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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To *sometimes* dictate plans by my dd's naps...?

26 replies

Odaat · 16/03/2014 07:47

Sorry to hog this thread- I recently posed another question. After such a fab response (which I really found helpful) I thought I'd ask about something else ...
My daughter gets very cranky if she is tired (she used to scream herself to sleep when firstborn) and naps twice a day. If I hve to go into town i try and do it between her naps as she will just moan if tired and this makes me anxcious/ stressed as i dont like her being unhappy (pfb syndrome methinks!?) also she can cry sometimes if in the pram for a bit and then I feel really bad! I have a sling but i I am going far i prefer pram. If I am with someone i tend to carry her if she winges and dh pushes pram. But when I do this my fam and dh moan i am soiling her and should leave her to cry. She generally wont sleep in her pram. I do feel my life is a bit dictated by her naps- but she wont really nap in pram so what can I do! Am I being unreasonable by planning things around her nap as much as I can? And carryin her if she cries in pram? She always stops when I carry her ...

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Supercosy · 16/03/2014 07:50

Yanbu at all. I used to do the same for Dd's comfort and for my own sanity. Despite what many say she was way happier when she was in a routine for about the first year or so. After that it was a bit easier to be flexible.

Eebahgum · 16/03/2014 07:50

YANBU to do exactly what you want and what you feel suits your family best. Stop worrying about whether other people think it's the right thing to do.

CarryOnDancing · 16/03/2014 07:51

I don't think it's ever unreasonable to go with the option that causes less tears and least stress for you. You can't spoil a baby, in fact studies show that the quicker you tend for them in the early stages, the more secure and confident they will be later-as they know you will be there when needed.

How old is you LO? It's obviously a little restrictive for you but if it's the option you are most comfortable with then it's really your decision.

Original poster
Odaat · 16/03/2014 07:54

Thanks. Its reassuring to know after the first year the routine can relax a bit. My dd deffo responds best to her routine. I do get criticised by family though, they get frustrated if i wont go along with their plans as dd may be a nightmare if i miss her nap. I know it partly because they want me to have more freedom- but tone honest i get out all the time- i just try to do it around my dd routine. I think my dm forgets ...

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Original poster
Odaat · 16/03/2014 07:55

Dd is nearly one

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Indith · 16/03/2014 07:55

YANBU

If she own't nap when out and about then it seems to me perfectly sensible to plan your day around her naps. If she cries in the pram and stops when you carry her then carry her! Perhaps keep your sling in the basket of the pram so if you are on your own you cna pop her int he sling if you need to and still be able to push the pram.

The only thing I would say is to try to keep some flexibility. It can get on top of you if you become a slave to the nap. Don't let it stop you from going places or meeting friends all of the time or you will just make yourself miserable.

She may change in time and sleep in her pram. And one day soon her naps will reduce and you will find you have more time to be out and about.

Indith · 16/03/2014 07:59

FWIW I was a slave to the nap for ages. Ds1 had terrible night terrors as a toddler. If he didn't have his nap then he would be over tired and would have several terrors during the night and therefore be knackered the next day and sometimes would have a terror in his nap. And if he had a terror in his nap he didn't nap well and would be tired at night and so have terrors.

We had to be home by 12 noon for lunch so I could put him to bed as soon as he was done eating. If we had lunch out and went home after he wouldn't nap. It was so, so hard being such a slave to it so if you can be flexible at times I'd suggest you try. But of course for the most part if routine works for you then keep it!

Original poster
Odaat · 16/03/2014 08:00

I should maybe add I had pnd - i think a lot of the need for a good routine has stemmed from this (so i feel in control) also dds excessive crying when firstborn didnt help. (She always cried if tired and fought her naps terribly) But regardless of this, I would have always be responsive to her cries - i dont disagree with lettin a baby whinge or cry for a bit if literally no other choice (as i sometimes have to) but generally i just like to sort it out for her - and me!!

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TwittyMcTwitterson · 16/03/2014 08:01

Would it be mean to go out with the family who criticise you when she is tired. Just to show them what you are avoiding?

I still (at 2.5yrs) can't stand DD being upset when she doesn't have to be so YADDDDNBU. She'll literally sleep anywhere tho.

AuditAngel · 16/03/2014 08:02

Whilst I can see your problem, my SIL was so rigid about her DC naps that the entire extended family, including all the other children were expected to work around their naps.

If you are working around your naps, please try not to make it seem to the other party that their system is inferior. Two of my DC were not routine driven whilst one was. As a result my DC were all flexible about where they slept (or didn't). I was the recipient of many comments about the structutpre (or rather the lack of structure) to our days.

Original poster
Odaat · 16/03/2014 08:02

Yeh I will maybe try to be a little more flexible then as you suggest ... I often hve to miss a good baby group as she naps when its on, I think I should just maybe take her regardless and see how she is- she may suprise me!

