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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH re dd going to inlaws house

42 replies

muser31 · 27/02/2014 18:17

we are separated. tomorrow morning was dh's day for minding dd. i had planned to go to a funeral of a family friend. he texts me today to say he has been called in for work training tomorrow but its fine as he will drop her at his mums and she mind her. however, his dad has just come down sick last night with a bug.

i said i was not happy with her going when someone in the house is sick, he said it wont matter because he will be in his bedroom. me and dd have just recovered from being sick, i have no reserves (sleep deprived) and do not want to take the risk of her getting sick again. i have tried to tell him that he needs to tell work he can't do it, but he refuses to put dd first (he has done this exact thing around 3 times in the last 2 months, going into work or training last minute)

he says its his decision as a father and its a very small risk for her to go. i said its a risk not worth taking, and its not the done thing for children to visit a house when someone is sick. she has caught bugs before from this house, as his mum refuses to let us know when someone is sick, so he thinks this is normal - so am i the one with abnormal views or is he? i have said i will not go to the funeral and mind her and would prefer to be sure that she stays well, but he is annoyed because he knows he will 'owe me one' as such and says i am massively overreacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
muser31 · 27/02/2014 18:18

he also took her up there for dinner today which i think was very irresponsible.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 27/02/2014 18:19

You are. If I have a bug, my DD doesn't move out!

Original poster
muser31 · 27/02/2014 18:20

but would you choose to send her to a friends house or your mums house if you knew someone was sick!?

OP posts:
TheNightIsDark · 27/02/2014 18:21

YABU

Original poster
muser31 · 27/02/2014 18:21

when my mum and dad are sick they always say don't bring her down incase she gets sick, the other grandparent will come to visit us instead. i just thought this was normal being sensible...maybe i am wrong!

OP posts:
TheNightIsDark · 27/02/2014 18:22

Mine go to my parents etc if they're sick. They build up immunity, have never actually caught anything.

They've not been ill in 2 years and never had a stomach bug.

Suicidal5833 · 27/02/2014 18:22

Children come into contact with so many bugs and germs at school I think your being a bit precious. It's good for there immune systems too.

Original poster
muser31 · 27/02/2014 18:22

ok i will have a re- think

OP posts:
Quoteunquote · 27/02/2014 18:25

Why would anyone choose to put themselves in contact with an infectious person, unless they are caring for them.

Find suitable alternative arrangements, and don't rely on him for anything important in the future, because he does what suits him, not what is best for your daughter,

Just be really glad you are no longer with someone who has such poor judgement.

wowfudge · 27/02/2014 18:26

It sounds as though he winds you up OP and you are being a bit U although I can see where you are coming from.

I could understand you being annoyed if he let your daughter down but hadn't made suitable alternative arrangements, meaning whatever your plans were you had to can them, but if she enjoys seeing her GM does it matter? I assume your ex will see her after he finishes work.

Let her go to the exPIL's place and go to the funeral as arranged.

mrssmith79 · 27/02/2014 18:27

So your dd isn't sick? But her grandfather is? And he would be in a different part of the house for the entire duration of her visit? YABVU. And a bit of a martyr.

FLURMP · 27/02/2014 18:36

I don't really think YABU, we're the same - but I think you might have a little room available for compromise.

Original poster
muser31 · 27/02/2014 18:39

i am honestly taking in opinions and trying to see outside of this narrow little box that my mind is in, but im honestly finding it difficult. when any of my friends child/husband etc is sick i don't go to visit.... she always lets me know and vice versa because why put dd at risk of getting sick too.

yes they do get bugs at school but there is a reason why kids stay off when they have a proper bug.

dd and me have just recovered from both being sick - i feel totally wiped out actually due to lack of sleep, and honestly could not cope with her being ill again. i just don't want to take that risk and find it hard to understand why thats unreasonable but im trying too.

yes i am happy for her to go to her grannies... she goes there every week because my dh drops her there to do more 'important' work/training related things instead of spending his time with her.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 18:44

Hmm

I think YABU unreasonable about the illness. It will probably be fine.

BUT I can see why you are peed off here - he doesn't seem to be spending as much time with your DD as he should, and this example has shone a big light on that.

ShedWood · 27/02/2014 18:47

Why don't you agree with him that DD can go to her grandparents but if she biomes sick in the next week, you'll both assume it was a result of that visit and he will take the appropriate days off week to look after her?

You may regret not going to the funeral and saying your last goodbyes.

ShedWood · 27/02/2014 18:47

Becomes, not biomes.

TwittyMcTwitterson · 27/02/2014 18:48

What type of bug? If it's that sickness bug, I totally get it and I wouldn't want to either. If it's a bad cold then it's silly. Grin

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 18:49

Oooh, good idea Shed. His response to that would be interesting

Cranky01 · 27/02/2014 18:50

Yanbu, if someone is sick at my mums house, she would ring to let us know and we wouldn't go to visit

HumphreyCobbler · 27/02/2014 18:51

I would avoid sending my child into a house that had a sickness bug, especially if I had just got over one.

LexiLouise · 27/02/2014 18:52

Difficult one

Could your ex's mum go to his house inside to mind her?

Is the actual issue that your DH finds an excuse not to spend time with her on a regular basis?

Could you change his day's with her if something always crops up on a Friday? Does he have her overnight? I suppose I'm asking is he plonking her with his parents to enjoy a friday night out?

Joules68 · 27/02/2014 18:53

Ow do you know his dad has an infectious bug? You also say mil refuses to inform you.... So which is it?

Eatriskier · 27/02/2014 18:53

Given your DC has just gotten over a bug, YANBU. However I completely agree with shed, tell him he can leave her there but any resultant illness means he has to take the leave to look after her.

AnnieOats · 27/02/2014 18:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable as I wouldn't risk getting ill if this was a normal visit as I would just take my DSs to visit another time.

But because your DD needs looking after while your ex works then in this case I would probably take the risk if he couldn't get out of going to work.

However I think if your DD does become ill because of this visit then it's your ex responsibility to take time off work and look after her.

PotteringAlong · 27/02/2014 18:56

yes i am happy for her to go to her grannies... she goes there every week because my dh drops her there to do more 'important' work/training related things instead of spending his time with her

Which is exactly what my DS will do with my MiL tomorrow whilst I'm at work...