or is DH re dd going to inlaws house

[muser31]

we are separated. tomorrow morning was dh's day for minding dd. i had planned to go to a funeral of a family friend. he texts me today to say he has been called in for work training tomorrow but its fine as he will drop her at his mums and she mind her. however, his dad has just come down sick last night with a bug.

i said i was not happy with her going when someone in the house is sick, he said it wont matter because he will be in his bedroom. me and dd have just recovered from being sick, i have no reserves (sleep deprived) and do not want to take the risk of her getting sick again. i have tried to tell him that he needs to tell work he can't do it, but he refuses to put dd first (he has done this exact thing around 3 times in the last 2 months, going into work or training last minute)

he says its his decision as a father and its a very small risk for her to go. i said its a risk not worth taking, and its not the done thing for children to visit a house when someone is sick. she has caught bugs before from this house, as his mum refuses to let us know when someone is sick, so he thinks this is normal - so am i the one with abnormal views or is he? i have said i will not go to the funeral and mind her and would prefer to be sure that she stays well, but he is annoyed because he knows he will 'owe me one' as such and says i am massively overreacting.

Depends what sort of bug, my friend has just had norovirus and passed it on to her mum and dad

YANB in the slightest bit U if it is a D&V bug. There is no way in this earth I would voluntarily go, or allow my DC to go to a house where I knew someone was suffering with D&V, or who had had it in the past 48hours.

It is completely different when you are ill as a parent, because the child has to stay at home, but your DD does not have to go to her grandparent's house. Her dad should have told work he couldn't go in imo.

Bit late to make a fuss if she has been there today anyway . Or could granny watch her at ex's ? In the end it is his choice though.

thank you for all the opinions they have really helped. to be honest maybe i am overreacting a little, simply because i am worn out, and i DO have an issue with him never putting dd first and always just giving her to his mums - also when he has her he just takes her there anyway and lets her do all the work... naturally i feel a bit of resentment. so this might have caused me to react a little more than i might have done otherwise...however

i still feel strongly that even if dh wasn't going to work, she shouldn't be brought where someone is sick...like today for example, and that it is pretty irresponsible of him.

joules he does have a sickness bug - i was referring to a time in the past when people were sick in the in law house, i was not told, and dd came back sick. i was fuming because i had not been informed, and i had no say in the decision of her going up or not.

the suggestion of asking him to mind her if she gets sick is a great one, but i know for a fact he won't. she was sick all last week and he didn't take any days off - i asked him could he take her a night when we were on the mend as i was really struggling having had no sleep and had an assignment to do, and he said no, he couldn't fit it in with work. it will always be me who has to change and swop things around. i guess thats why i don't want to take the risk - i already missed 2 weeks of work and just don't see the point of risking it

my family are going to the funeral and they have just said they are taping it ( they are involved) and can give it for me to hear which is really nice.

pottering i hope you didn't take that as me criticising parents who have to work and train. im sure you spend other time with your dc... i think the point here is that this is his time with her and he is working on those times, extra work aside from his designated shifts.

YANBU if you are only just recovered from another bug. I can imagine you are exhausted and running on empty. Yes, schools etc are full of circulating illnesses but why would you want to deliberately expose your child to another sickness bug?

DrMaybe

I agree

i wish i could do that... but we are separated so i cant just get up and go.. plus im the one wrecked from sleepless nights.

but...we are starting marriage counselling next week (not with getting back together in mind though) to start talking about our issues, and i will try to address the balance. his mum you see, stays in her whole life, does all the housework and cooking and has the house perfect and does all aspect of child care. he probably thinks i should be like that so itl be brought up in counselling that my goals should be equally as important.

I don't think YABU op

dr maybe im so glad you wrote that as its helping me realise its not just me. i have had one to one counselling and have a whole list of things that will have to change if we have a future together. the reason i didn't get divorced was cos i believe strongly in marriage and also because i didn't want the hassle and the upset within our families of saying i wanted divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour (which i would have had to do since we had not been separated 2 years, and which i could have done, according to the solicitor)

i am taking on board what you are saying. he has actually been a complete twat, and he has also dragged this out for me for almost 2 years now refusing correspondance. i am so glad we are going to talk about things.... and what you are saying is spot on.... its coming up to the 2 years so we can get a divorce, and i really want the contact arrangements settled by the court and a proper arrangement laid out for example what happens in the holidays, what happens when she is sick etc etc. because up till now i have had her all the holidays (except christmas of course!) and when shes sick its me doing it all.. i like being with her when she is sick as she needs me, but i do expect some help maybe for him to take her a night when she is feeling a bit better for me to get back on my feet again. anyway enough rambling. it really helps to have strong woman come and post things like this to help me see clearly. yes he is a selfish twat!

Would I dens a chid of mine somewhere they did not need to be if someone in the house was sick enough to need to be in bed and I would have to deal with it if they got sick? Nope.

I hope it gets easier for you to deal with him after your divorced

Drmaybe +10000000. Lets face it if she gets sick it'll be left up to you. You rnbu. Until he shapes up you decide. I wouldn't knowingly expose my kuds to illness as the stress of work and not knowing how long8ng it can last is a nightmare. My mil and sil think I'm batty but they never went out to work after kids so they have no idea how hard it can be to juggle work and sick kiddies and also how upsetting it is id you have to leave your sick child to go to work.

Typosssssss