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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my mum at birth?

44 replies

Wiggy29 · 05/03/2014 21:20

This will be dc3& for first two it was just me&dp. She's a bit of a worrier and I thought having her there would stress me out. Now it's dc3 though I'm pretty confident so wouldn't bother me as I realise your mind is fully on having your baby!

She's never put any pressure on me, simply said women at work have been there for grand children's birth&it would be amazing-she only ever mentioned this once so there was no pressure. I know she would love the chance though.

Dp is less convinced. He's a fab birth partner so don't feel I need extra support, just think she'd jump at the chance& would make our already close bond even stronger.

Dp just said he likes it just us& likes feeling unselfconscious when he has tops off cuddle with baby after!

Should I try to convince dp a bit or just leave it? Pretty sure this will be our last& feel like it would be an amazing gift (of sorts) to my mum.

Thoughts???

OP posts:
Hawkmoth · 06/03/2014 07:46

For the sake of him showing his hairy chest I would go for it. My mum's been there for my three, but I'm not even sure if she was in the room or not for the middle one! It was worth it, DH got to do cuddles and such. Think mum was a bit worried, but who wouldn't be?

Last baby was quite big and I got a bit sweary, all she said was, "that sounded like hard work."

MILs should be sensible enough to realise it's different...

diddl · 06/03/2014 07:53

If you don't want her there/aren't bothered, then why do it?

She has "put pressure" by mentioning it at all imo.

If it was something that you wanted already, you would have asked her.

Electryone · 06/03/2014 08:22

drnoitall only on mn would someone think it unreasonable that the Father of a baby would want it just to be him and his partner at the birth, shocking eh Grin

OsMalleytheCat · 06/03/2014 08:24

Yanbu, it's your right to have whoever you wish at your birth.

worldgonecrazy · 06/03/2014 08:34

Given the choice, I would rather have a woman who had given birth there, than a man. At my DD's birth I had a female doula, and it was only when I needed to go to theatre that my husband stepped into the support role. The plan was always to swap for the actual birth anyway, just no men around during the labour. However, as it's your third I'm guessing labour won't be that long anyway.

I'd go for a home birth, that way everyone is happy.

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2014 08:39

As a GM I can't tell you what a privilege it is. If you can persuade your DH without too much pressure and he genuinely agrees then go for it.

And if your DM has any sensitivity it is possible to be there without intruding on the bond between the three of you too.

MinesAPintOfTea · 06/03/2014 08:46

The only RL person I know who did this was a teenager whose partner wasn't very nice mature, her mum went to be her advocate. and support.

I wouldn't want anyone there who wants to be there to spectate rather than support, and I'm getting from your messages that your mum is asking to watch rather than support you.

diddl · 06/03/2014 08:50

"If you can persuade your DH without too much pressure and he genuinely agrees then go for it."

Unless the OP really wants it, why should she try to persuade her husband at all?

perfectstorm · 06/03/2014 09:02

Unless the OP really wants it, why should she try to persuade her husband at all?

I agree. And my mum was there for my first birth, too, because she has a HCP background and can be really assertive and a good advocate - my husband was there for my own emotional support, and he also wanted her there so he didn't feel like he had to keep on top of the medical side. I'm not opposed to mothers being at births - just opposed to anyone being there if it makes one of the parents' joy in the process less, without benefiting the other.

2rebecca · 06/03/2014 09:10

I suspect your husband feels that with your mum there he'd be pushed out and they'd be competing to hold your hand etc. If he;s not keen and I agree the top off thing may be an excuse and he's not keen to just say "I don't want her there" then I wouldn't invite her, especially if she's a worrier.
You seem to be seeing her being there as your chance to let her tick something off her bucket list. It shouldn't be about her but about you and your husband.

diddl · 06/03/2014 09:34

"I think I'll have another chat with dp and see how he feels now he's had time to think about it but if he doesn't fancy it, I won't push the matter."

Do you want her there for you, as it's surely your decision if you do?

Or do you want her there for her?

I think your husband has already told you where he stands if it's the latter tbh & I think it's unfair to keep mentioning it.

Pollyputthekettle · 06/03/2014 10:49

Yabu as your dh clearly doesn't want it.

Tbh my mum was there for mine and I regretted it as she was a blabber mouth about certain aspects. What goes on in the labour room stays in the labour room.

Armadale · 06/03/2014 10:55

"Home birth not an option as two so far have been identical births: progress very quickly, get stuck then need intervention."...

"She's a bit of a worrier and I thought having her there would stress me out"

To be honest, if there is a real possibility of a need for intervention, a worrier is not someone I'd want around. At all.

I also think you may be underestimating how much having her there would change the dynamic in the room. I am not so sure you would barely notice her sitting there in the corner.

LucilleBluth · 06/03/2014 11:16

I don't thinks it's fair on your DH at all, you aren't bothered so don't push him into having her there and spoiling such a precious moment.

wannaBe · 06/03/2014 11:28

it's not a spectator sport. Personally I find these people who have the urge to be at someone else's birth just to watch a bit bloody weird.

She's had her birth experiences, she shouldn't be pushing to share in yours.

And as for people saying that it's the op's choice, no it isn't. this is the op's dp's baby just as much as her's, why should he be pushed out just so that she can invite whoever in to watch?

My mum was inadvertently at the birth of my ds, she drove us to the hospital and then stayed while I was examined in case we had to go home and then sort of just didn't leave. Grin to be fair she did just sit in the corner quietly and didn't intrude. But I then needed a ventouse and episiotomy and she was at that end. I think she was entirely traumatised by the experience because she has never spoken of it - ever.

LouiseSmith · 06/03/2014 11:39

I had my mum and gran with me and now (ex) DP. It was lovely, my gran has seen 3 generations born into the world know :) xxx

firesidechat · 06/03/2014 13:22

My daughter has just had her first child and I do think that it is something for the couple to experience together. A sort of bonding thing. I hear about mother's being at the birth on here, but I don't know anyone who has done this in real life. If you all want it that way then fine, but I do think that everyone has to be happy with it.

I would never, ever put any pressure on my children to have me there and wouldn't even mention it. Personally I think your mum is being slightly unreasonable to put you in this position.

Dishaster · 06/03/2014 13:28

My mum was at the birth of my ds. I had no partner so she was it. I wouldn't change it for the world and am so glad she was there. I have lovely memories of it, even though the birth was traumatic.

My DM now has terminal cancer and I am so so glad I gave her that memory, and myself.

But as I said I never had a DP at the time, so maybe it would have swayed my decision. But I doubt it...

Crawling1 · 06/03/2014 14:57

I had my mum at dc1 birth it was great IMO your body your choice.

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