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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS friend acted appallingly at our house

51 replies

KarrieC · 07/03/2014 04:56

AIBU to be upset/angry at my sons friends behaviour at our house yesterday?
They are both 7 and have been friends on and off since reception. His friend is quite a dominant character, really good at sport and he knows it, generally quite a pushy kid. Today at our house he was verging on being a bully. I couldn't believe how horrible he was,
Examples
He threw water over my sons trousers then said DS had wet himself
Pulled DS cheeks violently (which I made him apologise for)
Mocked DS for being babyish
Dried his hands on DS instead of a towel
Tried to lock DS in a room
General comments about being better than DS
He also had the gall to say it had been boring when he was picked up.

I have 3 brothers so don't think i am unused to rough play, it is something I wish my son had more of, but this kids behaviour was so disrespectful and unfriendly. I want my son to learn to assert himself, which I don't think he quite knew how to do in this situation.

How far can you go in telling someone else's kid off though, I had to tell him to stop throwing a tennis ball in the kitchen, running with an ipad and being fair in sharing, as well as the cheek thing and a few other things, I didn't feel I could tell him off on everything but now I wish I had.

Let's hope DS goes off him again as he won't be invited here again.

OP posts:
chrome100 · 07/03/2014 05:27

I would have told his mum how bad his behaviour was! Your son shouldn't be mistreated in his own home by another child. Easier said than done, I know. He sounds awful!

Chottie · 07/03/2014 05:35

Oh dear, he definitely sounds like a little tinker! I would have mentioned it to his mum too.

MistressDeeCee · 07/03/2014 05:54

Id have told his mum exactly what went on and he wouldn't be welcome in my home any more. Couldn't care less how young he is, I can't stand disruption and bullying as it is but DEFINETELY not in my home! Also, there are ways you can subtly break inappropriate friendships...its what I did when my DD had a bullying friend in primary school days. I didnt want her to grow up thinking she was obliged to take crap from anybody.

Mimishimi · 07/03/2014 05:55

Did you invite him over or did his Mum ask? If she asked, you know what to say next time!

GilmoursPillow · 07/03/2014 06:19

DS has a friend like this. He tried to delete everything of DS's iPad.

He is jealous of DS's friendship with a girl (they're all 9/10 years old) so deleted her as a contact from DS's phone. The next time he was here he sent a message to her from DS's phone (re-instated as a contact) saying "Fuck you".

I explained that it was wrong and why - the language, as well as the written word into cyberspace etc but also told his Dad.

He's no longer welcome here.

TamerB · 07/03/2014 06:24

I would have told him in no uncertain terms that he either behaved himself or I called his mother to take him home! And followed through.

RestingActress · 07/03/2014 06:39

Agree tell his Mum. I know kids can get daft and giddy but that is way over the line. I'd be putting an end to the friendship.

bochead · 07/03/2014 06:50

I'd ask his Mum to stay for the next playdate. Surprisingly many are more than happy to sit and have a cuppa while the kids play. Weekend dates suit more people for this.

She needs to know he needs behavioral support as a matter of urgency and it's better she finds out now at 7 while there's lots can be done about it, than when it's too late to help him as happens to so many boys.

7 isn't that old and an immature lad could internally be totally freaked out at being in a strange home with funny (to them) rules and food etc. many boys play up for attention.

I don't believe in outright friendship bans - as they still meet at school. It's better to assert some friendly control by telling Mum in a non-judgemental way and making it a condition of future invites that she stays to supervise.

What I wouldn't do is let my child go to lil monsters house alone. Wink

Pippintea · 07/03/2014 06:54

Don't ask him to come again. If he/ his mum ask again say no and tell them why.

PastPerfect · 07/03/2014 06:56

I would certainly tell a child's parent if they misbehaved when at my house but I also recognise that children often get over excited and my reaction to your OP would depend on whether your DS was upset and whether it was a case of 6 to one, half a dozon to the other.

The running with an iPad I'd put down to being excited - although they'd be told not to do it.

The drying his hands on your son is the sort of thing I've seen kids do lots - it's stupid horseplay.

