to think that if you keep on cancelling eventually you won't be asked?

[JennyBendy]

There are about 6 of us who have been friendly since our eldest children were at nursery together. Since then we have all had one or two more children. We go out every couple of months or so, nothing fancy just pizza/curry etc and every time she says she'll be there, makes very convincing noises etc and then every time she cancels or doesn't show. We've started to mentally not include her in the numbers as she never shows, but no one has actually ever called her on it. We also meet up with the children and (and thus is the annoying bit) she always makes a point of bringing up that she has never had a night out since her eldest was born (and it's become like a badge of honor ) and she really must sort something out. We all roll our eyes but one of the women keeps insisting on asking her out "because it's nice to be asked" whereas I think we just shouldn't bother. AIBU?

[whitepuddingsupper]

I would continue to ask her for the time being but if she last minute cancels to something that could leave others out of pocket catered/ticketed event then I would bluntly tell her it's out of order to let people down at the last minute and you will all start to think twice before asking her in future. She sounds like hard work, I have a friend who does similar and has cancelled stuff 3 times in a row now and I'm not chasing after her anymore, she knows how to contact me if she wants to do something.

[blanchedeveraux]

I had a "school Mum" friend exactly like this. She would go on and on about being "stuck in" and "desperate for a night out". We would arrange it for the 6 or 8 of us to go to the pub/round someone's house for a takeaway and she'd be all "Oh, I can't wait, it'll be such a laugh" and on the actual night she never turned up. It happened about 4 or 5 times in a row. She moved out of the area but kept the same landline number but after another couple of no-shows we stopped bothering to invite her.

[AbbeyBartlet]

It sounds like she may be trying to distance herself - I did this to all of my friends at one point but found it hard to come right out with it. It's nothing personal. It was a relief when people stopped asking me to things. Perhaps you should stop inviting her and see if she brings it up.

[Joysmum]

I worry my friends will have an attitude like yours. I like to be asked and would go things if I can. Often though, I can't. I make sure to explain why but there's a lot of 'one offs' and I probably only make 1 activity in 4, if that.

I hope my friends appreciate my honesty in sincerely wanting to go but the reasons why I can't each time. Mind you, I give as much notice as I can and the reason when I cancel, along with abject apologies. I couldn't just not turn up and not give reasons and apologies. That would be taking the piss.

[Beanymonster]

I think you should mentally not include her in the numbers, but this sounds very much like me when I had depression, I was fine to do things in the day, but once I'd sat down in the evening there was nothing I could do to motivate myself to want to do something for me.. I almost felt like I wasn't worth it. Please please do keep inviting her, or maybe make it more of a 'just the two of us' thing, invite her round for a glass of wine, chocolate and a film?
All of my 'friends' gave up on me when I was depressed and when I told them a while later why I was so rubbish one said I couldn't have been depressed as I'd always text them back.. try and make the effort, it could be the one thing that really makes her smile ATM..

[GertTheFlirt]

Well, I have a friend like that. She's always full of good intentions usually pays her deposit and then her DH will engineer a situation so she cant go. Because you don't ever know what is going on be hind the scenes, you should leave the door open, because she may be feeling very isolated.

[WilsonFrickett]

Yeah, I agree with Gert there is probably something going on here and if she's happy to leave the children through the day with others, my money is on the husband being a bit controlling. Maybe he's making it hard for her to go out.

If you like her, then support her - but agree, don't even ask her to things where the numbers matter, like theatre tickets. Just keep asking her to your more casual things.

It could be that the 'I never get out' conversations are her way of saying 'please ask me what is going on in my life to stop me going out' so if there's a way to call her (ie not in front of everyone at soft play kind of thing) I would gently say 'but why don't you come out when you say you will?'

[BillyBanter]

I do wonder if it might be something to do with the husband. I think you said he was a SAHD after being made redundant. If he is stuck at home unwillingly and not earning a wage which, rightly or wrongly, is an important aspect of identity and self-confidence for many men (and women, obvs) he may be resentful of her being the breadwinner, being out of the house all day etc. Or it may be he would be an abusive twat whatever the set up.

[JennyBendy]

Anbeybartlet I'd think the same if she didn't do so many play dates, friendly texts etc!

[JennyBendy]

Joysmum I hear you. But I think we are into piss take territory - and as I say, a script running in her head about What Good Mothers Do.

[JennyBendy]

Billy, the DH is far from redundant. They both with unusual hours and has never reported anything less than great terms about the childcare.

[BillyBanter]

Ah, ok. I maybe got confused with another thread.

Well you could ask her why she always says yes then never comes.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"now this line about "I haven't ever left any of them since I had DS1" gets trotted out almost like she has to stick to that. But it also feels like a dig at those of us who do go out! Competitive parenting I suppose."
If it feels like a dig, it probably is.


"she never shows, but no one has actually ever called her on it."
Well, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. It's time to call her on it. And since "she always makes a point of bringing up that she has never had a night out since her eldest was born (and it's become like a badge of honor ) and she really must sort something out" it shouldn't be too hard to find an opening in the conversation to bring it up (e.g. 'you always say that, but every night out we've organised for the past x months/years, you cry off - and always at the last minute!'). Stop rolling your eyes at her and SAY SOMETHING.

If she doesn't really want to go out, she should stop whining on about it.

[JennyBendy]

Well it seems there's a night out this week! I'd forgotten about it as I'm away with work and had declined, but she's saying she's going, looking forward to it etc and from what I can see has been included in the numbers. I can't say anything though, can I?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" I can't say anything though, can I?"
No, since you won't be there. But whoever she texts with her last minute cancellation should.

[JennyBendy]

I've spoken to birthday girl today and without prompting she said "of course X won't actually go."

[whois]

I had a friend like this - I after a while we just called her out in it. "Are you actually coming? Cos normally you say you are but then cancel. It's fine if you can't come, but say now so we can just make the booking for the right number if people' then follow up a day or so before "you're still coming right, you said you were!"

[JennyBendy]

What did she do?

[imonlydancing]

I am exactly like this person you are describing. I often accept because I feel at the time that I am up to going, and will enjoy going. And then as the time gets closer I get more and more panicky and convince myself there is a reason to stay home (cleaning/a tv show/spending time with DP) and then the more you stay home, the harder it is to go the next time.

I am not like this at all in the day time. I go out with friends all the time. But a night out still fills me with fear - what if I cant leave when I want to because everyone else is staying till closing.

My friends haven't stopped asking but they now openly say "Dancing, obviously YOU wont come! Ha ha!" and it has taken the pressure off me to find an excuse. I don't mind that approach at all. In fact I have been out a few times in the evening and left early with no fuss. Talking to her will make the world of difference. Do it.

[PigletJohn]

I used to work with a person who, when asked if they wanted to go to an after-work event, always said yes, but didn't come.

They later told me it was to cut out the repeated requests and persuasions and naggings if they said "no"

[deakymom]

i always used to have to cancel or no show my ex was abusive the one occasion i did go out he followed us and we nearly crashed the car it was awful

maybe he wont let her socialise with you without the children

[JennyBendy]

Well so far all the signs are good for this week, including contributing to the group email about diet preferences.

[givemeaclue]

Stop being mean. So she only attends a few of the organised events, so what

[JennyBendy]

No, she NEVER EVER goes. Ever.