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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if you keep on cancelling eventually you won't be asked?

50 replies

JennyBendy · 16/03/2014 10:35

There are about 6 of us who have been friendly since our eldest children were at nursery together. Since then we have all had one or two more children. We go out every couple of months or so, nothing fancy just pizza/curry etc and every time she says she'll be there, makes very convincing noises etc and then every time she cancels or doesn't show. We've started to mentally not include her in the numbers as she never shows, but no one has actually ever called her on it. We also meet up with the children and (and thus is the annoying bit) she always makes a point of bringing up that she has never had a night out since her eldest was born (and it's become like a badge of honor ) and she really must sort something out. We all roll our eyes but one of the women keeps insisting on asking her out "because it's nice to be asked" whereas I think we just shouldn't bother. AIBU?

OP posts:

pictish · 16/03/2014 10:36

Hmm...you can ask and assume she'll be a no show I suppose.
No skin off your nose I don't suppose.

RandomMess · 16/03/2014 10:38

Perhaps you should just ask her directly why she never actually comes out? Perhaps her partner won't let her, perhaps her dc won't go to bed for anyone else, perhaps she can't afford it. There is obviously a real reason why she doesn't come?

I would still invite someone because yes it is nice to be asked and included even if you don't go.

SometimesLonely · 16/03/2014 10:38

Haven't any of you thought that there might be problems in her life? Anyone been round to her house?

GingerMaman · 16/03/2014 10:38

I think you should ask.

Is she ok though? Poor woman may be going through a difficult time (possibly PND). Have you thought of offering your support? Or it may be a finance issue.

Catsmamma · 16/03/2014 10:39

why have none of you said, "well you are never going to get out if you keep cancelling?"

MissBattleaxe · 16/03/2014 10:41

Maybe her husband won't look after the kids on his own. Maybe she has no money.

Whatever her private reasons, they are not malicious reasons, so don't stop inviting her as it would hurt her feelings.

I have a friend who just loses her nerve about going out. I don't know why, but it's not a crime and she is still my friend.

BillyBanter · 16/03/2014 10:42

What are her reasons for cancelling? When she says this at play dates does anyone ask why she can never come out when asked?

There could be loads of reasons she doesn't come to the evening child-free events. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable in going out clothes - lost some self-confidence. Is it possible her husband kicks up such a fuss each time she ends up cancelling with made up excuses?

Original poster

JennyBendy · 16/03/2014 10:42

We've tried to get her to talk about it. Firstly money isn't a problem. She seems to have it in her head that no one else is to be trusted with her children, even her husband, and now this line about "I haven't ever left any of them since I had DS1" gets trotted out almost like she has to stick to that. But it also feels like a dig at those of us who do go out! Competitive parenting I suppose.

OP posts:

HadABadDay2014 · 16/03/2014 10:43

Just keep offering, you don't know if there is a reason and when that reason gets resolved she will need friends around.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2014 10:43

Does it hurt to ask?

Elllimam · 16/03/2014 10:46

Maybe it's an anxiety thing? The fact she agrees to go tends to indicate that she does want to come and maybe just is too scared at the last minute. I would keep asking her.

Original poster

JennyBendy · 16/03/2014 10:46

Nannyogg no it doesn't hurt to ask. It's just annoying. She's even said yes to events where the numbers mattered, and not shown. (One woman had tickets for all of us to the theatre, and age said yes she was coming but didn't show and cancelled at 9.30 by text. Someone else could have had the ticket.)

OP posts:

Standinginline · 16/03/2014 10:50

YANBU. When I was at college I always cancelled on get togethers ,parties etc... I had depression ,felt very low about myself (bad skin ,overweight etc...) and had low self esteem. Of course the invites started drying up. Now I ALWAYS make an effort to go ,even if I don't feel like it. I always look back and remember the nights that I didn't really want to go to but did ; they always turned out to be enjoyable. I've lost so many friends through my failure to turn up ,I don't want to lose anymore !!

legoplayingmumsunite · 16/03/2014 10:53

Because she does see you with the kids it's not that she doesn't like you all. So there must be a reason that she feels she can't explain. Does she get on particularly well with one of you who can ask in a non accusatory way if she's having any problems. Obviously this conversation should be just one to one so she doesn't feel ambushed.

What about arranging to have a take away at her house one evening so she doesn't have to leave the kids but can have an evening with friends, I've done that a few times with friends who have tiny babies. It's just a bit easier for her if she's anxious about leaving the kids. If her OH is the problem it might not sort that though.

Original poster

JennyBendy · 16/03/2014 10:56

It's odd. Her mum has offered to babysit, and though she'll leave the children with her in the day, or a nanny, she won't go in the evening. I don't think the husband is the issue either as she leaves them with him in the day to go to work.
I don't know - I think she has a script running in her head that says good mothers stay in with their children!

OP posts:

Original poster

JennyBendy · 16/03/2014 10:58

Having a takeaway at hers is an option but these a lot of eye rolling, as her children are far from the youngest, and the eldest is 5!

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BillyBanter · 16/03/2014 11:20

Maybe she feels that as she goes to work she needs to maximise time with the kids.

Maybe next time she says about never having a day out someone could ask either 'then why do you say yes every time we ask then cancel?' Or maybe say 'If you know you're not going to come out why not say no in the first instance? It's ok not to want to come out in the evening, we'll still invite you to day time stuff'

Mintyy · 16/03/2014 11:22

If she really wanted to come on one of these pizza or curry nights she would. So she doesn't really want to come. Don't feel bad about not inviting her again.

YouTheCat · 16/03/2014 11:24

Just keep asking her so she's not excluded and if she does the 'I never get to go out' line just point out that she gets asked but never comes. Maybe it'll shut her up.

Nennypops · 16/03/2014 11:24

If someone is booking tickets and she cancels, does she pay for the wasted ticket?

Original poster

JennyBendy · 16/03/2014 11:33

Nenny they were a freebie (the woman's husbsnd's company got them) but they were still a big treat. She also didn't show at a catered 40th and again cancelled late by text. I'd have gone nuclear about that but the woman concerned wrote it off to experience.

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DoJo · 16/03/2014 11:39

I would feel sorry for someone who didn't trust their children's father to look after them for a night - either she has anxiety issues or similar, or he is a flake and she's having to cope with all the parenting by herself.

Either way, it sounds like you don't really like her that much - if you don't want to invite her because you feel as though she is needlessly competitive or a martyr, then that's a reasonable reason, but if you do actually like her, then asking her to things that don't depend on her attending is surely no hardship?

I have a friend who is a hospital dr and has odd shifts which can change at the last minute etc and is sometimes a lot more tired than expected, so even if he is free, he can end up falling asleep and missing out. I would rather see him when he's around, so he's always invited to things, but if he doesn't turn up it's fine.

I know the situations are different, but the end result is the same - if you want to spend time with her, give her as many opportunities to join you as you can. If you don't, then don't.

Original poster

JennyBendy · 16/03/2014 12:06

I do like her, we get along well but the more I think about it the more I think it's needless martyrdom. She leaves the children with her husband in the day, but then seems to be defining herself by this thing about never going out since the eldest was born, which is annoying.

OP posts:

Original poster

JennyBendy · 16/03/2014 12:08

As Mintyy said I think it's riling me too as she doesn't seem to place any value on it. There was a class night out from her eldest's school and she said no because she felt she already had enough friends. I thought, the way she's going on she won't have in the long run. It's very sad really and I don't think she can see it.

OP posts:

Lazyjaney · 16/03/2014 12:14

Stop inviting her to the stuff where numbers matter. Other than that, what YouTheCat said.

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