he seems to need to talk to women! make him talk to you.

thebody · 31/03/2014 22:37

I think it would be a shame to bin a relationship that was obviously so good you had a child together op.

just for the sake of a few fb messages and no other evidence.

Backtobedlam · 31/03/2014 22:38

It's not ok but you have nothing to gain by finding out all the details. You say you've split, so this confirm that you're doing the right thing...he's either being a div now, or his past bad behaviour has caused you to lose trust in him. Raking everything up will make things more painful for you.

MeepMeepVroooom · 31/03/2014 22:40

It's a dickish thing to do if that's the case but if you've split up it's really got nothing to do with you any more (as much as it would still obviously hurt) he's a single man as far as he is concerned.

If my ex had demanded my phone the day after I walked out I would have told him flat out no and I didn't have anything to hide.

Sorry you're going through a hard time but I strongly suggest you do not ask for his phone.

IwinIwin · 31/03/2014 22:43

Agreeing with Fairylea, sounds like you have a very volatile relationship and you both have issues, his is he's pming other women fishing around while yours is you violate his trust. I don't particularly think he deserves the trust but you wouldn't of known that had you not violated in the first place.

Maybe properly separate to get some space and work out just what you both want- no family holidays just time apart- and try marriage counselling. It sounds like right now that you could well be going through the same cycle you did before- you have no trust of him and he may be pming other women (that you don't know for sure).

YABU to want to check his phone if you are separated, it sounds like from your perspective at least you don't think that's so. It does sound like your relationship may be in a rut which involves 'separating' but not really and making up - but not really if he actually is fishing.

What do you want OP? If the trust isn't there then it's not there and wanting to check his messages a very bad sign that it's completely gone. Do you want this kind of relationship? Will checking his messages help if there's nothing there or will this be happening again in 6 months when someone unknown or an ex comments again? It really doesn't sound like you and your DP completely got over that bad patch, especially if he is fishing and you're worried about it.

Original poster
Catsgotyourtongue · 31/03/2014 22:44

I feel like I need confirmation. I know it's stupid.

I have zero trust in him. Which is reason enough not to be with him.

I just think it's really strange she has appeard today.

She is practically my double.

OP posts:
IwinIwin · 31/03/2014 22:52

It's not stupid to need or want to know if you have suspicions but you need to know just why you want to know: to put it all behind you and move on thinking your DH isn't fishing or to know when you put an end to the relationship, regardless of whether he is fishing or not.

If you are wanting it for closure, then that's one thing but if it's to confirm he's not fishing and to keep playing happy families...well will it happen again when something else piques suspicions? Will you need confirmation to reassure and keep the relationship?

Because a relationship built on that isn't a relationship. I'm not saying LTB, I'm saying take some time to think what you want and get marriage counselling together if you want to try make things work. That's what I'd do anyway, the other way leads to badness.

thebody · 31/03/2014 22:52

do you actually actively want to make this relationship work?

or do you want proof that he's cheating/fishing.

big difference. not having a pop op but it's good to really know how you feel. is it worth fighting for?

thebody · 31/03/2014 22:53

^^ x posts.

MeepMeepVroooom · 31/03/2014 22:55

I can understand you wanting confirmation but if the relationship is over what good is it going to do? Do you think it will help you draw a line or is it going to end up hurting you more?

Personally I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of the knowledge that it bothers me but if you really want to know, ask him. Don't ask him for his phone just ask him outright. The reason I say don't ask for his phone is 1. You may find out more than you've bargained on and 2. I again wouldn't want him to have the opportunity to say no and for you to be no further forward and regret it.

If you ask him it's really up to you from there whether you can take his word for it or not. If you can't then as you have said, the trust has gone. Could you have a relationship with no trust?

Original poster
Catsgotyourtongue · 31/03/2014 22:58

I genuinely don't know.

In one hand I think it's to confirm , I was right - but it would shock me and I'd be devastated .

And in the other , I don't want to bloody split up, we were each other's best friends but we are both drastically on different pages added in with the fact I don't trust him.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 31/03/2014 23:01

YABU to think you get to check an ex's phone for any reason, regardless of how recently they became an ex. That said, YANBU to really want to know if you're hunch is right.

The only way you can really ask to see this is if you start talking about reconciliation as you'd need to be able to trust him to be with him.

That said, you don't seem to be so much concerned about how much you love him and want to be with him, but more with whether he's trying to bag himself a rebound after a break up.