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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take daughter home from soft play after 3rd hitting incident?

55 replies

Slightlyneuroricnat · 10/03/2014 18:59

She is 3 1/2 and today at a soft play area hit another girl repeatedly as soon as we arrived and then jumped on top of her :(
The girls father picked my daughter up off of his and said quite loudly " no "
My daughter ran away but then looked back at shouted at the man for being horrible.
Obviously I apologised, put her in time out and made her apologise to the child but within 5 minutes she had hit another child in the face and then proceeded to push her younger sister over.
So we went home with her screaming and my mother in law telling me I was completely over reacting as she's only little.
She can be a lovely kind child but probably once a fortnight will have a day that there's just no talking to her and her behaviour is aggressive, even at home this morning she was kicking her toys around even when I began removing them.
Worried as she is starting nursery in April and I don't know what they will do if she behaves like this.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 10/03/2014 19:01

You did the right thing. I have taken my ds home because of bad behaviour (spitting). He never did it again and still remembers that day.

mummymeister · 10/03/2014 19:04

spot on OP well done. you did exactly the right thing. ignore MIL. at 3.5 she is old enough to know this is unacceptable. talk to her next time before you go to soft play. tell her what behaviour you expect/don't expect and if she does it again, take her home, no time out just straight home. wish there were more parents like you out there.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 10/03/2014 19:05

Did you warn her she would be taken home if she did it again? That is probably the ideal thing to do after one incident, and a little talk warning that before you go in next time.

But no of course you are not U, of course you did right to take her home and your MIL is being over indulgent - she is big enough to know not to do that (I have a nearly 3 year old and so is he - he plays a bit rough sometimes as he has a big brother and they play a bit roughly together and enjoy it, but if he picks the only child to play rough with and she cries he is instantly remorseful and very subdued even after apologising, and usually wants to talk about it in a sad voice much later, and worry whether she will play with him again ... so they are old enough of course!)

WhoAteAllTheCremeEggs · 10/03/2014 19:08

I would of done what you did.
You were totally reasonable.
MIL doesn't know best.

MrsSpencerReid · 10/03/2014 19:09

Yanbu I have done the same and would hope if it was my child in the receiving end their parent would remove them it will be better after

Original poster

Slightlyneuroricnat · 10/03/2014 19:09

Yes after the first incident she was say down for a good 5 minutes for her to calm down and was told if she continued we would be going home, approx 10 mins later she then hit the other girl and as I went over to her, pushed younger sister over and ran away.
My mother in law rang a while ago and said that she's only small still and I shouldn't have ruined the day / younger sister day because of it etc but I think I was right and it won't be her at the nursery explaining if it happens there will it!?

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/03/2014 19:12

You did the right thing. And her younger sister is probably not old enough to suffer from her day being spoilt.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 10/03/2014 19:13

Absolutely not U then :) As long as you carry on like that, she will learn, and other parents (and children) will be much less upset about it as you are not letting her get away with it. 3.5 is little, but not little enough not to know not to hit and push people over.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 10/03/2014 19:16

Well done. I hate it when I see kids getting away with hitting etc. next time you say 'play nicely or we'll go home' she'll know you mean it. YANBU

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/03/2014 19:16

You did the right thing.

Sounds like her grandmother was more concerned about her own day being ruined

YANBU keep doing it and eventually it will work

Original poster

Slightlyneuroricnat · 10/03/2014 19:16

Sister is 2 1/2 but she slept on the way home so was tired anyway.
My thoughts exactly, 3 1/2 isnt too young to know its wrong but I wonder why she does it.
Some days nothing, others constant aggression.
Her speech is fine, she just says she doesn't know why when it happens so I'm struggling to help her with it apart from what I'm doing now.

OP posts:

RagamuffinAndFidget · 10/03/2014 19:18

It sounds like you did the right thing to me. FWIW, my DS2 is a bit feral and I was really worried about him starting at pre-school because I thought he might be a bit much for them, but he behaves perfectly there. They've never had any problems with him at all. So your DD may surprise you.. It's a bit of a kick in the teeth when they behave perfectly at school and not at home but I'd rather it that way round, I think!

cory · 10/03/2014 19:18

You are doing exactly the right thing to help her. I had one like that, she grew out of it, no doubt helped by my firm handling. The other thing that was helped by my firm handling was her social standing: in a small community it's much easier for people to carry on feeling friendly towards your child if other children's needs are recognised.

Finola1step · 10/03/2014 19:22

My dd is younger than yours. I would have done exactly the same.

Time to calmly say to your MIL "Thanks but this is how we have decided to teach our children to behave properly. She is old enough to know better".

Quick question OP, when is your dd 4? Is she due to start school in September?

pixiepotter · 10/03/2014 19:29

I think it was unfair on the little sister who was pushed over, and had to share in the going early punishment too? why not just make the big one sit and watch her sister

Forgettable · 10/03/2014 19:31

We would have left, too

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 10/03/2014 19:34

I feel for you Op - mine went through a HIDEOUS phase at 3.5. I even posted about how worried I was about how much it (her behaviour) was coming between us as mother and daughter as I was so cross with her and she was so... naughty really. But, it was just a phase, and she got over it, as did I.

I think you totally did the right thing.

Also, don't worry too much about nursery. Children often behave worst with their Mum, they let all their aggression and confusion out with you and are really super good at nursery.

AndHarry · 10/03/2014 19:34

YANBU, I went through this with my 3yo last year and while it was painful at the time it really worked. It didn't take long for DS to realise that I was serious about going home if he hit and his behaviour improved drastically.

As your 2yo was tired anyway it sounds like you did the perfect thing :)

Original poster

Slightlyneuroricnat · 10/03/2014 19:41

I wouldn't have left if my youngest wasn't whining to get in the pram, I would have made my eldest sit with me whilst she played but she was way overdue her nap.
I keep wondering why she does things like this, we try our best to make sure she has lots of nice things and more importantly time with us and we do lovely things together etc and this happens and I wonder what's gone wrong.

OP posts:

DoJo · 10/03/2014 19:47

I might have chosen a different punishment to avoid the younger sister being affected, but there definitely needs to be some consequences for aggressive behaviour. I bet MIL wouldn't have let any of her children get away with it, but grandparents are always much softer than parents...!

Jess03 · 10/03/2014 19:49

My dd is like this, in her case new situations donut. Have y

Jess03 · 10/03/2014 19:50

Donut? Sorry, typos. My dd is triggered by new settings. Removing her is best when she's obviously tired and overwhelmed otherwise it's just one negative after another and it all goes downhill.

NewtRipley · 10/03/2014 19:51

YWNBU

My youngest was awful at soft play. Honestly, if tired and/or hungry. or just "because" - soft play was just too exciting for him.

Best to warn and take out, or better still avoid problems altogether by not going when she's overtired etc.

Original poster

Slightlyneuroricnat · 10/03/2014 19:55

Thanks for the replies
Yes possibly not great timing as she had been at the park in the morning however she was kicking the toys all around the living room as soon as she got up so sometimes aggression isn't due to tiredness with her, no idea what causes it, she just seems to enjoy being quite physical and is pretty fearless that it can be a kid double her size and she will still do it of she wants to :(

OP posts:

DoJo · 10/03/2014 19:56

Whoops - cross posted. In which case your punishment was fine and it sounds like your MIL was more annoyed to have had her afternoon ruined, but I bet she wasn't offering to get in their with some kind of alternative solution was she?

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