DS friend acted appallingly at our house

[KarrieC]

AIBU to be upset/angry at my sons friends behaviour at our house yesterday?
They are both 7 and have been friends on and off since reception. His friend is quite a dominant character, really good at sport and he knows it, generally quite a pushy kid. Today at our house he was verging on being a bully. I couldn't believe how horrible he was,
Examples
He threw water over my sons trousers then said DS had wet himself
Pulled DS cheeks violently (which I made him apologise for)
Mocked DS for being babyish
Dried his hands on DS instead of a towel
Tried to lock DS in a room
General comments about being better than DS
He also had the gall to say it had been boring when he was picked up.

I have 3 brothers so don't think i am unused to rough play, it is something I wish my son had more of, but this kids behaviour was so disrespectful and unfriendly. I want my son to learn to assert himself, which I don't think he quite knew how to do in this situation.

How far can you go in telling someone else's kid off though, I had to tell him to stop throwing a tennis ball in the kitchen, running with an ipad and being fair in sharing, as well as the cheek thing and a few other things, I didn't feel I could tell him off on everything but now I wish I had.

Let's hope DS goes off him again as he won't be invited here again.

[cory]

I'd have given him a warning and if he hadn't pulled himself up I'd have rung his mum to collect him.

Otoh I probably would invite him again- on the condition that he behaves himself, assuming that your ds wanted him back. Seems a shame to write somebody off for all future. If you never get invited back after a first misdemeanour, there doesn't seem to be much learning to be had from it. Also, dd has had some lovely friends who have not always showed themselves from their best side straigthaway; she wouldn't thank me for having taken a once and forever decision about the friendship.

[Purplepoodle]

He would be on the naughty step in my house and I would be phoning his mum to come pick him up if he carried on that behaviour. I can't abide children being cruel. I come down very heavily on my own dc's if I catch them.

[Crowler]

I've had bad playdates (this one sounds particularly bad) and honestly I have never told the parents. It won't go well, and it won't be anything they don't already know.

[whiteblossom]

I agree the mother needs telling, but the question is how? How do you tell a mum her ds is a brat? Then it causes problems at the school gates/other mums. My experience is that mums of kids like this tend to be very good at giving out as well and before you know it all the mums are giving you the evil stare...or is that just my school??

Do I need to move house?

One kid I had on a playdate deliberately damaged my sofa- I saw her do it as did my child. I didn't say anything but was fuming and shocked. Kids mum turned up 25 mins late, I didn't say anything and the next day, I got death stares and the mother has been funny with me ever since! Needless to say she was never invited back.

[YouTheCat]

I wouldn't bother saying anything to the mother. There will be no point. If her ds is so disrespectful and vile the chances her that her little prince can do no wrong anyway.

Don't invite him back and I wouldn't let your ds go to his either. Just hope the friendship fizzles out soon.

[Meepers]

I would have told his Mum but I also would have told him off.

My friends and I have an agreement that it's their house their rules. If they are looking after DC they treat my DD the same as they would their own and vice versa.

It helps we all have similar rules and similar ways of handling discipline though.

[Forago]

I've had this, a child that is very badly behaved when the parents aren't around. Ime no point saying anything as they won't believe you - the kids like this know how to manipulate their mothers and will say your kid hit them etc. Just ignore and don't invite back is my policy. Hoepfukky the kids will mature and grow out of it (my brother had a friend like this who turned into a nice teenager)

[BudsBeginingSpringinSight]

how awful, i would have said something.....in the nicest possible way as it wouldnt be nice to hear, but I would want to know if my dd was behaving like that.

I would give her a stern talking to, explain what bullying is and in future I would be telling her to leave the said child alone and I would be checking with teachers to make sure she wasn't bullying at school either.

To the mum maybe " I am so sorry I have had quite a shock today, I thought they were friends but this went on....I am concerned now,...what do you think"

[grovel]

Forago, love "Hoepfukky"!

[KitZacJak]

I don't actually think telling the mother will help. It will cause a lot of problems at the school gate. If a child is horrible when they come over I don't invite them back - simple. A lot of friendships are best left at school.

[shewhowines]

I wouldn't invite back, but I'd have a few chats with DS about being assertive when someone is being horrible to you. Maybe role play and give him some putdowns/tactics to use

[curiousuze]

Like softlysoftly my 'best friend' through primary school was like this. All little, disrespectful things, but I was told to ignore it or 'do the same back to her'. By the time we got to secondary school it blossomed into full blown bullying, with help from another girl who was worse. They were very cruel and I was heartbroken about losing my friend even though she was horrible! I do think it's important to back up your DS and let him know you don't accept this boy's behaviour and neither should he. Can you imagine what it's like round at his house??

[saulaboutme]

Yanbu.

My ds has a friend like this and the child is a nightmare!!

She is disrespectful, a liar, a bully and knows every trick in the book. I'm friends with her mum more so but from past experiences she only comes to our house if her mum needs a favour. Ds and her just don't get on. I lay down the law when she is here and have to watch her like a hawk!
I've told her mum things she has done and told her off myself. Her mum can't control her. Big issues at home though.