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hazchem · 16/03/2014 08:03

YANBU to re responsive to your child needs. It what parenting is about.

Original poster
Odaat · 16/03/2014 08:07

I dont ever make anyone feel inferior audit ! As a mother who has struggled i just wouldn't!
I have been out when dd has been screaming in her pram and my dm just sai leave her and I had to puh her about screaming. My dm had several kids though so i suppose she wasn't so responsive as she couldn't b with more than one. She often points out if i have more kids i wont be able to jump to dds cries everytime and will have to let her whinge which is a fair point but i dont know why she has to be so firm and critical about it... She doesn't know I had pnd etc.

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Original poster
Odaat · 16/03/2014 08:09

To be fair i do think my dm wants me to relax more for my own sake too. But she is often very judgmental about things, my parenting being one of them as of late ...

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Hamnvik · 16/03/2014 08:13

I am exactly the same, my DS is nearly one as well. I have also had the same conversation with my mum about just pushing him around crying but I refused to do it and put him in his sling.
It is annoying but its not forever and if he doesn't nap it will be me that had to get up with him during the night(well more than normal as he is a terrible sleeper!) I am looking forward to him only having one nap so that we will have more time to get out and about.

BrianTheMole · 16/03/2014 08:16

Do what works for you. Especially if its you that has to deal with the fallout.

olympicsrock · 16/03/2014 08:17

I think it's perfectly reasonable to make plans around naps. When darling son was a baby he slept every day roughly 10 til 11 30 in his cot and I would plan lunch with friends knowing that I wouldn't have a grizzly baby when out. He is now 2 and sleeps after lunch as most toddlers do. I plan things for mornings and after 3pm as I know he'll be happy and energetic if we do activities. YANBU

TwittyMcTwitterson · 16/03/2014 08:20

I'm guessing DM is from a generation that had little qualms with leaving to cry?

I have a very old lady friend who was born in 1929. She tell me that with her kids and those huge prams, she'd ways leave them outside shops while she went in. I asked if they were crying when she came back. She simply said 'oh yes, always'. Crazy to me. Not saying your DM is really old but my dad is 50 this year and his mum did it to him and I don't think he would see it as a bad thing either.

ShadowOfTheDay · 16/03/2014 08:22

I would also say do what works for you.... but don't let having a baby limit your life..... baby time passes quickly... if you get to "I can't .... because my toddler......" then you need to take another look.

ALittleFaith · 16/03/2014 08:40

Oh we're in a very similar position. DD is 11mo. She was a terrible sleeper when she was little due to reflux. She'd only sleep in the sling/car/pushchair so I felt constantly shattered. Now I relish her naps in the cot and plan things around her. If I don't, she often refuses to nap when we do get home. YANBU.

Janorisa · 16/03/2014 08:43

YANBU.

QueenofKelsingra · 16/03/2014 08:45

My DTs are now 22m and I still arrange my days around their nap where possible. if I have to be out at nap time I will often go for a morning drive so they will have a nap in the car beforehand. everyone's lives are less stressful if my kids aren't grouchy from tiredness! I do have abut an hour and a half flexibility on what time the nap is though so I can amend slightly to fit in with plans. and they are not my PFBs!

I do however bow to people with younger DC and will work with their routine where at all possible - mine now understand a bit more and can just about manage on a cat nap in the car, younger babies need their quality sleep more.

so no, YANBU.

Marylou62 · 16/03/2014 09:56

I had one very easy baby who would sleep anywhere and generally a happy little soul....fast forward 3 years and along came his sister. What a nightmare...I'm afraid I did anything for a bit of peace and if that meant 'pandering' to her routine then so be it. But I would say that I often left her to cry when nothing else worked and she has not been damaged by it. She is 20 now and was a dream teenager/young adult. It will pass.....very quickly it seems.... and do whatever suits you OP. And as for the 'you wont be able to go to her every time she cries when you have DC2' That may be.... but cross that bridge when you come to it. Good luck OP.

Original poster
Odaat · 16/03/2014 12:23

Thanks everyone. In hindsight I do think Iwas being a tad unfair to my dm as I have moaned to her that dd won sleep when out and it restricts me. So she is probably trying to help me too ( though she is very much her way is the best wAy and do push her point constantly just to be right) but whatever! I will be stronger in my convictions now! Thanks all!
Ps dm had to leave us to cry as we were all so close together in age, i dont think it was so much a generational thing. I am not against leaving babies to cry as a rule - i think sometimes it simply has to be done esspecially if people have several kids. I just hate doing it.

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Original poster
Odaat · 16/03/2014 12:24

I think many dont leave pfb to cry , but come the second they have to more and more!

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