AIBU to be pissed off with know it all SIL

[dontsqueezetheteabag]

SIL - has 2 DC. I am pregnant with DC1.

She is giving advice and instruction about my pregnancy and my baby at every possible juncture.

I am just starting to feel the baby move and was talking about it at thwe weekend. She pipes up in her loud mouth way and says that there is no wa y it's the baby, it's just wind - I should not be so stupid.

DH was talking about taking the baby swimming fairly soon after it arrives - heard it's good for them, might be a nice father/child thing to do. She pipes up, no way. You cannot take DC swimming until it's had it's injections.

Every SINGLE thing we say she tells us we are wrong. I actually do not want to see her or speak to her until after the baby arrives in August because I am getting so annoyed.

AIBU? Any advice on how to handle her (without killing her)?

Unfortunately advice seems to change from one year to the next. So what she is saying may well have been true for her dc. But isn't considered the same now. Perhaps gently telling her you believe advice has changed according to your preferred professional. Or learn to smile and nod. Look like you are taking things in board and then dismiss anything which does not work for you.

Can you say something like, "gosh, everything we say to you about the baby seems to be wrong, doesn't it?". To be honest though, I'd get used to smiling benignly, 'cos this isn't going to get any better.

(Voice of experience).

'You do what you want with your two and we'll do what we want with ours' - any 'baby' advice.

'You may not have awareness of your own body, that's your issue. I know what I'm feeling.' - anything to do with your body.

I had my eldest at the very end of July, and was definitely feeling him move in March. Mid-March if I remember rightly. Why does she think you wouldn't know? She sounds v irritating.

Very, very irritating. Either smile and nod then go home and punch the living shit out of the voodoo doll you have made of her or don't see her until after August. But then no doubt if you do/don't breastfeed, do/don't co-sleep etc etc she will pull you up on everything except when it is the same as her choices.

Perhaps tell her you have had a lot of advice lately from the world and his wife and from now on you're only listening to your midwife. . Then do the voodoo doll thing.

I was 14 weeks when I felt baby wriggling away.
Easier said than done but do take a firm stance it will get worse when baby comes I afraid.

To be fair, I think she may be right re swimming

You could just let one rip and go 'oh yeah you were right'

You could point out she's wrong.

www.nhs.uk/chq/pages/1035.aspx?CategoryID=62&SubCategoryID=63

NHS guidance (link) is that it's fine to take babies swimming early, before vaccinations, as the old guidance relates back to when polio was a public health issue. She's rather out of date. How old are her children? Tell her that you follow the most up-to-date official guidance, not old wives tales.

I would gush every time she gives you advice in an over the top way so she knows you're being sarcastic:

SIL: You can't take your new baby swimming
You: OH MY GOD!!! Thank you soooooo much for telling us before we made a catastrophic mistake. How can we ever repay you? Please come and live with ius so we have an oracle on tap for advice 24/7

Smile and nod. Cut down on how much you are telling her. Say nothing for a while, see if she asks questions about the pregnancy and baby. If she does and still makes iffy remarks, then pull her up in it.

FWIW I could feel the first flutterings with ds in my first pregnancy from about 20 weeks. So you could well be right.

She is completely wrong about swimming. Puddle ducks are a fantastic swimming school who teach children to swim from birth before injections. My ds1 has had lessons since 6 months old when we found out about the company and Ds2 will be going from 4 months ( it would have been earlier but logistically we couldn't have both boys swimming on the same afternoon without both me and dh able to swim and I couldn't face being in a swim suit so early !) I would recommend a baby wrap if you are not attending lessons in a hydro pool as it will help keep baby warm.
You are not being unreasonable !
Just nod and say everyone is different or go mental at her then same pregnancy hormones !

If she's giving you endless advice that you don't agree with, just let her spout. Ignore. But if she's telling you that you are stupid, then pull her up on it. The standard, "Did you mean to be that rude?" works here. If she is implying stupidity but not actually saying it, pull her up on that, too. Try, "Did you mean to be that condescending?" as a variant.

We had that from our SIL even though we are both very experienced with babies and had/have had long successful careers in child care!
SIL does a lot of stuff with her kids they I don't agree with. I'm the end I had to say to her "you are an expert on your kids and I'll be an expert on mine, I'm following the latest advice from midwives and professionals so I appreciate you may be trying to help but please let me make my own decisions and mistakes"
It shut her up for a while but I'm now pregnant again and I'm sure she'll be eye rolling and giving her opinion when I do things "wrong" (e.g breast feed on demand, cuddle baby to sleep, not use controlled crying from day 1 etc!!)

The swimming advice is totally wrong! Fine to take them.

How old are her kids? If they're older than a year or so I'd be really tempted to say "Really? Is that what they used to tell you?" And then just looked interested yet concerned.

But I'm mean.

In fact, you could use this to your advantage! Not only is she giving unwanted advice, it's also inaccurate. Hence - tell her you don't want to take any more advice from her as she has form for being wrong!

Ask her how to alleviate the terrible heartburn your crack pipe is giving you

Sorry, I think we may be coming across wrong - we're sharing, not asking for your advice. But I'm sure when the baby is here, we'll really appreciate hearing what worked for your two.

Oh gosh is that so sil, you should write a book for new parents

Say it ever so normally after every single piece of opinion she has, as that's what it is opinion

I took dd2 swimming before she had injections, she didn't combust

I felt dd1 moving at 12 weeks but never felt dd2 move till about 20 weeks.

Every pg is different and all parents are different something your sil doesn't understand

Thanks all!! I especially like melonbreath suggestion about the crack pipe!

Re the swimming - that's advice for dogs

As for any thing else - you're probably equally irritating her with your PFB plans while she's thinking "yeah, right "

My SIL was very offended that I insisted that my toddlers if given juice had to have it watered down. Some people like to be the expert.

I suggest you use this time as practise for how you are going to cope when baby gets here, and she offers you out of date advice. (Its amazing how fast things change.)

Ooh you could have a lot of fun with this! Say it's a shame she never brought her kids swimming asap as its been proven to make them more intelligent and that it's better for their lungs! Tell her all kinds of (bad) parenting stuff you're planning to do and just sit back and watch her head explode!

Thing is when you have dcs you do feel a bit of a know-it-all compared you friends who are pg - look at the threads on here talking about the sils who say they're booking a holiday bungee jumping in NZ for two weeks after the due date. She may think she is saving you a lot of time (and the need to look things up on mumsnet!) by sharing the benefit of her experience. Or she may just be a cow. If you normally get on ok, or if you need to see a lot of her, bear in mind she could be a help and support to you when the baby does come.