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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my mum at birth?

44 replies

Wiggy29 · 05/03/2014 21:20

This will be dc3& for first two it was just me&dp. She's a bit of a worrier and I thought having her there would stress me out. Now it's dc3 though I'm pretty confident so wouldn't bother me as I realise your mind is fully on having your baby!

She's never put any pressure on me, simply said women at work have been there for grand children's birth&it would be amazing-she only ever mentioned this once so there was no pressure. I know she would love the chance though.

Dp is less convinced. He's a fab birth partner so don't feel I need extra support, just think she'd jump at the chance& would make our already close bond even stronger.

Dp just said he likes it just us& likes feeling unselfconscious when he has tops off cuddle with baby after!

Should I try to convince dp a bit or just leave it? Pretty sure this will be our last& feel like it would be an amazing gift (of sorts) to my mum.

Thoughts???

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Minnieisthedevilmouse · 05/03/2014 21:22

Unless you are gagging to have mum I'd stick with DP. This is your family. I'm not with denying him that experience. It's his child.

For me bu.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2014 21:25

Every birth is different so if your Mum is a worrier, I wouldn't really want her there.

Even less so if I thought it was going to encroach on my DH's experience with our newborn.

slightlyconfused85 · 05/03/2014 21:26

I think it's a bit unreasonable to be honest. It's his baby, and probably his last baby too. I am very close to my mum, but the birth of our child was something for me and my partner, an amazing bonding experience and I certainly wouldn't have asked her come. Any future children would just be us too. Your mum has had her own child/ren - she doesn't need to come to your birth too!

Original poster

Wiggy29 · 05/03/2014 21:30

Yeah, maybe. I wanted to get advice on here as dp is pretty relaxed so I know if I pushed him he'd agree to it but don't want to if it's not the right thing to do.

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drnoitall · 05/03/2014 21:31

My mum was present for my first dc.
She was very calm and just there, in the back round.
It was a wonderful time I will never forget.
I think your dp is being u. Unless they don't get along.
You are her child having your own child it's amazing.

Original poster

Wiggy29 · 05/03/2014 21:32

Other issue would have been how mil would have views this, then could've ended up with family politics I'd much rather avoid.

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SantanaLopez · 05/03/2014 21:33

Do you actually want her there? It's about you, not your mum or what she would get from it.

Original poster

Wiggy29 · 05/03/2014 21:33

Mmmm, I think she would just be in background& they get on really well (far better than with his own DPS).

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Original poster

Wiggy29 · 05/03/2014 21:35

To be honest santanal, I'm not really that bothered, it's more about how much it means to her. With both DC I've just wanted to be in&out as soon as possible!

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happy2bhomely · 05/03/2014 21:35

My mum has been with me for 2 out of 5 of my children's births. DH has been at one (he is the father of all of them) and my sisters were with me the other two.

My DH didn't mind at all. He is firmly of the opinion that the birth is all about me, and left me to decide each time. It has made no difference what so ever to his bond with any of them.

My mum stayed with me for a full 36 hours while I was induced. She sent a card afterwards to say thank you for the privilege. She said she would treasure the memory forever. It made me feel like I had given her a wonderful gift.

SantanaLopez · 05/03/2014 21:37

I think that the idea of being at your grandchildren's birth can seem amazing, but when it's your daughter actually giving birth and you're a worrier by nature... it's not really that enjoyable? I think she would have mentioned it more if it really meant something to her.

You're the one giving birth, it's all supposed to be about you, not anyone else (except the baby).

AlpacaLypse · 05/03/2014 21:38

Yes it would be nice for your mum to be there - but your partner has first dibs.

Any faint chance of home-birth so they could both be there?

Pilgit · 05/03/2014 21:38

My mum was there at the birth of DD1. I had rolled over and wailed that 'I want my mum' and DH being the lovely bloke he is complied. It normalised it for me as they bickered the whole way through (good natured - they do it all the time) and it felt instantly like normality. My Sister had her at the birth of her DS2 (her DH was traumatised by the birth of DS1 - lets not go there....). She is the voice of calm and very supportive. However it was a choice that was made either in the heat of the moment or as planned. She didn't demand it or didn't 'want' it. She was there when we needed her and felt very honoured to be there and help.

drnoitall · 05/03/2014 21:38

Very difficult now you mention the MIL.
I didn't have this issue. However I was prepared to say, my body, my mum, my choice.
Soon after I gave birth, my mum had brief cuddle and left. Last thing you want is a room full of people.
Have a long think before you make your mind up.

