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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your DH said....

43 replies

dashoflime · 22/03/2014 12:15

"I'll take DS out for the day, so you can get on with some work"

What time would you expect them to leave?

Because DH has eventually left at 11.30.
After I had got up at 7.00 with DS, fed him breakfast and a mid morning snack, dressed him, brushed his teeth, played with him, got DH a coffee and chivied him out of bed, packed DS's nappies, change of clothes, snack for later etc..

In my mind I imagined sitting down to some writing around 9 or 10 then having the afternoon free for the housework.
Instead I am sitting down to start at 12.00- having spent the morning getting progressively more and more frustrated at the complete lack of movement from DH and watching the precious hours trickle away. Instead off feeling motivated to start work I feel harried and behind with things.

DH is angry with me for being ungreatful. His parting shot was "You were like this last time I did you a favour. i won't bother doing you any favours in future."

The thing is- i quite often take DS to allow him to get on with stuff and I don't regard it as a "favour." I am pissed off that he would see it this way.

Fume Angry

OP posts:
ruby1234 · 22/03/2014 12:17

He's doing you a favour by looking after his own DS??????

Original poster
dashoflime · 22/03/2014 12:18

Exactly! Angry

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 22/03/2014 12:18

I'd have just sat down at the desk and left him to it. And no, spending time with his son isn't doing you a favour. Next time, leave the kid in bed with your husband and get on with your writing and if the kid wants something, call his dad to get it.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 22/03/2014 12:21

I really hate this! How is it him doing you a favour by looking after how own child???

I remember nearly killing my ExMIL when she said 'oh is DH babysitting whilst you go out?'

Can you babysit your own child?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/03/2014 12:22

He left at 10 with both of them.
I've finished my work and now doing some very exciting laundry, mixed with MN.
I have I'd I'll meet them in the park. But in all honesty I'd like to open a bottle of Sancerre and have a lie down, watching Columbo.

I feel your rage.

Whereisegg · 22/03/2014 12:22

I would be pretty cross, and stop doing him 'favours' like cooking for him, and doing his washing.
Do you look after ds while your dh works?
I would tell him that I agree childcare so the other can work is not a favour and present the miserable arse with a bill!

Topaz25 · 22/03/2014 12:23

Looking after his own child is not doing you a favour. You need to address that when you are both calm and work out a childcare rota that allows you to get your work done.

Vintagebeads · 22/03/2014 12:25

After his parting comment I would book a week away ...just to do him a favor Wink
Is he always like this?

Thetallesttower · 22/03/2014 12:29

He is not doing you a favour and you were a bit daft to wait for them to leave before cracking on with the work (although I know why you did, hard to relax otherwise).

What's the betting he'll be back by 2.30pm?

If so, put on a DVD and work then.

Just take your work next time and go to a room at 9.30/10am and start, they will soon get the message (or perhaps they will lounge about til they want to go out, could that not be ok too?)

RiverTam · 22/03/2014 12:32

he is being an arse, but I would have got on with work anyway behind a very firmly shut door.

Give him a schedule next time.

is he normally crap at looking after his DS?

Original poster
dashoflime · 22/03/2014 12:36

Thank you for the reassurance. I wasn't completely sure that i wasn't BU.

Next time I think I will just sit down and start work and leave the two of them to it as you suggested Funkyboldribena

To answer Whereisegg's question:

I work Monday- Thurday
DH looks after DS Monday and Tuesday...BUT I do the mornings and evenings
DH works Wednesday and Thursday from home. He takes DS to the childminder but I pick him up and make up his bag. I generally do the evenings.

DH generally gets a day to himself on either Friday or Saturday or both- which is fine because I like to spend time with DS so its not necessarily something I'd change.

Sunday we spend the day as a family and normally go out somewhere nice.

I think DH sees those two full days childcare that he does and misses the fact that actually i am still doing more- when you add up my full days plus all the mornings and evenings. Plus he defiantly has more free time than me.

That is why i am so pissed off with the "favour" comment.

Plus all that ancillary stuff I did to make his "favour" possible. DS was handed to him, dressed, fed, bag packed and ready to go Angry Angry Angry

OP posts:
MrsHappyBee · 22/03/2014 12:38

LTB! He thinks he's doing you a favour taking his son out whilst you stay in and do housework. Couldn't the pair of you have got stuck into the chores and had a nice afternoon out together the three of you?