[Floggingmolly]

I had one of them once, and I had him collected early. The conversation with his mum was a bit awkward, tbh, but there was no way in heaven he was staying for the full three hours.
He never crossed my doorstep again, either. Boisterousness, loudness, general boyishness I have no problem with, but disrespectful nonsense or bullying I refuse to tolerate.

[CrapBag]

I wouldn't have him over again. No second chances when he was effectively bullying your DS in his own home. If the mother ever asks I would tactfully say why as well.

DS is friendly with a boy in his class that I am not keen on. At his party he was swinging off the DJs speakers (I didn't see this but was told by a friend of mine after), following me around saying he didn't like his party bag and asking for a different one, snatching balloons off others and constantly bothering me. At other parties he bit a dad so badly he had a bruise for 4 days, punched the DJ, made a girl cry and refused to go away when the mum told him to. The parents drop him off every time and I don't think anyone has really told them although I think they are aware because he dad did say something to me before about this boys behaviour. He also spat in DS's fact at school the other day.

I don't care if he has issues at home or anywhere else or whatever is going on, he is not setting foot in my house, DS has asked if he can come for tea and I have just said no. So has another parent when her DD asked.

[Gladvent]

I've had a couple of children like that visit. I tell them that I need to have a word and take them into a separate room, so there are no other children for them to show off to. Then tell them that I know they can be well behaved and that all this showing off and being unfriendly is NOT acceptable, they wouldn't like it if someone did it to them, and that I am going to give them one more chance to calm down and behave properly otherwise they will have to go home.

[ormirian]

I am guessing the your DS will go off him pretty soon if that is normal behaviour. I think the best thing to do is ask your son what he thought of it? That you thought it wasn't nice behaviour. Tell him that anything he doesn't like he can say no to.

If it's any comfort, my experience of friends like that is that sooner or later they get worked out of my childrens' lives. At 17 DS1 has a group of good close friends that have a lot in common and are pleasant good-natured lads. It took time for the unsuitable ones to get weeded out but it happened without any major input from us.

You can't stop your children making friends or mistakes but you can have a say in what happens in your own home.

[TaurielTest]

Sounds horrible. I've not had to deal with this sort of thing yet, but I think I'd go down the route of a quiet word of warning and then, if bullying persisted, a call to the child's parent to come and fetch him/her. I realise that this might cause embarrassment with the parent or difficulty with the child, but my priority would be to show my child that we don't have to accept bullying. If it was more than a one-off, I would think about mentioning it to the children's teacher/TA as well in case bullying was happening at school too.

[UndoTyping]

Some parents will be approachable and open to the idea that their little angels aren't quite that.

Other parents will be so self entitled and deluded that their children would never misbehave bully swear etc.


Some children wrongly accuse others of biting hitting etc just to deflect their own bad attention away from themselves.

[KarrieC]

Thanks everyone, great to know I wasn't being over sensitive.

I have talked to DS that his friends behaviour was completely unacceptable and he doesn't have to put up with it and that I won't tolerate it. He won't be invited back here. On the way to school We practiced some phrases for him to use on 'friend' should he continue with pulling his cheeks (he has been doing it at school too as well as twisting the back of his and other kids necks, I think a few of them have been doing it) and how he should handle the situation. It's being done in a kind of horseplay way but he goes too far with it. My son is a gentle chap and we are working on getting him to be assertive, he has just taken up Judo which I think will build his confidence. Obviously I will be monitoring what is going on at school and will talk to the teacher if I think I need to. It's tricky as boys do get physical. I think the psychological put downs are worse.

Re talking to the mum I am in two minds, I think I will mention it if we get chatting but she is very standoffish and I don't know her that well. I would want to know if my son behaved like that, I would be mortified, but I don't fancy the death stares either! I think that we are best off avoiding said horrible kid and working on new friendships and DSs assertiveness. I think some of what his friend was doing was reenacting stuff that happens at home with his siblings, I think he is a very competitive kid and hates being the youngest. But I agree he needs behavioural support.

Thanks again everyone!

Thanks Galwaygirl, great advice on your link and I will definitely be using that.

[PeriodFeatures]

Bocheah gave good advice. I would also probably talk to DS. Have a conversation with him about his little playmates behavior.

What did he think when his friend chucked water on him ? How did he feel? I think that things like this are a chance to develop emotional literacy and resilience. We storm in without involving children in our interventions, we lose something. Yeah, sometimes it is necessary to intervene, and ultimately we need to protect them.

Unfortunately life is full of people who will do things to us which are unpleasant, rude and abusive. Getting a dialogue going about this and naming the feelings than happen when people are horrid is not a bad thing i dont think.

Then be really bloody clear that the little bugger will not be welcome again if he behaves like that! tell him.

'last time you came to my house you did x,y,z and it was not nice. I dont want you to do that again, if you do I will be phoning your mum and assking her to take you home''

[TheGreatHunt]

I wonder where he's getting the cheek oukking thing from? If he does it at school too then I wonder if he gets it at home.

I would be matter of fact about it - say what he did and ask how she deals with it at home so you know how to deal with him.