Lucylouby · 05/03/2014 21:40

I had a home birth and had the next door neighbour in with us, we weren't close, she had come round to be there in case the older dc woke up. I really wish my mum lived closer so she could have made it in time, far more personal than a neighbour! YANBU, DH is not giving birth, he can have his topless cuddles with baby while your mum goes out to phone the relatives with the news. Although I'm slightly that he would feel self conscious about having no top on, when you have just pushed a baby out of your vagina in full view of any medical professional who needed to be in the room.

I would love to see a baby being born in real life. I think it would be amazing. I don't have a sister or any really close friends, so I guess my only chance is if I see a grandchild come into the world. I know my mum thinks a bit like this too and I wish she could have been there with us.

somedizzywhore1804 · 05/03/2014 21:41

I'm not sure how i feel about mums at births.

Im very close to mine but I feel like the birth of my child is something private between me and DH.

My best friend is a midwife and she's very against the three wheel dynamic of woman in labour, DP/DH and mother. She says it causes a lot of tensions and arguments in the delivery rooms and if she had her way she would ban that dynamic.

5madthings · 05/03/2014 21:44

Basically whoever isgiving birth gets to decide!

So of you want your mum there then have her there.

But maybe all of you have a talk and lay down some ground rules, ie she just so it's amd watches whilst dp supports you and after baby is born she goes for a coffee or something to give you and your dp some alone time with baby.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 05/03/2014 21:47

I think your dp is right - he's supportive and wants to be there for you both. Do you have long labours? Could your mum come to look after the othee dc and be with you whilst you labour at home then you and dp go to hospital?

Original poster

Wiggy29 · 05/03/2014 21:58

Lots of food for thought. When I think about it,dp has top off on family holidays when she's there! I think that's an excuse and it's more about feeling like it would be an intrusion on a private moment. I know she would just sit in wings&watch, as I said, dp great so she wouldn't intrude (&never does in any other aspect of our lives).

I agree I'd want her to leave fairly shortly afterwards but I don't think she'd mind.

Home birth not an option as two so far have been identical births: progress very quickly, get stuck then need intervention. Live far enough away from a Hosp not to be willing to risk that.

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Original poster

Wiggy29 · 05/03/2014 22:02

Sorry, cross post. No, last time I had cramps&by the time dad drove over to get dc1&we drove to Hosp +40mins), I was 10cm. Would all be very quick and easy if the little critters didn't then get stuck!

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MyBodyIsAtemplate · 05/03/2014 22:10

we'll it's up to you and if you really wanted her there then that's that.

however I am getting that your dh really doesn't and sees it as a private time for you both with the baby but doesnt want to upset you.

personally I would put my dhs feelings and wishes above pleasing my mother.

WooWooOwl · 05/03/2014 23:57

If your DP is uncomfortable with it then I wouldn't do it.

perfectstorm · 06/03/2014 00:06

If you wanted your mum there for yourself, I don't think that would be unreasonable. It can be something of an ordeal, and feeling relaxed and safe eases the pain and process a lot. But if it's just as a gift to her, then it does feel a bit as if that gift should be one both parents are comfy with - I mean, if you get nothing from it in terms of an easier labour, then your DH has IMO an equal say. It's the fact you're the one in labour which would give you the edge, otherwise I think both parents have to be willing. It's his child too, after all, and those post-birth moments clearly mean a lot to him, which is lovely. I think his need to enjoy them should take priority over your mum's wish to be there.

I do think the MIL issue is a red herring, though. I mean, if your DH is saying he'd feel weird and intruded on for your mum to see him cuddle a newborn skin-to-skin, it's hardly reasonable to think you should be fine with MIL watching you labour, then expel a baby from your vagina. The reality is that your own mother birthed then raised you - your MIL, your DH. And he's not the one intimately exposed in all manner of ways in the birth process.

NobodyLivesHere · 06/03/2014 00:51

I think it all comes down how strongly your dp objects. If he really doesn't want her there I think his wants come before your mums.

Original poster

Wiggy29 · 06/03/2014 07:40

Thanks for all the advice. I think I'll have another chat with dp and see how he feels now he's had time to think about it but if he doesn't fancy it, I won't push the matter.

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