LaQueenOfTheSpring · 22/03/2014 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/03/2014 12:39

I don't know. It's quite some feat to get out with the dcs before 9 ime.
Not worth arguing about now.
Maybe don't do all the getting ready for him next time.

Original poster
dashoflime · 22/03/2014 12:40

Everyone who said I should have just started the work and left them to it- i think you are right. Next time this is what i will do.

Its not ideal- because DS has a habit of coming into the room and wanting attention- so obviously much better if he is right out of the house and properly occupied with something completely different.

But- would be much less frustrating for me if i was just getting on with stuff instead of sitting in limbo waiting on someone else to do something.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/03/2014 12:41

Sorry" x post.

trashcanjunkie · 22/03/2014 12:42

I would read the riot act to him. He's behaving like a huge wanker.

Original poster
dashoflime · 22/03/2014 12:44

Mrshappybee They've gone out to give me a chance to write an article I want to do for myself (for a lefty blog- so a hobby project)

I was anticipating getting it done in the morning and then having time left over for housework. The housework in not happening now!
(which is a shame because i don't like living in a shit pit)

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/03/2014 12:44

Or, as a "favour" to your dh get stuff ready "for him" the night before so he just has to put on the clothes you got out, the bag's all done. Then he's not faffing too much in the morning.
You still have to do it, but it might get them out sooner, and without the added stress.

StrangeGlue · 22/03/2014 12:44

Yeah I'd expect him to leave but I wouldn't have done any of that morning stuff. Get up, sit down, write. Ds will teach him what needs doing pdq and if he forgets something he'll learn. He's an adult you don't need to do it for him!

Crinkle77 · 22/03/2014 12:48

The 'favour' thing would annoy me but 11.30 doesn't sound too unreasonable to me.

PurplePidjin · 22/03/2014 12:50

Actually you are doing him a favour by allowing him ample opportunity to build his relationship with his child Hmm

FWIW my mum has ds today because I have a cold (dp is away) and if it weren't for the fact that I run a class on a Saturday morning he would have been dropped off to her at 9:30 and collected at 3.

Original poster
dashoflime · 22/03/2014 12:51

Thanks everyone- I am feeling very vindicated by this thread!
much better than my last AIBU when I got massively flames
Vipers are great to have on your side! Grin

You are all right about not doing morning stuff and not getting the bag ready. i thought it would speed matter up and since I was awake anyway I might as well. But all I was doing was using up my own time.

DH reckons he is not a "morning person" and that, for him, the day starts at 10/11 ish. if I'd meant that i wanted the morning as well i should have said so Hmm

Can't expect a grown man to be up and doing stuff in the morning without prior booking apparently Angry

Anyway- if I'm not back for a bit it will be because I'm actually writing an article finally. Thanks for all your validation so far Grin

OP posts:
diddl · 22/03/2014 12:53

Well I would see it as a favour taking the child out so that the house is quiet for you to write.

I would have expected him up before 11.30 though.

Were you entertaining/keeping your son quiet/not doing housework so that your husband wasn't disturbed?

LookingThroughTheFog · 22/03/2014 12:58

Dashoflime, I've had to carefully carve out writing time from the family time. Tips are;

wear headphones and listen to music. It's a good way of effectively closing conversation. Occasionally this means DH can't have a conversation with me in the evening. Over the years he's started to see this not as a fun hobby, but as my second job, and since that change, he's able to occupy himself when I'm writing.

Be in a different room. I'm usually to be found in the living room, which means I'm available (unless wearing headphones, and even then, it's an indication that I'm interruptible). If I'm in the bedroom with the computer, it's a sign not to disturb me. DH has learned to stand in the doorway and mime drinking tea as an offer. He's well trained.

If there's something that's absolutely time critical, be out the house. So for today, if he's said he'll take DS for the day, respond; 'excellent; that means I can be at the library door at 9AM, and I can get it done much faster there.' Then go.

For me, the much more critical thing is preserving my mood. If I've worked my way up into a bundle of resentment, there's no way I'll be able to write comedy. This is fine if I've got something else to focus on, but annoying if I need to get something done. If that happens, I need to add a half hour to my working time to get my focus back.

Anyhow, good luck with it!

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