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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sons teacher judges me

26 replies

ParanoidLucy · 13/03/2014 22:58

DS in year one is not doing well in school by all accounts. The school have him on 'intervention' for everything and now have a literacy coordinator working with him alone. I am pleased he has the help but also sad that he needs it.

We read at home every day and do sums etc but I feel I have let him down. The teacher is nice but I an convinced they judge me for how my son is doing. Aibu?

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 13/03/2014 23:02

Teachers don't judge parents for how well their children are doing developmentally/academically.
It is good that school are addressing this in Y1 and hopefully your son will soon start to make more progress. Keep on reading to him but don't feel bad, you haven't let him down. I do understand that you feel sad that he needs help but he's still your lovely boy .

Meow75 · 13/03/2014 23:02

Yes.

My friend is a Secondary School English teacher and her partner is a military engineer with superb numeracy skills. Their eldest son is also having similar help to yours.

Don't waste your headspace feeling judged; just listen to any advice they might give you, and follow it if you think it is sensible. And continue to help your son with his reading and writing. What if he's just a late bloomer, and by the time he's 13, he's got a reading age several years ahead of his chronological age?

BumpyGrindy · 13/03/2014 23:03

My DD is getting similar help OP...you can't take it personally. I have two DDs and the youngest has many plus points but she just struggles with literacy...her older sister was the same but now she's coming up 10, she's flying.

It takes some kids longer. I write for a living...how can I be worried I'm not doing something right? I read to DD...she does her best. She doesn't judge you...you judge you.

Original poster
ParanoidLucy · 13/03/2014 23:08

Thanks.I am sobbing about it which I know is silly. We had Parents Evening today so Only just found out he has intervention for writing, reading and maths. I had assumed he would be good at something.

OP posts:
glucose · 13/03/2014 23:09

When I met DDs teacher for this year, at the end of last academic year, my heart really sunk, came away feeling really judged. Since she has got to knowmyDD things have improved, and last time we met with SENCO I felt she was totally on my side and in agreement with me. My DD has support in class, Don't feel bad..certainly when I was at school children who might have done better with support just didn't get any. In time you will feel more confident about knowing your child and getting to know how to deal with teachers.

I believe they are human and therefore not always able to 'park'their believes, attitudes...and like all of us they probably have stuff going on...and its not you

BumpyGrindy · 13/03/2014 23:11

OP it IS upsetting...your DS will be good at something...did the teacher not give ANY positives? No "DS is very kind" or "DS is always up for a good time with friends"

My DD may struggle academically but you know what...she's SIX just turned and I know she's bright. Some children need longer to adjust and get with the idea of reading and writing. Which is why many countries don't begin teaching them formally until they're 7!

mygrandchildrenrock · 13/03/2014 23:12

I bet your little boy is good at lots of things, just maybe not academic ones. I am sorry you left parents evening without being told some of his good points, that's a shame.

glucose · 13/03/2014 23:12

Please don't be sobbing...my DD is way below average academically, not sporty, not musical...she is well behaved, Has friends, really Helpful, and enjoys social aspects of school...

thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw · 14/03/2014 01:32

You read at home with him. That's brilliant. Plenty of parents don't.

SallyMcgally · 14/03/2014 02:20

Please try not to worry too much. He's getting help now, which is fantastic, and he will make progress. In my DS1's early years I used to sob after parents' evenings when not one single positive thing was said about him academically. We moved to UK when he was 9 and they said he was 3 years behind in most subjects. In middle of year 8 he is on target in everything except science, and ahead in many subjects. He's in top 3% for English, streets ahead in drama and won a talent show doing comedy. A slow start is fine. Kids come into their own at different stages. But Thanks because it feels like shit at the time.

MidniteScribbler · 14/03/2014 02:56

Teachers don't judge parents that understand that there have been identified concerns, are willing to discuss putting in to place strategies strategies and will support the child at home.

Parents who deny everything, refuse to do anything at home to support learning or just prefer to tell us that it is all our fault, they judge the hell out of them.

Chottie · 14/03/2014 05:11

Please try to turn this around and look at it from a different angle, your DS is getting help the help he needs. You are doing everything you can too to help by reading with him too. You and the school are all working together to support your DS. Think of it as a team approach.

