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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask to check his phone?

43 replies

Catsgotyourtongue · 31/03/2014 22:08

Me and dp have decided to split up/have some time apart. We have a ds six months . We have been together nearly 4 years.

Were just not getting along, nothing major but we both need a break , just going through a rough patch.

About a year in to our relationship, we moved in together and struggled a bit, he lost his job, we were arguing, thought we were going to split up but we turned it around.

About six months later , he had left his facebook open and bobbed out and I went for a nosey. Flame away , but I did. I found that at the time we were going through the 'rough' patch he had messaged several girls eg...

" hi, long time no see, how are you ? Are you still with your bf? "

Two girls he messaged that to, I think one replied yes, they had a brief chat about what they were up to. He dufnt mention me at all .

In my eyes he was fishing .

The third girl, it was clear they had a friendship . He asked if she was with her bf, she said no, he said would be nice for a catch up and asked for her number. She gave it and the conversation went dead.

We went for a meal that night and he never mentioned the conversation or that he had got in touch with an old friend.

When he got back, we had a big argument. I felt he was fishing and apparently the third girl was his 'rock' when he was having a difficult time before he met me.

He swore he did not call her.

Any way last night we spilt up/having time out and fast forward today, an ex from years ago has just popped up on his status that he wrote, I've never seen her in the whole time we have been together write anything on his facebook, didn't even know they were friends .

I've a feeling he has been 'fishing' again.

I'm going to ask him in the morning to let me see his messages when he comes to see ds.

I'm i being out of order .
Tell me if I am.
I just have a feeling that he is.

OP posts:

mumatwork999 · 31/03/2014 23:03

I agree with thebody - talk to each other. I know, easy to write, hard to do. But your DD is the very best reason to try and work things out if you can.

Original poster

Catsgotyourtongue · 01/04/2014 08:09

Well I asked this morning , just if he had been messaging some one on facebook.

He started looked confused , started spluttering, acted like he had feathers in his mouth then refused.

I know when he is lying.

I knew it.

Didn't have to show me.

OP posts:

InAGrump · 01/04/2014 08:14

Well then you have your answer I'm sorry

tumbletumble · 01/04/2014 08:33

You're better off without this guy.

MeepMeepVroooom · 01/04/2014 08:37

You are actually a million times better than this weasel, you do know that don't you?

I'm sorry to say but he doesn't value your relationship all that much if this is what he resorts to a day after you've split, if it wasn't going on before that is.

Dump him, find yourself a good man. You do deserve it.

Original poster

Catsgotyourtongue · 01/04/2014 09:25

I just said " your disgusting , get out " and he slide out like a snake, no good bye kisses for ds.

Also when I asked, " have you been messaging girls on FB again? " his first response was "why? [rabbit in head light look] then "..no, no I havnt why?

His dad and brother are exactly the same!

Fuck knows what I'm going to do now , I'm actually in his house as a SAHM. Gave work up to look after ds.

I fucking knew it!

Only when he got in his car he text and said I was off my heads and it as unfair t spring it on him. If there was nothing there what would have been the problem .

I donto even know why I'm shocked !

OP posts:

whomadeyougod · 01/04/2014 09:43

dont go back there op ,you are better off with out , sounds like hes scared of being on his own , take your time and you will meet some one worth while .

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 01/04/2014 09:45

Congratulations on having got rid of a complete twat.

Well, you're in the house his child lives in, and his child's housing needs are greater than his... So I guess unless he fancies giving up his job and looking after your DS full time, then he's a bit stuck isn't he?

I'd sit put and simply ask him what he plans to do to sort it out. No, you aren't able to go anywhere as you don't have a job because you gave if up to do childcare for your joint child. Yes, you'll move out if he reimburses you fully for 50% worth of full-time childcare, including nights and weekends, since the birth, and finds you a part-time job. That might allow you to fund a deposit on a place for you both to live and living expenses inc 50% of the part-time childcare you'll need.

Ask him to let you know when/if he plans to evict his child and the partner he cheated on, because you're keen to let family and friends know in advance so they can gather to watch the display.

AwfulMaureen · 01/04/2014 10:07

Cat you deserve better than a life of insecurity with this knob. the pattern of behaviour in your relationship must be SO wearing for you and so upsetting....never knowing what's happening next week and no real commitment.

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. He's a tit by the sound of it...and you have a child...you say you are in his house....does he own it? Is it rented?

Original poster

Catsgotyourtongue · 01/04/2014 11:40

Thanks for the support .

Yesterday he messaged me saying I needed to put a claim n for housing benefits and put a claim in fir working tax. I work one day a weekend.

I actually thought he was blowing off hot air, obviously he meant it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Catsgotyourtongue · 01/04/2014 11:41

He owns the house.

OP posts:

AwfulMaureen · 01/04/2014 12:20

And call citizens advice too OP....if you feel up to it, I would also call the council about re-housing asap. Sorry this is all happening to you.

LozzaCro · 01/04/2014 12:22

I don't think people are saying 'it's an ok thing to do' the point people are trying to get across is that it is not something you should do, because it will make you feel crap at having to ask.

Basically, you don't trust him. So don't be with him full stop. Regardless of whether you are going on holiday or not, just steer clear of him. Or don't go if you feel that strongly that you couldn't cope with being around him.

Am I right in thinking that you were expecting to get back together after this 'break'?

LozzaCro · 01/04/2014 12:25

Ah ... just caught up. I wouldn't be going on the holiday if he has clearly checked out of the relationship in what seems like hours after falling out, and has previous form.

As for the house situation? Get yourself a few free initial appointments with various solicitors and get as much information as you possibly can from CAB.

I am really sorry that you are going through this x

SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2014 13:29

What is clear is that, whatever you want, he no longer considers himself in a relationship with you. So stop fretting about where he sticks his dick and start sorting out the practicalities of where you are going to live and how you are going to address maintenance and contact.

Comeatmefam · 01/04/2014 14:10

What SGB said.

You sound a bit childish with all the 'We've split/we only had a row last night actually/I don't want to split really/nothing's really wrong it's just a rough patch'.

Yes he's been a knob and you deserve more - but you need to wise up, grow up and think about your next step. Your son will be better off without unstable relationship around him and a father who has a roving eye and causes his mother misery. Good luck.

thebody · 01/04/2014 14:22

oh sorry to hear this outcome op.

agree with the others. don't budge until you get advice.

as you said if his dad and brother are like this it will be deeply ingrained and acceptable behaviour and not husband material.

long term best outlook is for you to both remain as friendly as us possible and be good parents to your child.

he's an idiot.

Original poster

Catsgotyourtongue · 01/04/2014 14:56

come why do I sound childish? It's a really confusing time, I didn't actually expect this was going to happen. Things weren't that bad. Can I not express how I was feeling for you to just come on and say I was childish - how is that helping.

Thanks every one for your advice, I won't be back on this thread

OP posts:

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