If your son was upset don't have the boy round again.

galwaygirl · 07/03/2014 06:59

Was your DS upset or surprised by his friend's behaviour?
Came across this on another forum and thought it was good for ideas about how to help kids stick up for themselves:
www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/socially-intelligent-child/Helping_Bulllied_Child

BraveLilBear · 07/03/2014 07:08

See reading this, it struck me that it sounds like bluster- that he knows it's naughty but isn't a very happy bunny underneath.

Maybe things aren't good at home?

Having said that, there's no condoning that behaviour. Definitely have a word with his mum. Do you know her well? Could go with something like 'does he always behave like xyz?'

You can tell a lot from a parent's reaction.

Thepoodoctor · 07/03/2014 07:17

If they've been friends on and off since reception, what's his track record on behaviour? Has he been to visit before?

My 7 year old with ASD and attachment difficulty has the potential to be a horror on play dates. Which to be fair is why I still wouldn't let him go on one without me to supervise.

On the other hand if he's normally fairly socially skilled and appears to know how to behave in most situations, then I'd imagine swift and firm action from parents is in order.

I'd speak to the mum - if this had been my lad i would certainly want to know, and he'd be being expected to apologise among other things.

As I say DS doesn't do solo play dates but if a child is hurting and upsetting your DS I'd think it entirely appropriate to ring parents and ask to collect.

heather1 · 07/03/2014 07:24

I work on the twoish strikes and your out rule. Ist bad behaviour I tell them to stop. Second I tell them to stop and if there is more bed behaviour I will end the play date and ask their mum or dad to collect them.
I'd be tempted to give him another chance, but only one.
I'd also be asking Ds if he in on the receiving end of this behaviour from this boy at school.
Is probably have told the mum that his behaviour wasn't great.

wonderingsoul · 07/03/2014 07:35

i would have phoned the mum and asked ehr to collect her child, the time he threw water on your ds and said he wet himself.

iv had had to do it to a closhish friend when i was looking after her son, who again is a very strong chacter, he had broke one of ds toys on purpose, in full veiw of me by throwing it at the wall, when i was " telling him off" ( byu that i mean why did you do that? that is very unkind" he called me a bitch and started crying.

so his parents where called and he was collected, we still see said child but i try to limit the playdates, becasue he is still a very strong chacter and can throw the most nasty hissy fits. , but he can also be the nicest and politest boy ever.. just as long as things are going his way.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2014 08:15

I don't know if I could mention to mum but there would be no second invite

kilmuir · 07/03/2014 08:24

He sounds awful, no excuses.

TheReluctantCountess · 07/03/2014 08:25

He sounds vile. Don't have him back again. I would also discourage my son from playing with him at school.

Nataleejah · 07/03/2014 08:28

Certainly no second invite. And i'd also tell his mother his behaviour was unacceptable. Its up to her what conclusion she makes.

hiccupgirl · 07/03/2014 08:34

I def wouldn't be inviting him back for another playmate even if your DS asked.

As much as you want to give them space to play and deal with things themselves, there's times when a 7 yr old needs their parents to step in and say enough if they can't themselves. Kids do get silly together but that kind of behaviour is way over the mark and I would have been ringing his mum to collect him tbh.

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2014 08:34

He also had the gall to say it had been boring when he was picked up.

So what did you/his mum say to that?

BurntPancake · 07/03/2014 08:34

I'd suggest if anyone treats your ds that like that again in his own home that you say you'll ask his mother to come and pick him up and do this if he doesn't improve. Whatever his reason fot behaving that way, your ds deserves to be treated with respect.

softlysoftly · 07/03/2014 08:43

I had a "friend" at primary who bullied and belittled me throughout, she was my best friend as messed up as that sounds it was miserable don't think he can't be bullying your son just because they are mates.

One time at my house my dad witnessed this (she pushed me off my new bike into a ditch as she wanted it) and he had her whipped into the car and back to her mum's as fast as you like.

My parents couldn't stop the friendship but by reinforcing what was and wasn't acceptable they gave me the guts too eventually.

So tell your son how horrible the kid was and next time its 1 strike then home!

Hogwash · 07/03/2014 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hogwash · 07/03/2014 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.