You sound a great mum :)

Eggsiseggs · 14/03/2014 05:20

You know the only parent I judged? The parent who refused to let their child have the interventions on offer, and refused to let her be tested for anything because there was nothing wrong with their child, her brother is very clever, blah blah blah. Snobby and selfish and totally inconsiderate to her needs.

It made me sad for this funny, generous, kind little girl who just needed a little bit of help with a couple of subjects.

I would be relieved and encouraged to meet a parent who cared, who was invested enough in their child to read to them at home and who supported us so that we could work as a team. I would also be desperate to reassure you!

By the way, I had intervention at school (something all my students get told!) and I am now super clever, innit? Wink

CharityCase · 14/03/2014 05:35

We had Parents Evening today so Only just found out he has intervention for writing, reading and maths.

I would be pissed off with the school for not flagging this up real time

TheBody · 14/03/2014 05:48

oh lovely don't be sad. trust me school won't be judging you at all. we love supportive parents and you sound great.

loads if children have early intervention, it oftern has no bearing on intelligence or parental support it just means some kids haven't picked up some aspects as quickly as others and when they do they fly.

my ds 1 had intervention. he's now a strapping 24 year old with a degree and joining the navy.

dd3 also had the same. she's doing GCSEs and on course for great marks.

English and maths are very narrow subjects and your ds might be a language expect, artistic, musical, sporty, IT savvy.

as he gets older more and more subjects are introduced and I bet he will fly. he's just a baby really in year 1. don't worry

Original poster
ParanoidLucy · 14/03/2014 06:11

Thanks all. It's good to hear he is not alone. I am surrounded by supposed 5 year old geniuses which doesn't help Grin.

It's good to hear from some teachers. I always support them and think they do a great job so its good to hear their side. I had convinced myself they would think I wasn't doing anything with him Blush.

OP posts:
sashh · 14/03/2014 06:12

Did your dc arrive in school:

potty trained (unless their are special needs applies to all of theses)
able to say please and thank you
able to follow a basic instruction such as 'sit down'

And does dc arrive every day clean and having had breakfast? Not having spent most of the evening and in to the small hours playing computer games?

These are things teachers judge.

It is our job to teach, each child learns slightly differently, at a different speed (and that varies not just between children but at different times in the same child)but teaching them at what ever stage is what we are paid for, along with identifying those who need extra help and finding that extra help.

TheBody · 14/03/2014 06:21

oh yeah and about the '5 year old geniuses* in my experience most arnt even though their parents think they are. now these parents can be hard to deal with. Grin

JapaneseMargaret · 14/03/2014 06:31

I don't have anything constructive to add - but really hope you are glad you started this thread, in order to get some reassurance and see how positive things actually are.

I have a 5YO DS in year 1, and the school's first parent-teacher meetings of the year are next week (his 6th week at school) - I am really nervous!

So I just wanted to empathise and hope you can see how bright his path actually is, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. :)

TamerB · 14/03/2014 06:31

If they are judging you then you come out well- you are the sort of parent they like, the ones who are helpful, cooperative and doing their best for their child.
Good parenting is nothing to do with the academic ability of your child- you are not a better parent if your child is on an advanced reading band!

Glasshammer · 14/03/2014 07:15

He will be good at something. Can you ask for what his strengths are? You need to give attention to his strengths for his confidence.

Please don't feel judged. You are going your best to support the school and his learning.

brettgirl2 · 14/03/2014 07:29

he'll be good at lots of things. Social skills, arguably far more important than anything else in success. Perhaps he's creative. Perhaps he's practical and will in the future earn a fortune in a trade. As others say perhaps he will bloom later.

noblegiraffe · 14/03/2014 07:37

Teachers do judge some parents. But it's not the ones who pitch up to parents evening concerned about their child's progress and willing to engage with the school in supporting their child.

TwllBach · 14/03/2014 07:39

I wouldn't be judging you OP, in fact, if you told me you were reading with your child I may well have leapt over the table to kiss you Grin

Your DS is still so very little. It's a good thing he is getting the intervention, it means our school are monitoring him, have identified problem areas and are helping him.

Are you sure they didn't say anything nice? I pay attention to everything the little ones do, so even f they're struggling academically I can tell parents that x shares and plays and helps - but then I'm in nursery so a little different.

Goblinchild · 14/03/2014 07:40

You know, a number of teachers have children with additional needs themselves. I'm one.
Why would I judge you for doing the best you can for your son? Brew